Friday, June 09, 2006

My World Cup Primer

I’m not going to watch a minute of the World Cup. If I wanted to see a never ending parade of balls being kicked I’d just TiVo ‘America Funniest Home Videos’ you pick the season.

I have the same level of interest in soccer as Elton John has in taking a gander at the Heather Mills nudie pics. But, since my complete lack of knowledge has never stopped me from offering my opinion before, here goes:

Group A
Germany - German engineering of the scoreboard won’t help…. NO SHOT
Costa Rica- A banana harvesting tournament they win, but soccer …. NO SHOT
Poland- No help from the pope this year …. NO SHOT
Ecuador- see Cost Rica …. NO SHOT

Group B
England- Team photo revealed only one good set of teeth …. NO SHOT
Paraguay- see Ecuador …. NO SHOT
Trinidad and Tobago- Who knew about these two? Don’t ask don’t tell? …. NO SHOT
Sweden- The women are hot, the soccer is not …. NO SHOT

Group C
Argentina- Could win? (I got nothing)
Cote d’Ivoire- Great restaurant you really should try the lamb …. NO SHOT
Serbia and Montenegro- These two drink Zima with Trinidad and Tobago …. NO SHOT
Netherlands- Heineken won’t even help …. NO SHOT

Group D
Mexico- Too tired from all the border chases …. NO SHOT
Iran- Cab driving and flag burning final four- yes; but soccer …. NO SHOT
Angola- Brangelina’s favorite team…. NO SHOT
Portugal- see Argentina

Group E
Italy- Unless you’re the goalie, no hands allowed …. NO SHOT
Ghana- rhea …. NEED A SHOT
USA- They score less than me at spring break …. NO SHOT
Czech Republic- It’s not hockey or tennis, its soccer…. NO SHOT

Group F
Brazil- see Portugal
Croatia ….Won independence, lost in soccer…. NO SHOT
Australia- G’day mate, bad soccer mate …. NO SHOT
Japan- Japanese collaborating in Germany? The outcome can’t be good…. NO SHOT

Group G
France- Great at running.. away …. NO SHOT
Switzerland …. Yodeling contest they win, but soccer …NO SHOT
Korea Republic- Is to soccer what Hyundai is to car …. NO SHOT
Togo- No go…. NO SHOT

Group H
Spain- see Brazil
Ukraine …. Vodka chugging contest they win…NO SHOT
Tunisia- Brangelina’s second favorite team…. NO SHOT
Saudi Arabia- Terrorism and oil price gauging contest, but not soccer…. NO SHOT

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