Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Dreaded Company Christmas Party

If you attend the company Christmas party this season try to accomplish the following: Try to stay sober enough not lose your job and/or hearing about making a total ass out of yourself from 9-5 Monday- Friday for the foreseeable future, or until they mercifully outsource your job to a low cost region.

Many promising young careers at major companies have been prematurely halted courtesy of Jagermeister. Why do you think there are so many bloggers? Sure, it seemed harmless at the time to ask your VP’s wife if she was just “thonging it” tonight or going commando, but when you went under the hood for a look-see it was clear to everyone the line had been crossed, everyone but you that is.

Eat, drink and be merry, but in moderation. If you do overdo it, you may become this year’s office party casualty. You will become the guy co-workers are unable to walk past without snickering or whispering to each other. No, you’re not paranoid, they are still laughing about the 2003 Christmas party here in July of ‘06.

With the lethal mix of a festive mood, free unlimited booze, great food, and female co-workers looking hotter than ever, it’s difficult to be on your best behavior. It’s a real challenge not to get all liquored up.

But you really have to make that effort..

Please keep calm when the three hottest single women from the office all shoot your inebriated-ass down for dances. Try not to reach for the low hanging Christmas fruit by drunkenly shouting “HO, HO, HO”. Just bow your head in shame and gracefully stagger back to your table refraining from the verbal altercation. And try not to body slam any of the wait staff on the way back to said table.

Avoid calling your left leg “Christmas” and right leg “New Years” then telling every woman on the dance floor to “Come see me between the holidays”. It just comes off as a tad obnoxious.

Stay away from both mistletoe and eggnog at all times. They will cause you many headaches.

And if you are decide to get all shit-faced have the common sense to take a few people from the office down with you so as to cushion the blow for yourself. Who knows? You mooning your whole department may not have been the worse thing that happened that night if the co-workers you drank with are bigger lightweights than you. As a rule of thumb, never do shots alone.

See, normally you hate Meredith; the know it all CPA. She is a total bitch to you and everyone else, but tonight you were smart enough to make nice for Christmas and ask her to pounds beers and chase shots with you. Your kindest paid off. I guess they are right when they say it’s better to give than receive….

“Sure, we all saw your hairy hemorrhoid laden-ass but that was nothing. But when Meredith from Accounts Payable danced on the bar and pulled her double-D’s out , that was freaking unbelievable!!” “They were awesome!” “I love working here, I want to be full-time!!!”

You were drunk and stupid, but she was drunker and more stupid. Nobody remembers you now after Meredith pulled out her emersons. It’s like the governor called and granted your very own stay of execution.

I’ve seen it all at the office Christmas party, like the year when my ex-boss was doing his Al Pacino ‘Scarface’ impression. He was holding court in the middle of a circle of co-workers both men and women, pants at ankles barking in his best Cuban accent (which sounded Russian) “Say hello to my little friend”. Luckily for me, I was far enough away so as not to witness the train wreck. From what some of the women in the office told me later he should have said “Say hello to my very, very little friend”

Sure, sleeping with the bosses wife, insulting your director, and passing out underneath the table are all things that can be real fun, but there is a time and place for everything. Just don’t be stupid enough to do any of these things at your company’s holiday party and you will be just fine.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Late November News to Abuse

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock headed for Divorce Court The high profile pair married less than four months ago. Kid Rock filed papers after coming to the harsh realization that “Hepatitis C” is not a multi-vitamin.

Jesse Jackson and Others Seek N-Word Ban in Entertainment
The Rev. Jesse Jackson will meet with TV and film executives to discuss banning the use of the N-word in the entertainment industry. When asked to comment one executive at BET pronounced “That n***** is out of his damned mind if think that’s ever going to happen!”

Pope Benedict XVI arrives in Turkey
Pope Benedict arrived in Turkey on his first visit to the Muslim country. Upon his arrival at the airport he quickly endeared himself to the natives by stating “I love all towelheads”

Comedian Tracy Morgan arrested for drunk driving
Comic actor Tracy Morgan, star of the television show “30 Rock” was arrested for drunk driving early on Tuesday. When asked for a comment an apparently still drunk Morgan said; “It could have been worse, at least they didn’t search my crack for crack”

Britney: “Paris is my Idol”
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are quickly becoming the best of friends. Britney was quoted as saying “I really missed having someone in my life that does nothing but party and has no real talent, since I kicked Kevin to the curb and all.”

Dallas Cowboys cut kicker Vanderjagt
Bill Parcells finally had it with kicker Mike Vanderjagt; who was just 13 of 18 on field goals this year. After being informed of his release a pissed off Vanderjagt attempted to kick a Gatorade bucket through the locker room door but missed wide right.

PETA names Nicole Ritchie worst-dressed Celebrity
PETA may issue a retraction after realizing what they thought was a dead garter snake around her neck was actually just her neck.

Matt Lauer’s Wife gives birth to third child
The baby boy named after his father; was born in NYC on Tuesday 9:37AM weighed in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Baby Roker and mom are both said to be doing well.

