Friday, June 29, 2007

iPhone uPhone hePhone shePhone

There is a segment of our population who by nature need to be first. This explains the opening weekend phenomenon of movies. The box office is never greater after that initial weekend due to the impetuous nature of those who need to be first. We either go opening weekend or just wait for the DVD, if we can’t be first we somehow feel slighted and don't go at all.

Same goes for people sleeping out for concert tickets, or sleeping outside the electronic store for the latest game cube, or the rush of shoppers on Black Friday. Businesses thrive on these types of consumers since they provide a free marketing buzz about the desired objects. Nothing draws a crowd like a crowd

This man-made marketing buzz leads others to ask “What am I missing here?”

To which the answer is NOTHING.

If you wish to be foolish enough to pay anywhere from $500-$600 dollars for a phone and wait in line to do so, be my guest. No question about it the iPhone is a great mobile device. You can download, play, and store movies, and music, take photos, email, IM, surf the web, and yes even make phone calls. But for $600 dollars it should have a built-in blowjob feature.

Good luck with the whole movie storage part. The iPhone only offers 4GB and 8GB of hard disk space, that won’t get to the closing credits for one than one full length movie. I’ve got more storage in my attic and I don’t even have an attic.

Another downside of the iPhone is your service provider; AT&T (Awful Technology and Telephony). I had AT&T wireless service once, only once. I had better wireless communication from my Walkie-Talkie as a child than I did with their service. My conversations got dropped more times than the next guest due to follow Julia Roberts on Late Show with David Letterman.

When you buy the iPhone you also have to agree to a two year contract or if you get sick of the phone or the service (which you will) you have to pay a $175 termination fee. Isn’t that nice? You will pay more in termination fees that you will for your replacement phone.

Between the price of the phone and the termination fees I guess we are going to see much more of those goofy Apple commercials with that plump Bill Gates wannabe and the slacker in the hoodie in the next few years. Just keep that in mind before you plunk down any more cash toward Steve Jobs.

The iPod is one thing, we all have them and yes it may be the single greatest invention in the last fifteen years or so. There was an itch that needed to be scratched and major props to Apple for scratching it. But do you really need the iPhone or do you just want to be the first person you know to get one? We all have cellphones and some of us have Blackberries, and they work fine.

Is anyone losing sleep because they can’t watch Titanic on their Blackberry?? If so, they need to take a cruise and go overboard in the middle of the night.

If you really want an iPhone try to be patient and wait about two years. The price will come down 75%, the storage will jump by a factor of ten, Apple will partner with a more reliable service provider, and for once in your life you‘ll glad not to be first.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

It Safer To Butter Your Own Popcorn at Home

Here are my thumbnail sketches of 2007 summer movies I either haven’t seen or won’t see when released. I’ll wait for DVD for some, as for the others I wouldn’t watch if a gun was held to my head or Rosie threatened to smother me with her massive alabaster bare ass...

Evan Almighty- One of the most expensive flops ever made, they aren’t getting any of my money to help to pull it out of debt

Knocked Up- An ugly fat guy with no money gets a hottie pregnant….I love science fiction movies

1408- I wouldn’t watch this movie for it's name alone. How about working in an actual word or two into the title?

License to Wed- Robin Williams runs around like a spastic douche-bag for ninety minutes, but this time as a minister. So, he is a holy spastic douche-bag

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- Jessica Alba and her pair are the fantastic two

Ocean’s Thirteen- No, not again! I hope the next movie is called; Ocean’s Tidal Wave: Cooney, Pitt, and Damon Lost at Sea

Pirates of the Carribean:At World’s End- Maybe Johnny Depp and his crew can pillage the Ocean’s Thirteen gang and we're all better off in the long run

Shrek the Third- Is this the only way Mike Myers can get work these days?

