Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Few Reasons Why Philadelphia is Better Than Buffalo

1975 Stanley Cup Finals (you tried to blind our boys with fog, they said PHOG you!)

The Birds only choked twice in Super Bowls in two separate decades
Bills stunk out the first half of the ‘90’s going 0-4

We have Chris Matthews, you have Tim Russert

We have Kevin Bacon and all those people six degrees removed from him. You have Vincent Gallo all by himself.

We have ‘The Hooters’, you have the ‘Goo-Goo Dolls’, no need to expound

David “automatic” Akers vs. Scott “the wind took it right” Norwood

Our best football players only choke; they never committed double homicide in tight fitting gloves

You sleep with uglier women you never want to see again… Last call here 2:00 AM..... Last call Buffalo 4:00 AM

You only have a football and a hockey team to disappoint you every year. We have yearly losers in all four major sports and horses too.

You had Orel Hershiser; who was born in Buffalo, we stole him; raised in Cherry Hill, NJ he played for the little Flyers and would have been teased about his name no matter where he was from

You had Grover Washington Jr; who was born in Buffalo, realized you can’t play jazz in Buffalo and be taken seriously, then came to Philly. We also have that black dude Kevin who plays guitar for Leno and likes weed.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Judge, I Was At Least 310 Feet Away!

Charlie Sheen has been ordered by a Los Angeles court to keep at least 300 feet away from Denise Richards, his estranged wife.

This shouldn’t be too hard for Sheen to stay away because the last time I checked Denise isn’t a ‘ho. This restraining order now elevates Sheen to obsessed fan status. Maybe he can hang out with David Letterman’s latest stalker and find out how to work around the order. She seems to spend more time in Letterman’s houses than he does.

Richards said in papers filed to the court that Sheen had been abusive and threatened to kill her. According to the New York Post, he had screamed at her: “I hope you die, bitch!” after she allegedly discovered he had been looking at internet pornography sites.

I know it had to be embarrassing for Charlie to get caught while trying to rub one out over internet porn. My mother-in-law still reminds me about it weekly. A courtesy knock would have been nice mom-mom. Ironically enough for Charlie, it was an all male site that featured two and a half men. If I recall from ‘Major League’ Charlie is a pitcher not a catcher.

The Sheen family is a strange bunch. First of all, half are named Sheen and half are named Estevez. That fact alone screams bi-polar disorder. West Wing President and papa whack-a-doodle Martin Sheen is a social activist whose been arrested too many times to count for various causes none of which I could name right now if you paid me. He really seems to care…about what I have no idea?

Emelio Estevez; who I haven’t seen since ‘The Breakfast Club’ used to date Paula Abdul and Demi Moore. He dated Paula way before the Brinks truck rolled up with the “American Idol” payday. He dated Demi before the milk trucked rolled up with the D cups.

You’ve got some great timing E squared !

In the eighties Charlie Sheen starred in “Platoon “ and “Wall Street” in consecutive years. He was as big a star as Tom Cruise during that period. But soon after, his love of booze, drugs, and porn stars made him into a studio’s worst nightmare. During movies he would disappear for days at a time and when he decided to show up he would fight with directors, producers, and other actors.

His behavior became as predictable as a Snoop-Dog drug test result.

Fast forward a couple decades; a clean and sober Charlie Sheen is cast in the top ten CBS hit “Two and a Half Men”, with another eighties castoff; Jon Cryer. At the same time he finds Denise Richards, settles down has a couple kids. Two daughters; ha-ha…you can’t tell me there is no such thing as karma.

Things are really going swell for ole Chuck and then in March 2005 Denise filed for divorce. The seldom used legalese “Irreconcilable Difference” showed itself on court papers.

Too bad.

I wonder if Charlie is still has Heidi Fleiss on speed dial? Heidi should be able to hook him up with a Denise Richards look-a-like without a restraining order who doesn’t want half his cash in a divorce, just a few hundred for services rendered.

Just a Radio No No

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow that’s what the critics keep saying.

Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit about what they're saying .

There would come a day when CBS Radio will say they are better off without me When the end comes I knowThey’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"Life goes on without me

Cuz I ain't got ratings nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody listens to meI'm so sad and lonely sad and lonely, sad and lonely

Won't some kind listeners come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain't so badSad and lonesome all the time
Even on the dial, on the, on the dial I ain't got no listeners

Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blowThat’s what the critics keep saying

Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit about what they're saying
There would come a day when CBS Radio will all say they are better off without me

When the end comes I knowThey’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"Life goes on without me

Monday, April 17, 2006

I’d Rather They Just Probe Uranus Free of Charge

NASA plans to crash a space probe into the moon in 2009 ; a collision so violent it will be visible on Earth through a telescope.

NASA scientists say the collision should excavate a hole about a third the size of a football field and hurl a plume of debris into space. After the crash of the space probe, the mothership that released it will fly through the plume and look for traces of water ice or vapor _ similar to NASA's Deep Impact mission last July, which blasted into a comet.

If you want a collision so bad, just have President Nucular read a chapter from James Joyce’s Ulysses before the next state of the union address. I can promise you a train wreck in prime time on all the major networks.

The entire mission will cost more than $600 million. Nope…That’s not a misprint. $600 million just to find water ice. Good thing their not looking an ice cappuccino that could cost a billion or so.

If I remember right from my 5th grade earth sciences class the world is 2/3 covered with water? Right? Surely some of it has to be all iced up. Can’t NASA just hang out in in the North Pole for awhile and scooped up a few yards of soil to study. Santa can be bought, everyone has their price. They can probe Antarctica or even Aunt Sally for all I care. Keep the exploration earthbound and we should be able to save a few dollars.

