Monday, December 18, 2006

Top Ten Things about Being an Elf

10. No barroom drunk ever wants to do an Elf toss
9. When called vertically challenged, you reply “Vertically challenged my ass, I am an Elf biotch!”
8. The residuals from that Will Ferrell movie (no, not ‘Bewitched’)
7. Every night you can a bring a new toy for the wife to try out
6. Can hide your stash in the pointy-ass shoes
5. It beats being “a little person wrestler”
4. Get to fly around the world without being stripped searched by the TSA
3. You can whip out your ‘stocking stuffer’ without being arrested
2. At least once a year Santa lets you handle his sack

And the number one thing about being an Elf….
1. You always have wood

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Dunhill’s Year in Review Christmas Letter

It’s hard to believe that another year has come and gone. What a year 2006 was for the Dunhill family!! We’ve certainly had our share of both highlights and lowlights. As the year started our Tommy was recognized at Jefferson High as an outstanding student. He had two outstanding warrants; drugs and indecent exposure.

Officers physically removed him from 3rd period Biology taking him straight to county lock-up. Since my husband Troy was unemployable due to the "to catch a predator" piece on NBC's Dateline. I had nagging yeast problems; neither of us had jobs so we couldn’t raise the bail money necessary to spring him right away.

We were able to rent Tommy’s mattress to a border to raise enough cash for the bail. The border still owes some rent money, we tried to collect but we couldn’t grab him before he made it back over the border.

Tommy spent all of January and most of February in jail. Prison was an eye-opening experience for him, just not the eye he is used to opening. He sat on a heavily padded donut until July. He spent the rest of the year under house arrest, well really trailer arrest.

In May, Troy and I became proud grandparents when Sue-Ellen gave birth to that little bundle of joy; she named him- Toby-Keith-Tony-Stewart Dunhill. He was named after his father. Sue-Ellen just wanted to make sure she didn’t leave anyone out since she ain’t real sure who the father is exactly, but she narrowed it down as best she could.

He’s cute as button, he’s got Sue-Ellen’s nose and the eyes of one of the possible fathers. She was able to make-up the time she missed at school and graduate on time and even make it to Dean’s list at “Big Dean’s Big Rig College”. Dean said she made his list because of her shifting skills and her ability to work the rest stop. Ever since graduation she’s been haulin’ ass across the tri-state area, we are very proud of her. She may continue her studies down at Big Dean’s for her MBA (Movin’ Boxes Anywhere) and her PhD (Pullin’Heavier Deliveries). Big Dean expects to get his accreditation from the state any day now.

Troy and I baby-sit Toby-Keith-Tony-Stewart while Sue-Ellen is off climbing the big rig ladder. Just the other night the little fella’ whizzed right in Troy’s face while we he was changing him. Troy said it tasted just like ‘Ole Grand Dad’. God rest his soul.

We had a fun summer vacation down at the creek. Who the hell needs Disneyland anyway? Skinny dippin and cat fishin all day, illegal low grade fireworks at night. Troy tried to make it feel like Disneyland for me, Once the kids were asleep he would get all drunked up, strip naked and sing “It’s a Small World After All” outside the tent with his flashlight while toasting marshmallows from a hickory stick wedged in his buttocks.

He is so darned romantic!

Jackson turned nine in September and is the star of his Pop Warner football team. He was a star linebacker, but this year he also plays fullback and made the all-star team at both positions. I still remember at summer practices in August when Coach Everett told Troy he wanted Jackson to “go both ways” this season. Troy punched Coach in the teeth and called him a homo!

Jackson is also the star of his basketball, baseball, and rastlin teams. We really think he is going to make it in professional sports so we don’t think he needs to waste time on things like school. He is being home-schooled, but not by us. We found a good teacher he really likes. Her name is Anita Johnson; she is a pre-op transsexual awaiting a donor transplant. We all really love her; she is like a part of our family. She will teach Jackson until they find a donor, then she’s off to California for the operation. With recovery time and all, we don’t think she will be teaching for awhile. So, basically once she gets a member, it’s like we lose a member of our family and Jackson looses his teacher.

