Thursday, February 26, 2009

E-Harmony Disaster (Part I)

She looked like someone famous but I couldn’t place.. I stared at the photo for a few more seconds before it hit me. Denise Richards, that’s not too bad at all. I didn’t expect to see a Denise Richards look-a-like looking to meet someone on E-Harmony, it’s a good thing I don’t look likes Charlie Sheen. She listed her age as 29, she owns a business, in her spare time teaches a spinning class at the Y, volunteers at a homeless shelter, her specialty in the kitchen is French food, only drinks occasionally, I won’t hold that against her. She doesn’t smoke, no pets, enjoys threesomes with a guy she met online and her hottest girlfriend (okay I threw that one in there)

After a few long phone conversations we decided to meet. We were to meet at a restaurant half-way between her house and mine. Her name is Jill I told her my real name was Jack just to break the ice during our first phone chat. She thought that was the cutest thing, Jack and Jill went up the hill….and you know the rest of it….to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and Jill hopped on top they banged like jackrabbits. So, I already started off with a lie about my name but I figured I better stick with it. I could either be Jack and possibly get laid or tell her I lied and my name is not Jack, and go home and Jack-off.

I got to the restaurant and there were all kind of single hotties roaming about. Which one was Jill? Look for Denise Richards dummy. We were supposed to meet at 7:00, but since I hadn’t been laid in weeks, ok months I decided to get there early so I didn’t screw it up. There was one girl at the bar that I thought looked like Denise Richards, and she was by herself sipping a glass of wine. After two quick pints of Swithwicks I went you to her and asked “Are you Jill?” She looked at for second without saying anything. So. I asked again “Is your name Jill?” She put her hands together and mumbled something that I couldn’t make out. She put two fingers out and made a circle with the other hand. It look like the hand gesture for screwing. I thought she was joking around so I did the same thing back to her but faster, that’s when I felt someone grab the back of shirt and pull me. “Are you making fun of my girlfriend you asshole” I turned around to make eye contact with the pissed off boyfriend, my eyes met his chest as he was about a foot taller than me. I looked up the way a scolded child looks up to his pissed off father who just found out the kid has cut school for the last week. I craned my neck as best I could and said “I didn’t know she was your girlfriend” “She’s deaf and you were making fun of her” At this point I questioned her eye sight as well. This cat looked like Frankenstein’s ugly older brother.

I thought maybe the deaf girl tried to break-up with but she can’t talk and he probably can’t read sign language or ever read at all. So she couldn’t communicate with him, so she’s stuck with him, and now he’s about to kick my ass because she’s deaf and he’s dumb and I didn’t know it….

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