Sunday, November 29, 2009

Hole in One?

Tiger: I swear to God I was just teaching her the game of golf, but nothing physical happened!

Wife: I need you to answer this one question: Did she handle your driver?

Tiger: Hmm, can you excuse me for a minute? I’ll be right back I have to play this next shot into the fire hydrant and then into the biggest tree in the front of our house. If things work out I'll be a four handicap when I am finished

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Third Party System

"Keep this quiet but I have no business being here in the White House. No credentials, no real political experience to speak of, I am just crashing this Democratic party, haha !
That’s so funny because it’s the same deal for my wife and I ”

Thursday, November 26, 2009

When I say jump.....

Stedman: Oprah is it true you're retiring after next year?
Oprah: YES. I announced it on MY SHOW! Weren't you watching that day??
Stedman: Umm..sorry, but no dear. I was dusting the house like you told me to do.
Oprah: You missed MY SHOW? That's it. You're grounded for two weeks and no allowance!
Stedman: I deserve it. But what I am going to do once you retire?
Oprah: Same thing you do right now, which is everything I say and even more of it and I'll be around more often to make sure you don't screw up!

Stedman: I love you pookie bear!
Oprah: Rub my bunions...NOW!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Moon, Gone Soon!

Hello all – My name is Robert Pattinson and my movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon has had the third-biggest opening weekend in film history grossing $140.7 million during its first weekend in theaters in the U.S. alone.
Yeah I know I don’t get it either; Vampires?? Bollocks! The heartthrob thing is quite puzzling as well. Christ, I am average looking bloke with funny eyes and a constant uni-brow should I miss a day of shaving. And If I was any paler, I would be invisible, but all the birds still fancy me.
Go figure?

Oh yeah one more thing I almost forgot to mention my agent worked out a percentage of the box office gross as my salary, so please see this steaming pile of dung more than once if you haven’t already.

So, have fun at your 9-5 tomorrow that is if you even have a job given the economy and all. You may or may not see me again, I mean I don’t really have to work again if I don’t want to.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Running Through My Mind

I'd love to see her run my neighborhood....just not my country