Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Peeling Back the Onion on the Candidates….Rudy Giuliani

Since he is now the favorite let’s look at Rudy Giuliani first - Rudy’s father did time for felony assault and robbery. Usually it’s the politician doing all the illegal shit not the parents, unless you’re a Bush or Kennedy of course then it happens in consecutive generations. Not only did Rudy not walk in the crooked footsteps of his Dad he became the District Attorney of NYC, so he routinely sent guys like Pops away to Rikers.

Giuliani has been married three times, a glutton for punishment no doubt. His first marriage was to Regina Peruggi, who was also his second cousin. Rudy said he didn’t find out they were cousins until fourteen years into the marriage, which also coincided with the fact that she was no longer hot. Funny how that works? Rudy should have had a clue when he got married and instead of her father telling him to call him “Dad”, he told Rudy it was alright to keep calling him “Uncle Tony”. Who did the blood test for the marriage license anyway, Dr. Ray Charles?

Rudy must have already had thoughts of the Presidency way back then. He was obviously trying to appeal to the all important Southern voting block by marrying the cousin. The “shotgun wedding” is when you knock her up and her dad forces you into the marriage staring down the barrel of his Winchester. I don’t know if they have a name for marrying a relative, but I’m going on record right now and dubbing it “banjo wedding”. If you have a child with a relative he will look like the banjo kid in Deliverance or worse. You read it hear first, just in case I have to sue somebody I could use a few witnesses.

Guliani appeared in public in drag three times. He even did it once on Saturday Night Live in 1997. The other two occasions were both in Times Square and he was just feeling girly and went with it. So, its official I would never want to put my hand up the skirt of the next President; either Rudy or Hillary.

Rudy left his second wife; Donna Hanover for his current wife Judith Nathan. Rudy had a son and daughter with Hanover and neither is currently on speaking terms with him because of the nasty divorce and the ensuing hard feelings. If he becomes President, I’m sure that will change. You know how it easy it is to get laid when your dad is the President? No, me neither.

It might no be that easy? Think about it, the Secret Service is perched outside the door listening to even last moan. Both parties have to be self conscious, the male partner doesn’t want to finish too quickly because then he will get his balls busted by the agents at the door. The female doesn’t want to get to loud knowing she has a male audience within earshot who may think she is a total HO is she gets too into it. So, it’s really a lose-lose situation.

Let’s look at some other positives, while mayor of NYC Rudy lowered crime and made the city a safer place to live and he showed incredible leadership in the aftermath of 9/11. You have to think he will be tougher on terrorism than any of the other candidates since he knew many victims personally.

He already has the hard core conservatives pissed off because he is pro-choice and supports gay marriage and stem cell research. So, it will be interesting to see if he can get the GOP nomination given he is socially liberal. His poll numbers are very impressive; he leads both John McCain and Hillary Clinton by double digits.

Not bad for a cross-dressing, kids-hating, cousin marrying glutton for punishment!