Thursday, August 30, 2007

Analyzing Republican Senator Craig

Conservative Senator Larry Craig was arrested at a Minnesota airport in June after he allegedly appeared to be attempting to engage in gay acts in the bathroom. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge. He is in big time denial, as this excerpted speech indicates. I will analyze, okay bad choice of words, I mean I will critique his speech...
SENATOR CRAIG: Thank you all very much for coming out today. (the only one coming out should be you) I will read a statement. (oh boy here we go)

First, please let me apologize to my family, friends and staff and fellow Idahoans for the cloud placed over Idaho. (looking for sex in a men’s room? Idaho?. No, you da ho’)
I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. (except for getting arrested) I did nothing wrong, (keep telling yourself this) and I regret the decision to plead guilty and the sadness that decision has brought on my wife, my family, friends, staff and fellow Idahoans. And for that, I apologize.

In June, I overreacted and made a poor decision. (ya think?) While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else, I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in hopes of making it go away. (I guess you could say you wanted to put it all behind you.. so to speak?), I did not seek any counsel either from an attorney, staff, friends or family. (you want to quit mentioning your staff, that’s what go you in this mess in the first place) That was a mistake and I deeply regret it.

Because of that, I have now retained counsel, and I am asking counsel to review this matter and to advise me on how to proceed. (sounds like you are not going to take this lying down, bent over maybe?)

For a moment, I want to put my state of mind into context on June 11th. (horny, very horny)
For eight months leading up to June 11th my family and I had been relentlessly and viciously harassed by the Idaho Statesman. (is the Idaho Statesman like one of the Village People?) If you saw the article today, you know why.

Let me be clear: I am not gay. I never have been gay. (Let me be queer. I am gay. I’ve always been gay.)

In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis because of the stress the Idaho Statesman investigation and the rumors it has fueled all around Idaho. Again, that overreaction was a mistake and I apologize for my judgment.Furthermore, I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and I should have told my family and my friends about it. (Friends, family gather round, sure bring the kids, I got this cute little story about a men’s room, it’s really, really funny…)

I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have anyway, because I am not gay. (but my boyfriend is) Next month, I will announce, as planned, as many of you have already been told, whether or not I will seek reelection. (not a chance he runs)

As an elected official, I fully realize that my life is open for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for a lapse in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself. (a lapse in judgment is missing a Senate meeting to golf, or taking a kickback from a constituent or two, looking for sex in a men’s room isn’t a lapse of judgment unless of course you didn’t bring a condom)

Friday, August 03, 2007

Letter to Employees at Cliché Inc.

Although the quarterly profits are down I see the glass as half-full. I can clearly see the forest through the trees. Remember each of you has a responsibility to be at the top of your game at all times. I expect employees to give 110% 24/7 because competition is fierce and it’s a dog-eat-dog world and money never sleeps.

I lead by example and actions speak louder than words. We all have to tighten our belts and cut expenses. So, we have decided to reduce the workforce by 10%. I not only talk the talk I walk the walk. Therefore I’ve decided to give myself a 10% decrease in pay this month. The affected employees will be notified in two weeks. There are no sacred cows here. Believe me when I tell you this hurts me as much as it hurts you. We will do everything humanly possible to help those affected by the reduction.

Tough times don’t last, tough people do. We have to keep our eyes on the ball and our heads in the game. Remember it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Of course, I understand you all are working like dogs, so Thank God it’s Friday (TGIF). I hope you get some rest and relaxation (R&R) this weekend. Come Monday I expect you all to hit the ground running. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life and the early bird gets the worm.

I look forward to seeing all of you at the meeting next Wednesday morning for all employees and I expect you will be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I will answer all questions to the best of my ability. You can ask anything you wish; no holds barred. Remember there is no such thing as a stupid question. If you don’t feel comfortable asking your question in front of others, we can meet afterward and I will take your question offline.

Always remember I think of you as family…not immediate family, but more like third cousins once removed.

Best Regards,
Hugh R. Dunn

CEO Cliché Inc

A Bad Job Interview

Interviewer: What makes you think you are qualified to do this job?
Candidate: I’m great with animals I have many pets myself

Interviewer: You know this is an accounting job right?
Candidate: You didn’t let me finish. I am great with animals but even better with Microsoft Excel.

What are your salary requirements?
Candidate: I prefer US currency, and I would like to get paid weekly. Not “weakly” meaning “this is a joke right??” weekly meaning once a week.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Candidate: Brilliant, Wealthy, Handsome, Well-hung, Superior athletic ability and last but not least extremely modest

Interviewer: At what point did you choose this career?
Candidate: As soon as I saw the job opening at

Interviewer: What specific goals have you established for your career?
Candidate: I have two career goals ; I hope never to be caught sleeping, and try to make it home each day before rush hour

Interviewer: How has your college experience prepared you for a business career?
Candidate: I learned supply and demand early on. When you are the only dude in the dorm with weed the supply is low, but the demand is very high, and you can sell it for an ass-load of cash

Interviewer: What were your reasons for selecting your college or university?
Candidate: First reason- no SAT’s required. Second- Warm weather

Interviewer: If you could do so, how would you plan your college career differently?
Candidate: I would have taken longer than six years to finish

Interviewer: Would you describe yourself as goal driven?
Candidate: Define goal driven

Interviewer: Do you have a geographic preference?
Candidate: Either girl on top or doggy style depends on the day

Interviewer: What do you think it takes to be successful in this career?
Candidate: The ability to kiss as much of the right ass as possible

Interviewer: Tell me about a major problem you recently handled. Were you successful in resolving it?
Candidate: I hooked up with this wild chick at the bar, she took me home, her husband came home while we were up in the bedroom, I jumped out a second story window into a bush and got away…problem resolved.

Interviewer: What kind of supervisor do you work best for? Provide examples
Candidate: I like a hands-off supervisor, the kind that will never bug me. Examples would be a boss that takes a lot of vacation, or the occasional leave of absence.

Interviewer: Okay, thanks for coming in today.
Candidate: When do I start?

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Professional Statements Taken out of Context

Dentist- “She has the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across”

Taxi Driver- “I can fit three in my back seat comfortably”

Lawyer- “I’d like to debrief all of you before the trial”

College Professor- “Who would like to practice their oral presentation with me?”

Carpenter- “The next time you see me I promise I’ll have wood”

Jeweler- “I’m holding both of your stones in my hand right now”

Chef- “It isn’t done until I top it off with my special sauce”

Woman selling shoes- “Open the box, and then grab this pair, if the fit is snug wiggle the tongue a little”

Hairdresser- “If I apply enough gel I can get it to stand straight up”

Cashier at Candy Store- “Would you like me to pack your fudge first?”

Chiropractor- “The best way to cure a back spasm is to rub one out”