Thursday, February 26, 2009

E-Harmony Disaster (Part I)

She looked like someone famous but I couldn’t place.. I stared at the photo for a few more seconds before it hit me. Denise Richards, that’s not too bad at all. I didn’t expect to see a Denise Richards look-a-like looking to meet someone on E-Harmony, it’s a good thing I don’t look likes Charlie Sheen. She listed her age as 29, she owns a business, in her spare time teaches a spinning class at the Y, volunteers at a homeless shelter, her specialty in the kitchen is French food, only drinks occasionally, I won’t hold that against her. She doesn’t smoke, no pets, enjoys threesomes with a guy she met online and her hottest girlfriend (okay I threw that one in there)

After a few long phone conversations we decided to meet. We were to meet at a restaurant half-way between her house and mine. Her name is Jill I told her my real name was Jack just to break the ice during our first phone chat. She thought that was the cutest thing, Jack and Jill went up the hill….and you know the rest of it….to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and Jill hopped on top they banged like jackrabbits. So, I already started off with a lie about my name but I figured I better stick with it. I could either be Jack and possibly get laid or tell her I lied and my name is not Jack, and go home and Jack-off.

I got to the restaurant and there were all kind of single hotties roaming about. Which one was Jill? Look for Denise Richards dummy. We were supposed to meet at 7:00, but since I hadn’t been laid in weeks, ok months I decided to get there early so I didn’t screw it up. There was one girl at the bar that I thought looked like Denise Richards, and she was by herself sipping a glass of wine. After two quick pints of Swithwicks I went you to her and asked “Are you Jill?” She looked at for second without saying anything. So. I asked again “Is your name Jill?” She put her hands together and mumbled something that I couldn’t make out. She put two fingers out and made a circle with the other hand. It look like the hand gesture for screwing. I thought she was joking around so I did the same thing back to her but faster, that’s when I felt someone grab the back of shirt and pull me. “Are you making fun of my girlfriend you asshole” I turned around to make eye contact with the pissed off boyfriend, my eyes met his chest as he was about a foot taller than me. I looked up the way a scolded child looks up to his pissed off father who just found out the kid has cut school for the last week. I craned my neck as best I could and said “I didn’t know she was your girlfriend” “She’s deaf and you were making fun of her” At this point I questioned her eye sight as well. This cat looked like Frankenstein’s ugly older brother.

I thought maybe the deaf girl tried to break-up with but she can’t talk and he probably can’t read sign language or ever read at all. So she couldn’t communicate with him, so she’s stuck with him, and now he’s about to kick my ass because she’s deaf and he’s dumb and I didn’t know it….

Thursday, February 19, 2009

My Oscar Predictions about Movies I didn't See

Actor in a Leading Role

Sean Penn (Milk)- I thought this film was about the ethical treatment of cows and the vast benefits of Vitamin D, boy was I utterly surprised!. Sean Penn acts gay we get it! You don’t have to ram it down our throats…so to speak. What do you think attracted Madonna to him in the first place?

Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)- Is the state of the movie business that bad that we need to make movies based on an insignificant TV interview thirty years ago? Frank Langella’s response: “Hell yes and thank God”.

Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)- I suffered through Stepbrothers with John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell. Richard Jenkins was the best part of the movie.

Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)- A guy regresses from a man to a child …according to my wife that describes me for the five years of our marriage.

(X) Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)- Mickey Rourke’s done more damage to his career for the last fifteen years than the plastic surgeon or other wrestlers did to his face… he deserves to win.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Josh Brolin (Milk)- He had milk all over his top lip, calm down it wasn’t Harvey…he did a milk ad.

Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder)- Does he really need the Jr. in his name. Nobody knows who his dad is. He plays a white guy pretending to be black, think Justin Timberlake in a war setting.

Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)- He plays a gay priest…Rev. Philip Seymour Hinee.

(X) Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)- He’s dead he won’t mind if he loses, but the Academy will give him the Oscar just to save ten minutes of air time on the acceptance speech he won’t give.

Michael Shannon (Revolutionary Road)- I’ve never heard of him and he won’t win, but at least he isn’t dead.

Actress in a Leading Role

Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)- She went from Disney movies to being a total freak….and I like it.

Angelina Jolie (Changeling)- Even if she doesn’t win she is going to legally adopt Oscar and make Brad Pitt stay home and take care of him.

Melissa Leo ( Frozen River)- She is the Michael Shannon of the group.

(X) Meryl Streep (Doubt)- A nun looking to kick some serious ass…Is there any other type? America’s best actress will get another one for her trophy case.

