Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Psychic Predictions For 2006

Bono from U2, fresh from saving the third world from having to pay it’s debt, will max out a Discover, three Visas, two MasterCard, a Sears, and a Bed, Bath, and Beyond charge card before filing for personal bankruptcy.

In February, the Sixers will nearly solve their attendance problem with an almost full-house during free admission night.

Newlyweds Elton John and David Furnish honeymoon sexcacapes which included a vertically-challenged roadie named "Bobo" will be leaked to the public in a DVD entitled “Two and a Half Men Gone Wild”.

When ask what he thinks about the Patriot Act, President Bush will respond by saying he thinks “Tom Brady and the rest of ‘dem Patriots O-Line are terrific actors in ‘dat dare Visa ad.”

As a midseason replacement NBC will create a spin-off show for it’s Thursday night lineup; an ex-NFL star goes across the country trying to right all of his previous wrongs in an attempt to create positive karma, the title ‘My Name is Terrell’.

During the summer, ex-Eagle quarterback Mike McMahon will meet a newly divorced Jessica Simpson in a N.Y. nightclub. When he makes a pass it is picked off by a smitten Clay Aiken.

True to his Scientology beliefs, Tom Cruise will force Katie Holmes to give birth without medication. Six weeks later a fully recovered Katie will drop-kick Tom squarely in the nuts.

Michael Jackson will be given a Lifetime Achievement award by the Archdiocese of Philadelphia and lifetime ban from Big Brothers of America in the same week.

In a stunning decision, Pennsylvania will award one of its two state licenses for casinos in Philadelphia to a group headed by Pete Rose. Later in the year, the second license is awarded to a group headed by Pete Rose Jr.

With America’s fascination with poker waning, BRAVO will cancel ‘Celebrity Poker Showdown’ in favor of ‘Celebrity Naked Twister’ hosted by Rosie O’Donnell.

Claiming to be sick of married life and motherhood, Britney Spears will refuse to wipe drool, pick up half filled bottles, and change poopy diapers. She will also have some issues with baby Sean Preston.

Andy Reid, T.O., and Donovan will be the last three remaining contestants in the inaugural competitive eating contest known as ‘Soup Bowl’. In the last two minutes Andy will mismanage his consumption; Donovan will blow Chunky chunks, and TO will be declared the winner.

A new ESPN reality show featuring a penniless OJ Simpson as a ski instructor in the Poconos will premiere entitled “Brokeback Mountain”

Due to lack of ratings, WYSP will replace David Lee Roth with Sammy Haggar in June, and then Sammy will be replaced by former Extreme lead singer Gary Cherone in October.

In June, the Flyers will win a thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals; which unfortunately is missed by most of the Delaware Valley because they are still trying to find the Outdoor Life Network.

In July, Barry Bonds; steroid free and resembling Chris Rock will return to the San Francisco Giants lineup. He will finish the season with a measly 3 homers, 6 RBIs, no stolen bases, and 5 sold out weeks at the Mirage in Vegas.

In August, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones will be injured during rough sex. Catherine suffers a concussion from the headboard; Michael breaks his hip after falling from a ladder as he watches through their bedroom window.

In September, Camilla Parker Bowles will file for divorce from Prince Charles and promptly throw her wedding ring into the water closet. The act known as ‘The Royal Flush’ is splashed across the front pages of the British tabloids.

After failing to win the World Series yet again with the highest payroll in all of sports, NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner will ask Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig if he can “just lease the damned trophy for a couple of years”.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Top Ten Things About Being An Elf

10. No barroom drunk ever wants to do an Elf toss
9. When called vertically challenged, you reply “Vertically challenged my ass, I am an Elf bitch!”
8. The residuals from the Will Ferrell movie (no, not ‘Bewitched’)
7. Every night you can a bring a new toy for the wife to try out
6. Can hide your stash in the pointy-ass shoes
5. It beats being “a little person wrestler”
4. Get to fly around the world without being stripped searched by the TSA
3. You can whip out your ‘stocking stuffer’ without being arrested
2. At least once a year Santa lets you handle his sack

And the number one thing about being an Elf….
1. You always have wood

Monday, December 19, 2005

Giving Blood

Did you ever notice the list of questions they asked when you give blood. You need a lawyer to get through this questionnaire.
• Have you ever given yourself a non-prescription drug by needle even once
• Have you ever spent more than three months in Europe and if so at which point did you contract gonerehea
• In the last 10 years have you had sex for money or drugs (I’m married do the math)
• Have you had sex with another man since 1983 ( It was Tijuana, I thought he was a chick)

What am I applying for sainthood? Leave my social life out of this?? I’m just trying to give a little blood here!!!

Bathroom at a House Party

My name is Will and my son’s name is Eddie, he is 4. We were at a friend’s house for a party. I take Eddie into the bathroom to take a leak, and when we get out there is a line of people outside the door waiting to use the bathroom. One of the guys looks down at my son and says “Good job Will” “Way to Go” I look at the guy and say his name is Eddie, but “Thanks for the compliment”. “If you think I’m good at pissing you should see me push out a turtle's head”.

Selling My House

My wife and I were trying to sell our house by ourselves. We'd have people show up at the house at all different hours of day and night. This one guy asks if we accept section 8. I said I don’t care if you were thrown out of the military or not, as long as you can get a mortgage!

We had this one creep who kept asking about kids. Do I have any kids, do I have nephews, are there lots of kids in the neighborhood. Are you close to a preschool? I said listen Michael Jackson you might want to look somewhere else, because there is no way I am selling you this house. Maybe you can rent out the Playland over at McDonalds. He said “But I am pre-qualified”. I said “For what Meagan’s Law??”