Here’s an idea, it might be a little bit out there, but what the hell here goes…
How about putting that $600 million into a functional health care plan, this way I don’t need to take a small loan for my co-pay the next time I get checked for a hernia? The doctor only grabs my beanbag and asks me to cough, but the insurance company kicks me square in the nuts and asks for blood.

This moon crash debacle is part of a larger mission that includes a lunar orbiter, the mission's purpose is really just a quest for ice. Water is the key ingredient for supporting future human outposts on the moon, a goal of the Bush administration.

The last time the Bush administration started a quest it had nothing to do with ice. If this “quest for ice” is anything like the “search for weapons of mass destruction” the tab is going bigger than $600 million.

Frankly, I wish the Bush administration would stop having anymore goals. Any goal that’s been attempted thus far has backfired like the exhaust on my ’76 Ford Pinto.

Just ride out the last two years quietly without any sudden moves, quests, probes, leaks,or crashes.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Prevent Global Warming

10. Known to bring air conditioner to the beach.
9. Will only barbecue indoors
8. Constantly wears the propeller beanie.
7. Placed Rand- McNally World Atlas in his refrigerator.
6. Thinks Ice Hockey Ice should be a required international game
5. Frequently attempts to “chill like Gilligan”
4. He only eats Iceberg lettuce
3. Inspired by ‘Hands across America’, he is starting ‘Freeze Tag Across America’
2. Known to routinely FedEx ice to countries south of the Equator

And the Number One Dumb Guy Way To Prevent Global Warming…
He protests the sale of Hot Pockets at neighborhood grocery store.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I Love It When You Talk News In Bed

I never thought Katie Couric to be hot until the ink dried on the new deal which pays her $15 mil per year to anchor the CBS Evening News. That some real sweet coin just to read the teleprompter to a bunch of septuagenarians. I couldn’t tell you who she is replacing or even who her competition is, and if I could I’d slap myself with my good hand.

Does anyone watch the evening news anymore or even the local news for that matter? I have the attention span of a crack addicted rabbit and I don’t have the time or patience to wait until the news comes on to get my daily briefing. I can find all the news that’s fit to scan right at my fingertips online.

Katie will also become part of the 60 Minutes team. In what role? Visiting nurse? “Okay Mr. Rooney please bend over time for your suppository”. The following week a still sore Andy asks "Did you ever notice how visiting nurses named Katie like to stick things in your dumper?"

There must be something in the water over at CBS because Walter Cronkite is still alive. I saw him on Larry King (another fossil) talking about how he loves those crazy kids who host 60 Minutes. Cronkite was old when Kennedy died, no not junior, the one that was President.

Meredith Viera will take Katie’s spot next to Tom Cruise’s worst nightmare; Matt Lauer on Today. Meredith will pocket a cool 10 mil a year to fake guffaw at Al Roker’s stale one liners. She will maintain her professionalism and converse eye to eye with Ann Curry without suggesting a psych med or two. It’s probably not a hard gig after years of dealing with those housefraus on ‘The View’. If Barbara Walters has another facelift she will be sporting a pubic goatee. And why were at it, who the hell let all the air out of Star Jones?

I heard all the experts fawning over Meredith and how serious a journalist she is. Meredith’s been known to talk about porn flicks she's watched, and how on occasion she will go all reverse cow girl on her husband as he sleeps.

Who says girls named Meredith are frigid? That’s just hot!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Yeah, But Can It Lip-Sync?

Connecticut sculptor Daniel Edwards created the "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," which depicts Britney Spears crouching naked on a bearskin rug as her baby emerges.

"I admire her. This is an idealized figure," the Connecticut-based artist tells the Associated Press – also admitting that he's never met or even spoken to his 24-year-old subject.

I don't know about you but I can't think of a better way to display ones admiration than a depiction of doggy-style nudity on bearskin?? How about a nice oil painting, flowers or maybe even a candygram? Any of the above would have done the trick there Michelangelo.

Actually I have to say the piece is really life-like. During my initial gander I became stiffer than the death penalty or the statue.

Edwards is working on a matching piece with Kevin Federline as the subject. It’s tentatively titled “Unemployed Talentless Whigger on Couch with Remote and Bad Credit.”

Edwards plans to display his artwork at the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in Brooklyn's Williamsburg neighborhood. He has already received hundreds of requests for tickets from Tom Cruise; who could be heard shouting to a frightened and weeping Katie Holmes in the background “We are going to be as quiet and still as the cement Britney when it’s our time little girl, you got that, I said you got that little girl!!”

Britney doesn’t have the most tread on the tractor tire, but somebody needs to tell her it’s not required to give birth the same way you got pregnant… doggy-style on a bear skin rug, clutching a lions head. It’s a shame Edwards couldn’t recreate the Louisiana roadside bar men’s room floor to fully capture the night of conception.

Not to boast, but I know firsthand Britney likes to get her freak-on over a leopard skin, not a bearskin rug. She also has a mole on the inner part of the left cheek, which sadly I didn’t see represented in the piece.

In the interest of full disclosure, I call my right hand “firsthand Britney.” Oops I did it again.

Some people are really pissed about this whole thing. I don’t really care if you are for abortion or against it. That’s none of my bidness. But the pro-choice heads need to chill on this one. This cat is trying to make a few bucks with his Play-Doh creations. It's not like he's the one who knocked her up.

I’m just glad he chose Britney Spears as his subject. He could have completed an earlier work …”The Neverland Slumber Party."

Then all of us would have something to complain about.