Saturday, August 20, 2005

Under qualified

I was talking to a guy the other day he said “I just lost his job to the automation of the aggregated monetary financial collection system." I said “Oh you were a stock broker on Wall St.” He said stock broker? “No,I was a toll-taker, I lost my job to EZ-Pass”

I was crossing the bridge the other day and at the gate it says “Please wait until gate lifts before proceeding” Huh “What choice do I have” “Let me push the pogo button right next to the cruise control, and I can have the car jump its way over the gate.

The other day I applied for a job in the paint department at Home Depot and I got turned down because I didn’t have a MS in Chemical Engineering

I tried to get a job in the produce department at Acme they asked me if I have farming experience.

I guess there is always Walmart

Three good occupations for lazy people

Co-Pilots- Talk about lazy. This guy never works and gets to fly and drink for free. The only way he ever works is if the pilot passes out. Since they are usually drinking together on the plane anyway, the co-pilot just has to make sure he drinks more than the pilot. This way when the pilot says “I am really F’d up” The co-pilot can say “Dude, I drank way more than you, there’s no way I can fly this bitch tonight.

TV anchor people- Talk about an over valued job. These people have no special talent. They are just readers for god sakes. Just like you and me and 98% of the country. The anchorman reads while setting down and so do I. The only difference, I do most of my reading on the can while dropping a deuce and that ass-clown is in a comfy chair in an air-conditioned studio and copping some nice coin to boot. They are lazy as hell too, they don't move from the chair the whole time. At least the weather guy is up and moving around. He is pointing out storm fronts and barometric pressure and using his arms while doing it. He picks up magnetic clouds and shifts them from place to place on that big-ass weather map. By the end of the weather report this poor guy is looking for oxygen. He then throws it back Captain Slacker, who sends us into a commercial.

Librarians- They may even be lazier than anchor people because we think these broads are always reading but do we really know for sure? They sit there behind the big desk with the Lisa Loeb glasses occasionally peering up only to offer a half-assed "ssshhh" warning to the patrons; who are already more quiet than the gallery at the 18th hole at Augusta. Why do you need complete silence at a library? I'll tell you why? So these lazy librarians can get back to sleep. That's why.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Trying to Watch Porn in the Eighties

When we were teenagers, they had the spice channel for your “almost porn viewing pleasure.” The spice channel was always scrambled in my house, and I would try to squint and see what i thought was a Tit. You would sit for hours and hours just trying to catch a glimpse of anything.

I became a Contortionist the way I would twist and stretch. I would move my head to the left and to the right. I was doing the Jane Fonda workout and not even knowing it. I would go to school the next day all twisted up, neck was in a brace.

I would see my friends in the hallway at school; they would look at me and laugh. "Checking out the spice channel again you little perverted bastard?". Meanwhile, the guy who is breaking my balls has his right hand in a sling; he was diagnosed with the first nationally known case of masturbatory carpal tunnel syndrome.

Wedding Shower

The first year of marriage is a living hell. I mean everything is different, at home anyway. At work things are the same and in fact you start to appreciate work a lot more. You struggle just to get to Sunday. On Sunday it’s time to kick back, have a few beers and watch some football. It’s just then when she says don’t you remember I told you about the wedding shower for today. I said okay honey have a good time. She says it’s a "Jack and Jill" shower. I think "Why is she telling me the name of the couple, I don’t care?". She says "No that means couples go together". What! Who is the male version of Martha Stewart who first accepted this brilliant premise. He ruined it for the rest of us red meat lovers.

If my wife ever wanted to have a jack and jill shower, I would have been like sure, right after you dance at my bachelor party. Just what I need for a Sunday in late Sept. “Look at the lovely table setting Mary got, Wow!! a cappuccino maker we should get one of those. My wife’s got her mind on China patterns and I got my mind on pass patterns. I said No way I am not going to this thing, she said if you love me you will go, I said if you love me you will go away, fast!! She starts crying, next thing I know I am at the receiving end of a flowery chiffon spice rack being passed around.

At the same time I am listening to the game on the walkman. My cheers for the game correspond nicely to the gift opening, the woman are like he is really into wedding showers and I wind up spiking an art deco vase after a touchdown. Hopefully, that’s the last shower I’ll be invited to.

Shore House

My family would rent a shore house every year in New Jersey and it only had an outside shower on the first floor right next to where the owner lives. The owner was an old Russian guy named Igor. Whenever any of the women from the house would be in the shower, Igor would happen to be outside watering the lawn or picking tomatoes from his garden, and he would always try to sneak a peek in the shower.

Woman: “why are you looking through that peep hole?”
Igor: “Peephole (laughing) This no peephole, just checking for carpenter ants”

Woman: “Why do you have that camera aimed at the hole”
Igor: ‘Did you ever hear of insurance claim??”