Kate Winslet (The Reader)- Ricky Gervais gave her good advice about the Holocaust movie, if she wins she has to bring him up on stage so he can talk about himself for ten minutes.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Viola Davis (Doubt)- Never heard of her.

Amy Adams (Doubt)- Never heard of her.

(X) Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)- She’s hot, and she had the smarts to get away from that whack-job Tom Cruise. I hope she wins.

Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)- Never heard of her.

Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)- Like’s to take her clothes more than we like to see it now that she’s in her forties.

Best Picture

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Looks like a good movie not good enough to shell out $12 at the ticket counter. I’ll wait for the DVD.
Frost/Nixon- Maybe thirty years ago some people would have found this an interesting movie.
Milk- He does a Male body good. This movie really sneaked up on Oscar from behind.
The Reader- Holocaust flick, it’s Schindler without his list.
(X) Slumdog Millionaire- An Indian movie directed by an Englishman of Irish decent will win an Oscar in America…What a great world we live in.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Finger Lickin' Gold

Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe for fried chicken was back in its Kentucky this week after five months in hiding while KFC upgraded security around its top corporate secret.
Call Homeland Security the Colonels secret recipe is being transported! Detainees fought guards and broke through the maze of maximum security at Gitmo in droves upon hearing that the secret recipe may be in a compromising position. “I pray with all my might to Allah that he gives me the wisdom and strength to capture the 11 herbs and spices”.

We can all sleep all sleep easy knowing the Colonel’s original recipe was returned from an undisclosed location to KFC's headquarters in a lockbox handcuffed to the wrist of a security consultant. The poor security consultant has to go home and recap his exciting day with the wife. “How was work today honey? Did you work with the CIA, FBI, or Homeland Security on critical issues of national security?” “Not quite, I was handcuffed to the Colonel’s original recipe as I drove to Kentucky”. “What?? Mother always told me you were freaking LOSER”

The Colonel? That’s an interesting name isn’t it? Did he have a military background? Thanks for asking it turns out he did. What are his military credentials? Bronze star? Purple heart?…..Head cook at the Commissary? It turns out he was in the Army but only achieved the rank of Private. You shouldn’t being calling yourself a Colonel when you’re just a Private, that’s not right. I like to golf but I’m not running around calling myself Tiger.

And the KFC slogan: Finger lickin’ good- Don’t encourage this type of behavior it’s not very sanitary. And if you are so compelled to lick your fingers please wash-up first. KFC may be the only business in the world that can get away with this slogan: Finger lickin’ good. This slogan could never be used in the medical community. “Hi Dr. Jeff Martin your favorite Gynecologist at Martin and Associates. Ladies be sure to schedule your yearly pap smear and remember “We’re finger lickin’ good!”

Thursday, February 12, 2009

2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Tissue

Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli has stolen the world headlines by being named the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Cover Girl. Bar Refaeli? I could have sworn I had a Gin and Tonic there the last time I was in Tel Aviv. How is it possible that Bar and Babs are part of the same race?

For the record I’ve never purchased or read the Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue, however I do spank it furiously to the photos.

Typically, you have three groups who do buy the magazine:

First and foremost is the collector, he is some creepy 40-something who is living with his mother. He claims he’s still at home to take care of mom, she prays every night with every fiber of her being that “he will just go the hell away for the love of God”. He has every single swimsuit issue and commemorates his personal favorites by sealing the covers with his own DNA. The 1980 Christie Brinkley issue resembles the aftermath of a wax candle destroyed by a blow torch.

The second group is the high school kid too young to go to the tittie bars and shut out from online porn by their mother’s “strict filtering” abilities and her frequent password changes. In addition to his mad masturbation skills this kid is also a sport’s junky so he also justifies the purchase because he wants to read about the upcoming baseball season and NBA all-star weekend.

The third group is the bored housewives who religiously watch daytime TV talk shows and want to understand what the fuss is about; they pick up the issue along with the newest Janet Evanovich for next month’s book club. Then proceed to splash the magazine open and badger their husbands with ridiculous questions like; “Would you cheat on me with her?” You think which one is she talking about, is this multiple choice? The housewife then stands naked in the mirror and says to her husband "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. The husband then replies, "Your eyesight's damned near perfect"

So, you see the SI swimsuit issue really serves no purpose to the normal well adjusted red blooded American male. No sex and nudity (which are mutual inclusive so I didn’t need to write both words but I really like to write both), and not enough time given to sports because all those classy pictures are eating up valuable sports reporting space.

