White Chamberlain

Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women. He has a brother Todd, not an actor, but a chemist who’s never gotten laid. His nickname is "Master Beatty".

Jon and Kate Minus Fifteen

Let's be amicable in the divorce and split up the five minutes of fame we have left equally...here's your 2.5 minutes.

Idol Worship

SIMON: Ryan, It feels as if you're checking me for a hernia

RYAN: That was so five minutes ago..now it's just for thrills

Hole in One?

Tiger: I swear to God I was just teaching her the game of golf, but nothing physical happened!

Wife: I need you to answer this one question: Did she handle your driver?

Tiger: Hmm, can you excuse me for a minute? I’ll be right back I have to play this next shot into the fire hydrant and then into the biggest tree in the front of our house. If things work out I'll be a four handicap when I am finished

Third Party System

"Keep this quiet but I have no business being here in the White House. No credentials, no real political experience to speak of, I am just crashing this Democratic party, haha !

That’s so funny because it’s the same deal for my wife and I ”

When I say jump.....

Stedman: Oprah is it true you're retiring after next year?

Oprah: YES. I announced it on MY SHOW! Weren't you watching that day??

Stedman: Umm..sorry, but no dear. I was dusting the house like you told me to do.

Oprah: You missed MY SHOW? That's it. You're grounded for two weeks and no allowance!

Stedman: I deserve it. But what I am going to do once you retire?

Oprah: Same thing you do right now, which is everything I say and even more of it and I'll be around more often to make sure you don't screw up!

Stedman: I love you pookie bear!

Oprah: Rub my bunions...NOW!

New Moon, Gone Soon!

Hello all – My name is Robert Pattinson and my movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon has had the third-biggest opening weekend in film history grossing $140.7 million during its first weekend in theaters in the U.S. alone.

Yeah I know I don’t get it either; Vampires?? Bollocks! The heartthrob thing is quite puzzling as well. Christ, I am average looking bloke with funny eyes and a constant uni-brow should I miss a day of shaving. And If I was any paler, I would be invisible, but all the birds still fancy me.

Go figure?

Oh yeah one more thing I almost forgot to mention my agent worked out a percentage of the box office gross as my salary, so please see this steaming pile of dung more than once if you haven’t already.

So, have fun at your 9-5 tomorrow that is if you even have a job given the economy and all. You may or may not see me again, I mean I don’t really have to work again if I don’t want to.

Cheers

Running Through My Mind

I'd love to see her run my neighborhood....just not my country