Then I was in the shower one day and I feel a tap on my back, its Igor…

Me: “What the hell are you doing in here”
Igor: “I thought you needed soap, it’s Irish Spriiing”
Me: “No man, I’m good”
Igor: “Shampoo”
Me: “No”
Igor: “Dry towel”
Me: “Get the hell out of here now”

The Clicker

The clicker is like a part our body except that we always seem to lose it. And when it’s lost, it’s like a national emergency to us isn’t it? We rip up every cushion on the couch, we move the furniture, the kids, the dog, the newspaper the dog is shitting on. We race up and down stairs to find the clicker, check kitchen drawers, the bathrooms, the hamper, the washer, the dryer , the refrigerator, I even check the side of the milk carton to see if there is a picture of my clicker.

I move slower for a fire alarm than I do to find the lost clicker. We become possesed, its like if we don’t find the clicker in thirty seconds the house will explode. I fell asleep one time with the clicker in my hand, when I woke up it was gone, I was into my 30 seconds to destruction clicker search, and my wife is just sitting there laughing. She pulls it from behind her back and says is this what you are looking for. She holds the clicker in one hand and a list of chores in the other, “You will get this, when you finish these.”

Thoughts go through my head, “If you hurt so much as one button on that clicker, so help me God” Should I call the police “911 we have a hostage situation at the 512 Main st” “Please Mrs. Teullive remain calm, put the list and the clicker down, and move away slowly” “Ma’am its not too late you haven’t gone too far, with any luck you will only be banished from the clicker for the entire football season including playoffs the super bowl and pro-bowl all college bowl games, and until the end of the NHL and the NBA playoffs.” “With good behavior and community service you should be back watching lifetime television for women by July”

Having a Baby

My wife was into her last trimester and she needed to see the doctor every week to see how far dilated she was. I said you are not a big drinker why do they want to look at her eyes.

She said ‘You idiot they want to check and see how close the baby is to coming out. I said: "No way a baby of mine will be gay, so they will NEVER have to come out!"

I went with her to the examining room and they put her in these spread like cream cheese stirrups and they proceed to put fingers in her Who-hah. And not just one doctor….. many. And other people came into the room also and I am not sure they were even doctors.

The one guy had to put his broom and dustpan down to put his latex gloves on. She is one centimeter dilated, she is two centimeters dilated. I said to the guy with the broom and dustpan ‘How do you know how many centimeters dilated she is??? ‘ Ya know when I can get one finger up there she is one centimeter, when I get two fingers she is two centimeters. It’s just then when I look and the next doctor comes in, ‘I said who are you? He says the Oral Surgeon’, I said c’mon honey we are getting out of here.

Learning an Instrument

My daughter is taking piano lessons and she is getting really good. So good the instructor says she has a God given gift. The teacher claims she can be the next Bach or Chopin. She asks if I play any instruments since my daughter is so gifted….

I told her I play the skin flute. It’s an instrument you never quite master and it takes a lifetime of constant practice. Each practice lesson starts out a little rough but has a happy ending. I am a soloist in the Callused and Near Sighted Symphony. When I was a child my mother showed up at one of my performance but only once.

Screwed By The Numbers

It was Friday the 13th and I was running late for my job on the 2nd shift at 84 Lumber.. I stopped at 7-11, grabbed a 7-Up and was microwaving my Hot Pocket for 30 seconds when I met a 22-year old, who was definitely a 10. After talking for 5 minutes she wanted me to take her to the Motel 6 on Route 1 for a 69. I said I’m really tired, I only slept 2 hours last night. How ‘bout we just do a 68, and I’ll owe you 1. Or why don’t we just grab a 6 pack and watch 20/20. She got all mad, then I tried to 86 her. She put the 411 out to my 2nd wife, who filed for divorce and now has 100% custody of my 2 kids and 50% of my money. I tried to visit at 1:00 on the 4th of July and she called 911. About 25 cops from the 8th precinct showed up. I spent 12 hours in cell number 7 down at the 15th .The judge gave me 6 months probation and now due to the restraining order I can’t get within 100 feet of the house on 725 Elm Road. You may have seen the incident reported on channels 3,6, or 10.

Blind Date

My wife and I met on a blind date (yes I have no game), but she is really a beautiful women. I always remind her that right before the date I was told she was short, fat, and drove a pickup truck, but I still went out with her. She said "Oh yeah, she was told that I was tall, rich, and well-hung and here it is 6 years later and we are still married."

My best friend Tommy is pushing 40 and has never been married. so I asked my wife if she can fix him up with any of her friends at work. She would bring pictures home for Tommy to look at. She showed the first picture, Tommy said “Look at her hair, it’s a freaking rats nest” “I can’t be seen with her” Meanwhile he’s got a comb-over so long the NY search and rescue can use it to pull a family from the Hudson.

She shows him a picture of another woman and Tommy says “What is she like two bills?” I can’t be seen with her, as he rests the Budweiser tall boy on that continental shelf he calls a stomach.

She pull out a different picture, Tommy says “Look at the way this bitch dresses” “I can’t be seen with her”, as he scratches his gut through his Motley Crue “Theater of Pain” T-Shirt from the ’85 tour. I say pull your Levi Corduroys your ass cleavage is blinding us.