Analyzing Republican Senator Craig

Conservative Senator Larry Craig was arrested at a Minnesota airport in June after he allegedly appeared to be attempting to engage in gay acts in the bathroom. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge. He is in big time denial, as this excerpted speech indicates. I will analyze, okay bad choice of words, I mean I will critique his speech...

SENATOR CRAIG: Thank you all very much for coming out today. (the only one coming out should be you) I will read a statement. (oh boy here we go)

First, please let me apologize to my family, friends and staff and fellow Idahoans for the cloud placed over Idaho. (looking for sex in a men’s room? Idaho?. No, you da ho’)
I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. (except for getting arrested) I did nothing wrong, (keep telling yourself this) and I regret the decision to plead guilty and the sadness that decision has brought on my wife, my family, friends, staff and fellow Idahoans. And for that, I apologize.

In June, I overreacted and made a poor decision. (ya think?) While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else, I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in hopes of making it go away. (I guess you could say you wanted to put it all behind you.. so to speak?), I did not seek any counsel either from an attorney, staff, friends or family. (you want to quit mentioning your staff, that’s what go you in this mess in the first place) That was a mistake and I deeply regret it.

Because of that, I have now retained counsel, and I am asking counsel to review this matter and to advise me on how to proceed. (sounds like you are not going to take this lying down, bent over maybe?)

For a moment, I want to put my state of mind into context on June 11th. (horny, very horny)
For eight months leading up to June 11th my family and I had been relentlessly and viciously harassed by the Idaho Statesman. (is the Idaho Statesman like one of the Village People?) If you saw the article today, you know why.

Let me be clear: I am not gay. I never have been gay. (Let me be queer. I am gay. I’ve always been gay.)

In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis because of the stress the Idaho Statesman investigation and the rumors it has fueled all around Idaho. Again, that overreaction was a mistake and I apologize for my judgment.Furthermore, I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and I should have told my family and my friends about it. (Friends, family gather round, sure bring the kids, I got this cute little story about a men’s room, it’s really, really funny…)

I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have anyway, because I am not gay. (but my boyfriend is) Next month, I will announce, as planned, as many of you have already been told, whether or not I will seek reelection. (not a chance he runs)

As an elected official, I fully realize that my life is open for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for a lapse in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself. (a lapse in judgment is missing a Senate meeting to golf, or taking a kickback from a constituent or two, looking for sex in a men’s room isn’t a lapse of judgment unless of course you didn’t bring a condom)