Nancy Drew- This movie stars Julia Robert’s sixteen year old nice. Call me when she’s eighteen for the sequel Nancy Drew Gone Wild

Mr. Brooks- Stars Kevin Costner, it’s just like Field of Dreams except he kills everybody

You Kill Me- In addition to killing me, you stole $10 from me at the box office and took two hours I’ll never get back

Good Luck Chuck- Stars Dane Cook and Jessica Alba. I hope this story actually has an ending unlike any of Dane Cook’s jokes

Rush Hour 3- Quick ironic story here; I got stuck in traffic rushing to the theaters for this one

Ratatouille- I hope this sequel is better than the first one; Rataoneie

Live Free or Die Hard- The “die hard” refers to the last three functioning hair follicles on Bruce Willis’ head and his struggle to keep them alive

Hairspray- John Travolta in drag in a fat suit. I ask you why?

The Simpson’s Movie- No better way to kill a great TV show than to turn it into a movie

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- Quick!! All you fourteen-year old geeks put down the Vaseline, stop wanking it for one night and rush to your nearest theaters

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Plastic Surgery Scale

SCALE 0-10:
0- Nothing done, that face is all natural every wrinkle tells a story
1- A smidgen of Botox
2- A little Botox a little Collagen
3- A little more Botox a little more Collagen, a slight nip
4- Too much botox, too much Collagen, a big nip and tuck
5- Facial skin start to resemble an over inflated balloon
6- Unable to feign surprise, disappointment, excitement or any other facial expression
7- You appear to be a ventriloquist because your lips don’t move when you speak
8- Like a drunk at the bar cut-off by the bartender, your surgeon no longer returns your calls
9- Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers think you’ve gone way too far
10-During a visit to London Madame Tussauds kidnaps YOU for their new featured showpiece

Monday, June 11, 2007

Learning to Surf

It’s not like surfing is something that I felt was missing from my arsenal of hobbies. I’m not the best swimmer, I don’t particularly like the beach, and I hate the Beach Boys. So, I can’t explain why I wanted to learn how to surf. Maybe it was all those cool Wide World of Sports shows when I was a kid. They would always have the surfer dude holding the winning trophy explaining how he survived the most narliest of waves. He would be surrounded by a gorgeous Hawaiian babe with a set of huge ripe pineapples and a nice set of tits too.

Initially, I thought how dangerous could it be? You just stand on a board with water underneath it. It will move or sway a bit from side to side, but it's not a big deal. I have good balance most times, when sober. It can’t be dangerous like playing football. Football is violent; you have collisions with 300lb goons running full speed toward you. Surfing doesn’t have 300lb goons. It’s just you and Mother Nature. Yes, it’s true that when Mother Nature is on the rag she can make a 300lb football goon look as passive as Paris Hilton entering the prison shower, but I still didn’t think it would difficult to learn, especially since it was a sunny relatively wind free day when I attempted.

A friend of mine lent me his father’s surfboard he got when he was a teenager, He bragged how it was a Gordon and Smith longboard circa 1967; as if that might register any other type of reaction from me than “Yeah, so what?” He said his dad hadn’t used it since ’71 when he went overseas. I assumed he was talking about Vietnam and his dad had a tour of duty bravely defending our freedom. It turns out I was wrong. His dad was a hippie and overseas meant following the Grateful Dead around Europe. It wasn’t so much a tour of duty, more like of a tour of Amsterdam weed cafes. He told me if you play the Dead’s “Europe ‘72” album backwards you can hear his dad screaming “Richard Nixon raped Mia Farrow” over and over again toward the middle of Sugar Magnolia. He laughed and said his dad always told him “Son, always stay away from the brown acid” That must have been a real Hallmark moment between father and son.