A Pedophile Exposed on ‘Desperate Housewives’
The women of Wisteria Lane suspect their new neighbor maybe a pedophile. By the way this was Michael Jackson’s first TV appearance in primetime since the Martin Brashear interview.

Kerry Ranks last in likeability poll for politicians
Sen. John Kerry mulling a second bid for the presidency finished dead last in a poll on the likeability of 20 top American political figures, just below Mark Foley and Jim McGreevey.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Ten things I’m thankful for….

  1. Not seeing OJ Simpson getting a chance to wield another Sharpie, this time at his book signing.

  2. Suzanne Sommers years of clinical research on hormones.

  3. Clay Aiken not washing his hand before it covered Kelly Ripa’s mouth.

  4. I’m not in Mark Foley’s IM address book.

  5. The Kevin Federline CD contains no bonus tracks.

  6. Rosie O’Donnell likes only women.

  7. Tom Cruise knowing the history of Psychology.

  8. Keanu Reeves still not being nominated for an Oscar.

  9. Deal or No Deal.

  10. Not being Wesley Snipes accountant.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Kramer is Not Even as Wacky as Michael Richards

Michael Richards will appear on ‘The Late Show’ with David Letterman to apologize for going all Daniel Carver on some black hecklers at ‘The Laugh Factor’ in LA. I don’t know about you but I’m not sure Richards will reach the aggrieved party on the Letterman show. Dave and his audience are whiter than January in North Dakota. Al Roker, both of the Gumbel brothers, and Steve Urkel say all is forgiven Kramer!

If he really wants to make amends he should don a bullet proof vest and apologize on the ‘BET Hip Hop Awards’ . He should also wear a new pair of inline skates and a motorcycle helmet so as to try to avoid the inevitable beating:

Hi everyone my name is Michael Richards and what I said the other night was racist, hateful, and downright ludicrous. Now I would like to award the album of the year to Ludicrous….Peace I’m out”.

Then skate like a MOFO out of there.

When will the celebrity crowd catch up with the rest of us in corporate America and realize you never talk about race…period? Corporations routinely send its employees to diversity classes or sexual harassment classes. The classes are not intended as a means of discipline, but rather a means to prevent employees from crossing the acceptable boundaries of race and or sexual conversation or behavior.

Richards is a knucklehead and should have known better. But the bigger question is “Why the hell is this guy doing standup in the first place?” He is fifty-seven years old, stand-up comedy is for the struggling young guy trying to get on a sitcom, not the old rich guy who starred on one of the most successful sitcoms in history.

Did Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David bounce one of his residual checks?

Maybe his next gig can be an open mic night over at Mel Gibson’s Malibu Chuckle Hut.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hasta la vista, BABY

He’s back for another four years. Just a few short months ago many thought Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the Governator was about left on the editing room floor. But, Arnold like many of his movie characters ain’t going out like that. Going into Election Day he held a sixteen point lead over his challenger; Phil Angelides and he will coast to an easy victory.

Champagne for the campaign. Quick somebody find Uncle Ted a ride home from the victory celebration.

This race wasn’t nearly as fun as his first time. Do you remember the cast of characters? Let me refresh your memory: Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt, Porn star Mary Carey.

There was more mangled English during that Huffington – Schwarzenegger debate than during the whole Revolutionary War. I think I remember the LA Times asking Gary Coleman what separates him from the other candidates; he said he is the only candidate not tall enough to ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Gary Coleman needed a step stool just to stuff the ballot box.

Do you remember the great exchange between Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt? Gary bragged about how he personally responsible for years of ‘Different Strokes’, Flynt shot back “Hell, I’m responsible for years of solo strokes!” It was priceless stuff.

Who could forget Mary Carey and her insightful answers to such hard hitting questions like “What is your position on abortion?” Her careful response if I remember correctly was “Which time?”

Arnold trounced the other wannabes without too much trouble and then took down Grey Davis after that to become a foreign born Governor in a state where nearly everyone is foreign born… Only in America.

The first time around Arnold was a Conservative Republican in the mold of President Bush. This time around he has morphed into a Democrat. He is Al Gore on steroids. He’s passed legislation enacting strict standards for alternative energy, pollution and greenhouse-gas emissions. He supports gay marriage, stem-cell research, gun control, the minimum wage and health care.

He is the jolly green giant for Pete's sake. When he is asked about President Bush his responses make him sound more like ‘Borat’ than a Reagan Conservative. On ‘The Tonight Show’ he dropped the following knowledge on America “'To link me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar,', it’s ridiculous.” He also bailed from the capital when the President came to offer support. I guess he really is ‘The Running Man’.

What a difference a year makes. During his last brush with California voters is 2005 his four referenda questions were bitched slapped from San Diego to San Francisco. I just hope a grateful Arnie doesn't pull a Sally Field "You like me, you really like me!" and if he does I hope it's in closed captioning so we all can laugh at it.

No matter how he did it, you have to give him props. He is truly a politician in every sense of the word. He is up on the all the issues and both parties apparently like him.

He’s come along way in three short years. It seems like yesterday when the press asked what he thought about fetal stem cells, he said he hasn’t made up his mind, but if they could add size to his triceps he’d try them.