Caught between A-Rock and A-Rod

Comedy writer and blogger extraordinaire Ken Levine his view of similarities between the Alex Rodriquez steroid scandal and the Rock Hudson AIDS scandal.

Levine wrote:
Don’t think it’s a stretch that I’m comparing you to Hollywood heartthrob, Rock Hudson. You’re both performers. And you both have strong ties with sports. You’re a professional baseball player. Mr. Hudson was involved in a prostitution scandal involving members of the 1962 University of Kentucky football team.

I’ve posted some more similarities:

A-Rod is an asshole.
Rock in an asshole.

Many chemicals made A-Rod hard as a rock.
Much booze made Rock seek a hard rod.

A-Rod never cared for the minors.
Rock never cared for the minors.

A-Rod is a five-tool player.
Rock was a five-tool player.

A-Rod never tried to switch hit.
Rock never tried to switch hit.

A-Rod showers with many guys.
Rock showered with many guys.

A-Rod once caught a pitcher with Vaseline on his balls.
Rock once caught a pitcher with Vaseline on his balls.

A-Rod loves to hear the crack of the bat.
Rock loved the bat near his crack.

A-Rod was part of many come from behind rallies.
Rock was part of many come from behind parties.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Headlines for President Obama’s Stimulus Package…that may be misinterpreted

Obama’s stimulus package…

...contains too much pork
…sneaked up on America from behind
…might fall limp once it reaches The House
…needs to be re-tooled
….too hard to swallow
…stiffs the American middle class
…itching to get passed
…doesn’t pass the smell test
…comes quicker than anticipated
…scrubbed by economists and academics alike

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Hi I’m Michael Phelps for Duncan Hines Pot Brownies

When the kids in the South Carolina University dorm room asked Michael Phelps to “pass that thing around so we can hold it”, they weren’t talking about one of fourteen gold medals he won at the 2004 or the 2008 summer Olympics. However there was a gold-digger in the crowd. That would be the person who took the photo of Mike drawing an Olympic size hit off an Olympic sized bong. The gold-digger sold this incriminating photo to a London tabloid and now Mike is being forced into mea culpa mode. But to be honest he has nothing to be sorry about, he was simply enjoying some weekend relaxation with some friends. So what if he likes to have a smoke now and again, he isn’t hurting anyone other than himself. His real crime was letting his guard down in a public situation. You can smoke if you wish, just go somewhere more private, I don’t know like maybe your house.

Because of societies attitudes about marijuana he is being forced to apologize to save his public image and many pending endorsement deals. Phelps acknowledged "regrettable" behavior and "bad judgment" after the photos surfaced.

I thought the poor guy might have Glaucoma. Who are we to judge? I'm not an Optometrists are you? He does wear those coke-bottle goggles when he swims. He won fourteen gold medals in the regular Olympics! He could easily double that count in the Special Olympics if he entered as a partially blind guy using weed for medicinal purposes only.

When you play Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon” backward Phelps breaks into a 200-meter backstroke. Even if he’s not near a pool…true story.

Marijuana is legal in some states but not all. Smokers risk damaging their lungs, but all in all it is probably less harmful to a person than alcohol. It’s less harmful to those around you than alcohol that’s for sure. We’ve all been around drunks at the bar who start fighting before you know it we’re all involved in the fracas because the two drunkards have slammed into us on the other side of bar.

That never happens when people are stoned….the only mild argument happens when it’s the last slice of pizza when the munchies kick in. “Dude I wanted it”…”But dude, I’m still hungry, but we can share” “Alright” "What were we just talking about again?"

The biggest issues I have with weed are the people that abuse it. It becomes part of their daily lifestyle. They started off just getting high before concerts…. then a few years later for sci-fi or action movies in the theater…then for sporting events. Years later they spark-up for any of the following special occasions: PTA meeting, taking the dog to the groomers, bringing the car in for repairs, the neighborhood garage sale, church; it’s really ridiculous at this point.

And just in case you think marijuana lovers are too baked to be vigilant, there’s NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws).

I take umbrage with the acronym NORML for several reasons…

If you all were so NORML you wouldn’t have to spell it UPPERCASE would you? I guess you are eyes too squinty from all the smoke to read Norml. And why were at it, couldn’t you have found a better acronym than NORML. WTF? Besides being in UPPERCASE it's missing the “A” from the word for chrissakes. Are you all too baked to come up with a different name? Call it HOOP (Hands Off Our Pot ) or WALL (Weeds Awesome Like Love).

Hopefully, Michael Phelps never becomes the national spokesman for NORML and tries to petition the 2012 Summer Games be held in Amsterdam, instead of London, so he can smoke even better competition.