Thursday, February 23, 2006

Urine or You're Out

In a perfect world professional athletes would never break any laws, do drugs, say anything stupid, or rip their own fans. Athletes would be admired by all. Parents would have no qualms with their children emulating the humble, hard working behaviors of our everyday professional athlete.

But that’s not the reality of the modern athlete. They are rich and rude, they take whatever drug (recreational or performance enhancing) they can get their hands on.

Does it make sense to even have drug tests anymore?

I know the argument, the kids look up to the athletes and if the kids know the athletes are taking drugs, they will too. Any parent who lets their kid emulate any modern athlete should have their parenting ticket shredded into a thousand little pieces.

I got news for you parents; most of your kids are beyond the maturity level of professional athletes already. Athletic prowess trumps all other requisite skills that the rest of us are forced to develop during the maturation process. Elite athletes zip through childhood to adolescence to adulthood in the EZ-Pass lane without so much as reading a highway sign or reading anything else for that matter.

If your kids are hooked on drugs, don’t blame it on professional athletes, look at his new friend Todd, the glaze-eyed kid who never seems to leave your house, and whose laugh sounds like an ’79 Thunderbird engine trying to start on a 10 degree January morning. If you’re kid is an athlete he probably is being introduced to the smokeless chemicals to make him stronger, faster, and therefore better for his team.

Yes, it’s fourth and an ounce for Ricky Williams and he is not going to make it. He failed three prior tests for weed and a fourth for what the league hasn’t disclosed. Maybe it’s an unknown drug? Ricky spends a lot of time in India, maybe he used some of his signing bonus for pharma R&D?

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m anti-drug. I don’t want Cheech and Chong as my starting corners, even if they have experience in the nickel package. Having said that, I don’t think these professional athletes should be tested for substances. I think they should be able to take whatever they want to take and pay the consequences for their own actions later. A performance enhancing drug is all the better. We the fans benefit because we get to see better performances.

Remember the great homerun race of 1998 between McGwire and Sosa? Those two resembled human bobble heads and we all knew they were downing more than protein shakes. But who cares? It gave us a great story to follow that season. I still remember batting practice that summer and how McGwire effortlessly blasted 500ft. moon shots off the upper deck at the Vet. Let’s face it, baseball hasn’t been that interesting since that season.

Think about it, do you think our beloved ’93 Phils would have given us that great ride if they were substance free? No, me neither..

As a fan, at the end of the day, I just want to see the best possible performance on the field, particularly if I’m a season ticket holder. The way they prepare to give us the best possible performance should be left up to the athlete.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Shootin' Straight From the Lip

HUME: Mr. Vice President, how’s Mr. Whittington?
CHENEY: Just peachy! His grill is full of pellets; when he sneezes the nurses drop for cover, he just had a lead induced heart attack, and he is 78 years old.

HUME: How did you feel when you heard about that?
CHENEY: I was hoping he came down with Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember who shot him.

HUME: Would you describe him as a close friend? Friendly acquaintance?
CHENEY: An intruder, that’s what I told the police anyway.

HUME: Tell me what happened.
CHENEY: Brit you know how I roll…lots of booze, lots of broads, and lots of bullets. Next thing I know Old Man River is down for the count. Some dudes just can’t hang.

HUME: Describe the setting.
CHENEY: The ranch is in South Texas, I got ‘ZZ-Top Eliminator’ cranked up, I got a half bottle of Jack in me, I’m dancing and shooting to ‘She Got Me Under Pressure’ pellets are flying everywhere. I never even saw the Geritol Kid.

HUME: Did you shoot any quail at all.
CHENEY: Was he out there?? I would have gotten him too if I knew.

HUME: And Mr. Whittington was conscious, unconscious, what?
CHENEY: He was conscious.

HUME: What did you say?
CHENEY: Harry how would you and the missus like a nice weekend in the Lincoln bedroom and we forget this ever happened? What do you say old pal?

HUME: What did he say?
CHENEY: He wished me another heart attack, very weakly flipped me the bird, and then went unconscious.

HUME: What did you think when you saw the injuries?
CHENEY: I had two very distinct thoughts…How far is the Mexican border? And It’s sounds like my Eliminator CD is scratched.

HUME: Thank you Mr. Vice President
CHENEY: That’s Brit. Do me a favor, next time I shoot somebody don’t ask such tough questions.

Monday, February 06, 2006

An Open Letter from Don King

Saturday May 20, 2006
Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City

12 Rounds for the NFL “Don't Know When to Shut-up Heavyweight Championship of the World”

The Malcontent vs. The Mama's Boy

Listen closely my two pigskin grabbin’ brothers, why exchange verbal fisticuffs through the media for free when you can trade real fisticuffs and get paid?

We can matriculate and exacerbate millions of dollars from the public through pay-per-view.

It will be magnificent, flatulent, portentous, mephitis, bombastic, stupendous, and tremendous!!

Just thinking about it makes my hair sit down!!

Donovan - I’ll get LL Cool J to do a live version or “Mama Said Knock You Out” as you enter the ring with Wilma. You won't ever have to make one of those corny-ass soup commercials again with all the money I'll take. Oops my bad, I meant all the money you'll make.

T.O.- You can enter the ring to “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” by Aretha Franklin. If you like we can even hire Nicollette Sheridan as one of the ring girls, or even all of the Desperate House Hos.

Only in America.. only in America!!