Wednesday, June 14, 2006

No Kidding? It’s been a year already!

It been a year since Jacko got acquitted of child molestation. I sure as hell hope he didn’t try to celebrate this miscarriage of justice anniversary at the Bahrain Chuck-E-Cheese.

Top Ten Reasons I Think Wacko-Jacko was Guilty

10. After acquittal he volunteered for community service - 500 hours at a day care center.
9. His favorite NBA player: Jason Kidd
8. Banned from all telethons: Jerry’s kids filed a restraining order
7. His favorite pick-up line “Can I buy you a Jesus Juice Box?”
6. Wanted to sing duet with The Who’s Pete Townshend “The Kids are Alright.”
5. During sleep-over claims he was just “Disciplining his chimp; Bubbles”, but the kids say he was really spanking the monkey
4. Rewrote lyrics for hit Billie Jean: "Billie Jean is not my lover, but her son Billy is"
3. Legal disclaimer cited for divorce from Lisa-Marie Pressley “She’s not a 12-year old boy.”
2. He’s not only fascinated with the Elephant Man, but also thinks his grandsons are hot

And the number one reason I think Wacko-Jacko was guilty…

Admitted to inappropriate contact with his inner child.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Ashlee Simpson Nose Best

Ashlee Simpson went from black haired, punk/skater chick with big nose and no talent; to blonde haired hottie with little nose and no talent. She is still un-listenable but much easier on the eyes.

Barbra Streisand once said she would never get a nose job because she thought it might have a negative effect on her vocal performance. Maybe this is why Ashlee decided to have her nose job? She has nothing to lose. Here is my depiction of Simon Cowell after suffering through Ashlee singing as a contestant on ‘American Idol’:

“Paula and Randy I hold in my hand two ice picks. I want you to each take one and ram it as hard as bloody possible in into each of my ears!” “And just in case by some miracle I can still hear, Seacrest I want you kick me as hard as possible in the undercarriage and inflict pain so searing I will forget what I just heard!!”

Friday, June 09, 2006

My World Cup Primer

I’m not going to watch a minute of the World Cup. If I wanted to see a never ending parade of balls being kicked I’d just TiVo ‘America Funniest Home Videos’ you pick the season.

I have the same level of interest in soccer as Elton John has in taking a gander at the Heather Mills nudie pics. But, since my complete lack of knowledge has never stopped me from offering my opinion before, here goes:

Group A
Germany - German engineering of the scoreboard won’t help…. NO SHOT
Costa Rica- A banana harvesting tournament they win, but soccer …. NO SHOT
Poland- No help from the pope this year …. NO SHOT
Ecuador- see Cost Rica …. NO SHOT

Group B
England- Team photo revealed only one good set of teeth …. NO SHOT
Paraguay- see Ecuador …. NO SHOT
Trinidad and Tobago- Who knew about these two? Don’t ask don’t tell? …. NO SHOT
Sweden- The women are hot, the soccer is not …. NO SHOT

Group C
Argentina- Could win? (I got nothing)
Cote d’Ivoire- Great restaurant you really should try the lamb …. NO SHOT
Serbia and Montenegro- These two drink Zima with Trinidad and Tobago …. NO SHOT
Netherlands- Heineken won’t even help …. NO SHOT

Group D
Mexico- Too tired from all the border chases …. NO SHOT
Iran- Cab driving and flag burning final four- yes; but soccer …. NO SHOT
Angola- Brangelina’s favorite team…. NO SHOT
Portugal- see Argentina

Group E
Italy- Unless you’re the goalie, no hands allowed …. NO SHOT
Ghana- rhea …. NEED A SHOT
USA- They score less than me at spring break …. NO SHOT
Czech Republic- It’s not hockey or tennis, its soccer…. NO SHOT

Group F
Brazil- see Portugal
Croatia ….Won independence, lost in soccer…. NO SHOT
Australia- G’day mate, bad soccer mate …. NO SHOT
Japan- Japanese collaborating in Germany? The outcome can’t be good…. NO SHOT

Group G
France- Great at running.. away …. NO SHOT
Switzerland …. Yodeling contest they win, but soccer …NO SHOT
Korea Republic- Is to soccer what Hyundai is to car …. NO SHOT
Togo- No go…. NO SHOT

Group H
Spain- see Brazil
Ukraine …. Vodka chugging contest they win…NO SHOT
Tunisia- Brangelina’s second favorite team…. NO SHOT
Saudi Arabia- Terrorism and oil price gauging contest, but not soccer…. NO SHOT

Friday, June 02, 2006

I’m a Computer Illiterate

Some recent headlines from Geekville.. “Google to Bundle Software on Dell PCs” “Symantec Anti Virus Software Flawed”, “Yahoo, eBay Join Forces in Defense Against Google”

What does it all mean? Don’t ask me I don’t know? Who am I Bill Flippin Gates? Just the mere mention of the word microsoft conjures up painful memories of my wife’s all too vivid recollection of our first sexual encounter. Give me a break - I was very drunk, it was really, really cold (okay it happened after the 4th of July fireworks; and I was as sober as a Mormon elder).

I finally decided to call “Shall Remain Nameless Company” tech support because I’m having trouble with spam and viruses in my email. I can’t open my email without another advertisement in 16 point font boasting; “Add 4 inches to your penis in two weeks” C’mon now this is just plain ridiculous and a bit insulting. Besides, what in the world am I going to do with a 13-incher?? Host a human limbo contest?

How you doin’ ladies? What’s that you say? The microsoft comment is that really true? I don’t want to talk about that right now, let’s just move on okay…

When I called ‘SRNC’ tech support I was greeted by a language last heard on a recent taxi ride. “Halo this is Joe Smeeth with techneecal subbort, how may I hop you?”

Oh Fug Me!! If his name’s Joe Smith, my name is Rasheed Wallace. A few minutes of me politely regurgitating “uh-huh” after “uh-huh” went by. He may have been telling me to remove the cover from the PC, drop my pants and teabag my motherboard for all I could tell since I couldn’t understand a word being spoken.

Already knowing the answer but asking anyway “Are you located in here in America?” I dumbly offered. He replied “No Bangalore” Did he just tell me to “go bang a whore??" I was really having communications problems between my broken cell phone and his broken English. So I politely asked him to transfer me to someone in the U.S. After reciting statistics about how their call center was the best in the world, at least I think that’s what was being said he reluctantly obliged my request.

“What’s up bro this is Travis with SRNC tech support” “Is there some bogus stuff happening with your PC, let me hear all about it”

After I repeated my issues twice and much slower the second time, I wondered how stoned this kid actually was. As each minute passed I was growing more and more frustrated. I was just about to hang up when he chimes in with “I got it, I got it, I know what the problem is, it’s right here in the annual” I said “You mean manual”. He replied “Is that like a book with instructions?” I said “Yea, you could say that” He replied “Right on bud, then that’s what I got in front me.”

Tech support Spicoli then tells me “Dude you just need to DISABLE McAfee” “How do I do that?” I asked, “I don’t know, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS, I GUESS?, it’s only my first day here dude!”

Stunned and partially amused I hung up the phone and recalled the egg frying in the pan during the “this is your brain” ad campaign from a few years ago.

I have to go now. It’s time to answer my spam and do a redial with Joe Smith back in Bangalore, maybe there something to all those great statistics after all?