I’m a Computer Illiterate

Some recent headlines from Geekville.. “Google to Bundle Software on Dell PCs” “Symantec Anti Virus Software Flawed”, “Yahoo, eBay Join Forces in Defense Against Google”

What does it all mean? Don’t ask me I don’t know? Who am I Bill Flippin Gates? Just the mere mention of the word microsoft conjures up painful memories of my wife’s all too vivid recollection of our first sexual encounter. Give me a break - I was very drunk, it was really, really cold (okay it happened after the 4th of July fireworks; and I was as sober as a Mormon elder).

I finally decided to call “Shall Remain Nameless Company” tech support because I’m having trouble with spam and viruses in my email. I can’t open my email without another advertisement in 16 point font boasting; “Add 4 inches to your penis in two weeks” C’mon now this is just plain ridiculous and a bit insulting. Besides, what in the world am I going to do with a 13-incher?? Host a human limbo contest?

How you doin’ ladies? What’s that you say? The microsoft comment is that really true? I don’t want to talk about that right now, let’s just move on okay…

When I called ‘SRNC’ tech support I was greeted by a language last heard on a recent taxi ride. “Halo this is Joe Smeeth with techneecal subbort, how may I hop you?”

Oh Fug Me!! If his name’s Joe Smith, my name is Rasheed Wallace. A few minutes of me politely regurgitating “uh-huh” after “uh-huh” went by. He may have been telling me to remove the cover from the PC, drop my pants and teabag my motherboard for all I could tell since I couldn’t understand a word being spoken.

Already knowing the answer but asking anyway “Are you located in here in America?” I dumbly offered. He replied “No Bangalore” Did he just tell me to “go bang a whore??" I was really having communications problems between my broken cell phone and his broken English. So I politely asked him to transfer me to someone in the U.S. After reciting statistics about how their call center was the best in the world, at least I think that’s what was being said he reluctantly obliged my request.

“What’s up bro this is Travis with SRNC tech support” “Is there some bogus stuff happening with your PC, let me hear all about it”

After I repeated my issues twice and much slower the second time, I wondered how stoned this kid actually was. As each minute passed I was growing more and more frustrated. I was just about to hang up when he chimes in with “I got it, I got it, I know what the problem is, it’s right here in the annual” I said “You mean manual”. He replied “Is that like a book with instructions?” I said “Yea, you could say that” He replied “Right on bud, then that’s what I got in front me.”

Tech support Spicoli then tells me “Dude you just need to DISABLE McAfee” “How do I do that?” I asked, “I don’t know, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS, I GUESS?, it’s only my first day here dude!”

Stunned and partially amused I hung up the phone and recalled the egg frying in the pan during the “this is your brain” ad campaign from a few years ago.

I have to go now. It’s time to answer my spam and do a redial with Joe Smith back in Bangalore, maybe there something to all those great statistics after all?