My wife was playing with the kids in the sand when I took my borrowed board and headed toward the ocean. There were two other surfers in the ocean, easily riding waves, as I thought about how simple surfing is. I noticed their boards were much sleeker than mine. They had fiberglass, my old board was wood. As he rode in, one of the surfers snickered and said “Nice board, did you pick that out of the trash?” Quick to respond I shot back “It’s a Smith and Wesson!” before realizing Smith and Wesson make guns not surfboards. The other surfer responded “Smith and Wesson?" "I guess you will shoot right through the waves then?” They both wore faggy fluorescent jumpsuits and chuckled at my expense like giddy school girls. I wore my durable Wrangler dungaree cutoffs and wife beater tee. Their attire may have been more appropriate for surfing, but at least I didn’t look like The Village People meets The Beach Boys.

I placed my board against my chest and made my way into the ocean. I lied face down as the calm ripple lifted the board ever so slightly. So far, so good. Now I will just go up on my knees, and then stand up. Up on my knees, still on the board, balance is good…I was born to surf! I went from knees to feet standing confidently on that old board riding the wave, shooting the curl, hanging ten, and doing all the other shit that us great surfers do!!

That was until I actually encountered what can be classified as a wave.

I saw it coming from the distance and my thoughts jumped between “I got this” to “My ass is dead”. The once blue sun-filled sky I faced was now eclipsed by a wall of water rushing toward me. I felt the board jut forward from under my feet, it was now titled at the same angle as the angry wave behind it. The board smashed full force into my face, bloodied my nose, and temporarily knocked me out. When I came too seconds later, I puked a warm surge of water mixed what felt like a box of salt. I knew my nose was broken. The pain in my face was soon rivaled by the pain on my legs from the jellyfish stings.

I cried out “Help me, help me, I’m drowning!!” only to be greeted by wife and my two kids who were standing in water that was as deep as the kids thighs. Apparently I either washed violently back to shore or the more likely scenario; I didn’t go as far out as I thought?. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to surf!! “ What the hell is wrong with you??” screamed my wife. “Besides the broken nose, the jellyfish sting marks surrounding my ass, and my renewed hatred of surfing, I’m good, but thanks for asking you unsupportive bitch!” I said.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

My First Day in Prison – By Paris Hilton

I left the MTV Movie Awards, which I didn’t mind because that unfunny fugly bitch; Sarah Silverman was making fun of me. At first, they drove me to the Men’s Central Jail in downtown LA and I thought “I could live with this”. Being locked up with a bunch of sex starved men…that’s hot!!. They told me I was at the men’s jail to surrender to the sheriff?? They have so many different sayings for giving head in prison it’s really wild.

They then drove me to the all-women’s Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood…that’s not hot. Then told me I was about to be booked, I said I don’t really read books, I like magazines, the words aren’t as hard. So, I asked if they had the July issue of Cosmopolitan. I was fingerprinted, photographed, and medically screened. I don’t know why they it call being medically screened? They didn’t use a screen, but they used just about everything else. I told them I didn’t need a cavity search because I just saw my dentist and he said I have no cavities. But they managed to find two cavities the dentist didn’t find. Those guards have really cold hands!!

I put on that nasty orange jumpsuit. It is waaay too big for me!! All these prison bitches are fat as hell; luckily I packed peach lipstick, so my face will still look good even though my clothes don’t. I told the guards I’m 5’8” and 115 lbs. and I demanded a fitting with the top prison designer.

Instead they held me down and showed me inmate Vera’s Wang.

I will be serving a 23 day sentence. I hate sentences as much as I hate books. I hope this sentence ends with a period. I really don’t want to have to have it while I’m in jail. My mom told me prison lesbians are like sharks, when they smell blood they attack

They told me I would be in “administrative segregation” for 23 out of 24 hours a day. I was okay with that, because I don’t mind being locked up with a black secretary, maybe she can teach what it’s like to work in an office. I always wanted to know how to work a fax machine. Then told me administrative segregation means “solitary confinement”. Then they told me solitary confinement means I will be in my cell 23 out or 24 hours a day, by myself.

Then I started to cry, because being here is like really being in a prison.