Friday, October 13, 2006

A Courtesy Flush Would Be Nice

As a rule of thumb I think the bathroom should be viewed the same way as a library. It doesn’t matter if it’s the bathroom at home, the work bathroom, or public restroom. You can read all you wish but strict silence and focus must be maintained at all times.

Apply the following common sense practices at work or in a public restroom:

1. Don’t ever talk to me when I’m in full lock-down mode perched atop the shitter. I need to focus on the delivery I’m about to drop off and I’m not really looking for a Q&A session about last night’s LOST. Besides, my half of the dialogue would just be grunts and groans anyway.

2. Speaking of grunts and groans; please keep your volume to a reasonable level. Nobody wants to hear you replicate delivery room audio over there in stall number three. You might want to look into a stool softener.

3. Never ask me for a high-five when I exit the stall, let me wash up and dry first then we can talk about that high-five.

4. Never use the middle urinal if both left and right are open. The next guy having to take a leak doesn’t want to go next to you and he’s wondering if you were forced to use the middle urinal because the other two were taken, or if you’re just a weird bastard looking to pecker check.

5. Rule number 4 also applies for stalls, never use the middle. It’s only acceptable to use the middle stall if both the left and right are occupied or were heavily abused by the people before you.

6. While at the urinal eyes forward at all times, no exceptions.

7. Never say the following phrases to anyone at the urinal: “Shake it don’t break it”, “How’s it hanging?”, “You shake more than twice you’re playing with it”, or “Is that water cold today?” Your alarming interest in my junk makes for an uncomfortable bathroom experience.

8. Note for the bathroom attendant at the nightclub: I don’t want a Tic-Tac, condom, cologne, gum, or any other dollar store trinket you may be peddling and I can dry my own hands, but thanks for your concern. If you like bathrooms so much go be a plumber’s apprentice.

Home bathroom rules:

1. If you happen to use the toilet paper down to the bottom please take a few seconds to replace the roll for the next person. That 2”x 3” two-ply paper square stuck to the otherwise empty roll isn’t going to help me close the deal.

2. If you just took the dump of a lifetime and you feel the toilet is clogged you might want to use that stick thingy next to the toilet, it’s called a plunger.

3. I tend to leave the seat up, that’s just the way I roll. So what? Why do I need to hear about it time after time after time? Just put it down and save the lecture. I’ve flushed down more than a few panty liners and you never heard jack from me.

4. Yes, that odor of a decomposed woodland creature came from you. Its okay to spray air freshener as liberally as possible, in fact it’s required.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Paris, you be North Korea: Nicole, you be South Korea

Over in North Korea Kim Jong "Licensed to" Il is over compensating for his shortcomings by playing nuclear dungeons and dragons. Iraq is the brink of civil war between the the Shiites, the Sunis, the Kurds, the Turds, the Trogs and some IED carrying jag-off named Omar who hates everything about the West except his new 80GB iPod. Meanwhile back here in the good ole' US of A it’s getting difficult to distinguish between a member of Congress and a member of NAMBLA.

Despite all the despair in the rest of the world I couldn’t be more excited that my two favorite Hollywood Hos are best friends forever again; Paris and Nicole. Their eighteen month feud just seemed like forever to me.

They met for dinner at Dan Tana’s Steakhouse in LA last week. This must have really screwed up the paparazzi. The last place they would expect to find these two dim-witted stick figures is at a steak house. Saladworks, sure, Taco Bell, alright, but a steakhouse? I heard the meal went really well, they not only ate off each other’s plate, but had a nice simultaneous bulimic after dinner purge in the ladies room just for old time sake. That's hot.

The public never really found out what the big feud was about. I’m betting it was an argument over shoes or the merits of wave-particle duality. Someone please tell Bob Woodward to leave Bush alone and get to the bottom of this already!

If these two can patch up their complex and multi-layered differences maybe world peace is a real possibility after all.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Paging Former Congressman Mark Foley

Mark Foley stood beside President Bush as he signed legislation to enact tougher federal laws against child predators. Good thing for Bush, Foley didn’t stand behind him, he might have a more confused look on his face than usual.

From my ‘No Shit’ file here is a little news flash: “Washington DC is not a safe place for young people.” If you don’t believe me just ask Monica Lewinsky, or the kid who is the designated driver for Ted Kennedy.

The political arena is nothing more than a cesspool of people with power and influence who will say anything or do anything to get re-elected and Washington acts as the landfill where all the shit mixes together to emit the stank that is American politics.

In public they preach about morals and family values, but their private their lives could fill the whole season of HBO’s ‘Real Sex’. Any parent who lets their kid go to Washington to be an intern, page, or anything else should have their heads examined, and if the parents are hot enough they may just get a politician to do the examination.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and there is a whole lot of Absolut flowing in D.C.. Holy shit did I just write that? Does anybody remember California Congressman Gary Condit and his intern/girlfriend Chandra Levy; who was kidnapped and murdered? The married Condit got more side-ass than all the Rolling Stones combined during the ‘Some Girls’ tour in ’78. The Levy murder has yet to be solved.

Look at the Catholic priest molestation scandal and cover-up, Clinton-Lewinsky, McGreevey and his boyfriend/ Homeland Security advisor, and now Mark Foley. Foley is now a former congressman with a lot of free time and a sticky keyboard.

Does Microsoft have an emoticon for “Never IM me again you sick middle-aged bastard” yet? Maybe a red X covering a guy in a trench coat?

Foley was a member of the House, whose career was ruined because he wanted details about the member of a teenage page from his house. The House leader from the Republican Party knew about this and still did nothing.

Foley’s lawyer tried to defend him by first saying he’s an alcoholic. I don’t care how many Cosmopolitans he downs, it’s no excuse. Then the lawyer said Foley is gay, another revelation from the ‘No Shit’ file. He was also molested as a teenager by clergy, he will have to take a number and get in line with that last excuse. Next the lawyer will blame Dell for selling Foley the computer. Let’s blame everyone but the predator himself, and lawyers wonder why they are so hated.

A final note to parents: Don’t send your kids to Washington to work a summer job. They can get the same experiences in Las Vegas, Rio, or Key West, with people their own age without all the politics getting in the way.