My Oscar Predictions about Movies I didn't See

Actor in a Leading Role

Sean Penn (Milk)- I thought this film was about the ethical treatment of cows and the vast benefits of Vitamin D, boy was I utterly surprised!. Sean Penn acts gay we get it! You don’t have to ram it down our throats…so to speak. What do you think attracted Madonna to him in the first place?

Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)- Is the state of the movie business that bad that we need to make movies based on an insignificant TV interview thirty years ago? Frank Langella’s response: “Hell yes and thank God”.

Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)- I suffered through Stepbrothers with John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell. Richard Jenkins was the best part of the movie.

Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)- A guy regresses from a man to a child …according to my wife that describes me for the five years of our marriage.

(X) Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)- Mickey Rourke’s done more damage to his career for the last fifteen years than the plastic surgeon or other wrestlers did to his face… he deserves to win.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Josh Brolin (Milk)- He had milk all over his top lip, calm down it wasn’t Harvey…he did a milk ad.

Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder)- Does he really need the Jr. in his name. Nobody knows who his dad is. He plays a white guy pretending to be black, think Justin Timberlake in a war setting.

Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)- He plays a gay priest…Rev. Philip Seymour Hinee.

(X) Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)- He’s dead he won’t mind if he loses, but the Academy will give him the Oscar just to save ten minutes of air time on the acceptance speech he won’t give.

Michael Shannon (Revolutionary Road)- I’ve never heard of him and he won’t win, but at least he isn’t dead.

Actress in a Leading Role

Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)- She went from Disney movies to being a total freak….and I like it.

Angelina Jolie (Changeling)- Even if she doesn’t win she is going to legally adopt Oscar and make Brad Pitt stay home and take care of him.

Melissa Leo ( Frozen River)- She is the Michael Shannon of the group.

(X) Meryl Streep (Doubt)- A nun looking to kick some serious ass…Is there any other type? America’s best actress will get another one for her trophy case.

Kate Winslet (The Reader)- Ricky Gervais gave her good advice about the Holocaust movie, if she wins she has to bring him up on stage so he can talk about himself for ten minutes.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Viola Davis (Doubt)- Never heard of her.

Amy Adams (Doubt)- Never heard of her.

(X) Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)- She’s hot, and she had the smarts to get away from that whack-job Tom Cruise. I hope she wins.

Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)- Never heard of her.

Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)- Like’s to take her clothes more than we like to see it now that she’s in her forties.

Best Picture

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Looks like a good movie not good enough to shell out $12 at the ticket counter. I’ll wait for the DVD.

Frost/Nixon- Maybe thirty years ago some people would have found this an interesting movie.

Milk- He does a Male body good. This movie really sneaked up on Oscar from behind.

The Reader- Holocaust flick, it’s Schindler without his list.

(X) Slumdog Millionaire- An Indian movie directed by an Englishman of Irish decent will win an Oscar in America…What a great world we live in.