In October, all charges were dismissed against Troy. He went back to work as a pizza maker over at Chuck-E-Cheese. In November, the FDA approved an experimental antibiotic for my yeast problem. My doctor calls it ‘Breadazone’, I’ve been taking it for two months and I haven’t baked any panty muffins since. The only dough Troy gets on his hands these days is from the pizza oven at his job. Tommy is back to making real fart sounds, Sue-Ellen lost her baby weight, she is a trim 197lbs, Jackson no longer has jock itch, and the baby now has three teeth, one more than Grandma Bessie. We are all healthy and happy…finally.

As you see it’s been a busy and exciting 2006 for us Dunhill’s. Here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Kick-Ass Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year!!.





Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Do You Have Enough for All of Us?

Breastfeeding is an essential and beautiful nurturing bond uniquely shared between only mother and child… and should be kept that way at all times. In the last year I’ve witnessed as many bare breasts as the curtain guy working the Victoria Secret runway during Fashion Week. Generally, I’m used to putting in either a whole lot of begging or a whole lot of cash before I get to cast my beady crossed-eyes on an ample set of hogans. When they are just thrown out in front of me on the subway by a complete stranger it’s just not the same. I like to work for my supper!

I still remember being seventeen and getting into my first tittie bar. I was scared to death but it was great. I vividly recall picking up a dollar bill from the bar and all it’s markings: it had an “E” stamped on it: The Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond Virginia, it was a Series 1986 and The Secretary of the Treasury was James A. Baker just in case you didn’t know, and really why should you .

My hand trembled tremendously as the dancer made her way toward me. She put her hands on both sides of her tremendous set; suddenly I was eye to eye with nipples the size of yarmulkes as she clamped her mountains around my shaking sweaty dollar filled hand. The last thing I remember her saying to me through the Marlboro red in a sexy sultry voice was: “Sweetheart, you retarded or just epileptic?” It was just like great phone sex except it was live, my pants weren’t down around my ankles, and it only cost me a dollar.

I’m a big proponent of nutrition for all especially for babies and vitamin D and calcium are two of the most essential nutrients a body should absorb on a daily basis. The issue I have is the time, place, and method used to deliver these nutrients.

Today, you actually have to make an effort NOT to see breasts. Whether it’s in the park, on the beach, in traffic, or at Home Depot, I’ve seen breastfeeding occur in all of those locations. Over at Wegmans, the cans and the milk aren’t necessarily found exclusively in the cans and milk isles anymore. You don’t have to be in the produce isle to take a gander at the melons. Know what I’m sayin’??

Are babies these days just too hungry that they can’t wait until mommy finds a rest room? Are today’s women just less inhibited about when and where to whip out there set? Whatever the answer is, do us a favor and be more discrete with your milk delivery. You are teasing the rest of us weak minded guys out there and the lucky feeding infant doesn’t understand when I say “Hey chief, I can’t see the half rack, you want to move your head to the left a little”. To keep the kid from screaming, please just give him a pacifier until you are out of our view.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Thumbnails of Holiday Movie Releases

Apocalypto- Mel Gibson's ancient Mayan adventure. In limited release, limited to everywhere outside of Israel.

Black Christmas- Sorority sisters are hunted for the holidays. That’s sucks to be hunted and all, but I just want to know if they are naked.

Blood Diamond- Leonardo DiCaprio is an African jewel smuggler or Neil Diamond's attempted initiation into an infamous LA street gang

Eragon-A year in the life of Senator Ted Kennedy, title is derived from Kennedy’s catch phrase to bar patrons as happy hour ends

The Good Shepherd- With Angelina Jolie and Matt Damon. You know Damon got oral in the trailer at some point…. from Affleck.

The Holiday- Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet switch houses and find love…please God let it be with each other.

The Nativity Story - The birth of Jesus from Mary's point-of-view. The girl who played the virgin Mary is pregnant in real life….I hate when that happens.

Night at the Museum- History comes to life and attacks Ben Stiller. I liked it better eleven years ago when it was called Jumanji.

The Pursuit of Happyness - Starring Will Smith and son. It’ exactly like “Good Will Smith Hunting” but darker.

Turistas -Americans tourists learn they're not welcome in a foreign land. Just the opposite of illegal immigrants in America.

Unaccompanied Minors -Six kids alone in an airport. Michael Jackson reportedly paid six million dollars for an advanced screening.

Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj- Kal Penn's back in school. They had to prove they could make a movie that sucked worse than the first Van Wilder. Mission accomplished.

Rocky Balboa -Sylvester Stallone is the Italian Stallion once again, out of retirement for one last fight….with arthritis and a disputed Medicare bill

Dreamgirls- A musical about a soul trio starring Beyonce Knowles, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Foxx.. Clay Aiken has no interest in seeing it, but Rosie does.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Jesus is the Reason I Shop Online All Season

‘Tis the season to be jolly; fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-FA-QU!!

It’s anything but jolly. The holiday season tends to change decent normal people turn into grotesque hideous characters. The blame here falls squarley on the shoulders of Holiday Stress Syndrome (H.S.S.). H.S.S. is a potentialyl fatal cocktail composed of equal parts shopping stress, maxed-out credit cards, not enough time to get it done, and awful driving habits.

How else can I explain the knee to the balls I took from what seemed to be a nice elderly lady I cut in front of to grab the last package of icicle lights off the Wal-Mart shelf? Arthritis my ass!! Her fast-twitch muscle fiber is real impressive for an octogenarian, or a starting NFL receiver for that matter. You don’t even want to know what she did with the cane.

As I lay wincing in the fetal position on the sticky foul smelling Wal-Mart floor that oddly tasted like Lime Diet Pepsi and Cheese Doodles she hurled a stream of expletives at me in a hip-hop staccato that would make Snoop-Dog want to produce her debut release. Those new icicle lights should sparkle real nicely at her convent. .

Between laughs I heard one of the pimple-faced temporary Wal-Marters ask “Duude, you alright?” Now completely cross-eyed and clutching my own Santa sack while taking a testicular inventory I weakly countered, “Do I look alright?” As Clearasil helped me up from the floor he enthusiastically said; “Sister Santiago straight-up whooped your ass!!” The only near plausible comeback I could offer was; “The bitch caught me when I wasn’t looking”. He chuckled and said; “Whatever dude.”

I recovered after hot tea and a cold compress courtesy of the Wal-Mart cafeteria. Those lunch counter ladies really know how to maneuver the compress with just the right amount of pressure, and to do it without hands, well, that just blew me away. But when the heaviest one with the eye patch and single latex glove offered to take my temperature I knew it was time to jet.

As I walked to my car I was encircled by a pack of slow moving cars. I suddenly felt like the starter pistol guy at Daytona. You would have thought my soon to be vacated parking spot sat above undiscovered oil the way everyone jockeyed for position.

At this point I like to play a fun little game I call “Which car is mine??” I excite all the stalkers waiting for a spot by walking to the car in the best possible parking spot, other than the handicapped spots that is. Just as I’m about to put my key in the lock I have an epiphany and realize this is not my car. Because I’m a Grade A jerkoff I do this approximately three more times or until someone yells; “Hey you stupid muthafucka find your goddamned car in the next ten seconds or I will shoot your sorry-ass” whichever comes first.

I haven’t done any significant research in the area but I firmly believe most road rage occurs in the month of December with cars traveling at blinding Autobahn speeds of about 5mph. Since it occurs in mall parking lots I’m not sure it can even be classified as road rage. It’s more like “lot rage” caused by H.S.S.

So what does it all mean? How can we change it?

I’m glad I asked. The simple answer is twofold. First, avoid driving to any stores during December. If you need to venture out to the stores, start your Christmas shopping on November 1st. Make sure all your shopping is done by Thanksgiving. You will be amazed how much easier it is to park and shop by simply doing it all November.

The second answer is one I followed for the last three years. SHOP ONLINE. It’s great --no lines, no idiots bumping into you, no obnoxious counter people, and last but not least…no sales tax!!

It’s not necessary for you to get gang-raped while standing in line at 3:00 a.m. at Best Buy so you can buy little Johnny that Play Station 3. Just order it online, and you won’t have to go the precinct to view mug shots. Unless, you are into that?

I haven’t set foot in a mall in years and I don’t plan to anytime soon. You have a better chance of seeing either Michael Richards sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the NBA all-star game, or Mel Gibson on vacation in Tel-Aviv, than you have of seeing my car in the mall parking lot.