Sunday, July 30, 2006

Brothers From a Different Mother?

Same whacked-out jihad looking beard. Both wish the "Fiddler on the Roof" fell off. Neither ever Tivo'd an episode of Seinfeld. Both categorize the following as his three favorite alltime "comedy" movies: "Shindler's List, Life is Beautiful, and Caddyshack" in that order.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Next Year’s Tour De France Champion: Barry Bonds

I’m confused. Floyd Landis tested positive for that illegal banned substance … testosterone? He’s a man, aren’t we supposed to have testosterone in our systems? Testing positive for estrogen, now that's problematic. I would have had been the first one to yell “You cheatin’ bitch, now take off the yellow spandex shirt and let’s see those titties you've been hiding so well”.

The International Cycling Union on Wednesday said that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after Stage 17 of the race last Thursday. It doesn’t necessarily mean he cheated; he might just have a bigger testosterone producing hairy beanbag than most guys. And if that's the case, I'd take that over some silly-ass bike trophy anyday!

The following bit of information isn’t going to help Landis’ claim of being clean… he was actually eight minutes back of the leader going into Stage 17. After the stage, he was within one minute of the leader. How the hell did this happen? Did the rest of the guys just stop riding altogether on Stage 17? “Guys, I think in the name of good sportsmanship let’s let Landis catch up. He looked so sad after Stage 16 like he was going to cry.”

I played many sports and sucked at each one fairly equally. I know what it’s like to lose, and to lose, and to lose again. I’ve been eight minutes behind in a race before. The sad part is that it was a forty-yard dash. If I came out the next day and came close to winning a race I would expect suspicions would be raised.

Could this be an anti-American backlash by the French? This was the 8th straight year an American won the Tour. The Armstrong accusations of last year and now this? I thought the only banned substances in France were soap, toothpaste, and deodorant?

Granted Landis is not Lance. Armstrong won the damned thing with one nut, so right from the start he had 1/2 the testosterone of Landis, and that was before Floyd allegedly cheated.

Do the math if you don't believe me!

It was nice of Floyd’s mommy to come out and defend him. Well, she didn’t come out, that was Lance Bass who came out, I meant see just defended him. She’s not a lesbian, I don’t think. His mother says it's not true... my mother used to tell me I was smart and handsome. Take that for what it's worth.

His mother seems like a nice dignified older woman. She is a folksy rural Mennonite who lives with her husband in a farmhouse in Pennsylvania Dutch country. But I do question her knowledge of the whole performance enhancing drug problem when she said: “My little Floyd would never even think of trying Asteroids”

Landis is suspended, pending results of the backup "B" sample of his drug test. If that test comes back positive he can kiss the title good-bye.

Gotta go now, with football season just around the corner its time for me start shopping my “clean urine” over on eBay.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ramblings about Summer Movies I Didn’t See

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest- We know Johnny Depp looks like Keith Richards but as a Pirate. We got the joke the first time.

Little Man- Hah, and you thought Verne Troyer was just sitting by the phone waiting for Austin Powers IV to happen.

You, Me and Dupree- How about just ‘Kate Hudson and Me’. Dupree can go play out on the freeway.

Little Miss Sunshine- Finally, a Ryan Seacrest biopic, I’ve been waiting.

Clerks II- Good Movie- 0

A Scanner Darkly- Prequel to next summer’s “A Fax Machine Lightly” part two of Paramount’s ‘Office Depot’ trilogy.

Click- Most reviewers wish they had the remote.

Miami Vice- If you are going to steal from the 80’s NBC Friday night lineup for the big screen, how ‘bout a little “Hello Larry” over here please!

The Lake House- Sounds like a fast-paced, laugh out loud, over the top comedy much like the outrageously funny “That Wooden Shed” or that knee-slapper “Old Maple Tree”

Nacho Libre- Should have been titled “Nacho Cheese” after the promo visual of Jack Black in tights.

Superman Returns- And boy is he pissed about the new Under Armour Kryptonite work-out gear that’s all the rage!

The Devil Wears Prada- Right before he goes to Georgia looking for a soul to steal.

Strangers With Candy- That’s no stranger kids, his name’s Michael and he’s a 45 year old Peter Pan wannabe with plastic nostrils, so run.

Monster House- The place where the Stranger with Candy spanks Bubbles his chimp.

Cars- Really just cartoon cars.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Title accurately describes the following: my speedy performances in bed and my wife’s reaction, and my Japanese sailing experience.

An Inconvenient Truth- Supposed to be much better than last year's “Handy Bullshit," but not as much fun.

Lady in Water- Please tell me she’s swimming naked!

Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man: No Lenny, you’re not my man, but you are my urologist and a damned good one at that.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend- That you stole, is now your bitchy ex-wife with half your cash.

The Break-Up- See My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

Who Killed the Electronic Car? - Great, a freakin’ pop-quiz! I give up. Who? The Electric Train?

Wordplay- I call it foreplay, and the word I use is “PLEASE!!”

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Uptown Girl Headed for Midtown Divorce

Can we NOT USE the prefix “model” when writing or discussing Christie Brinkley? She’s fifty-two, she used to model in bikinis and sexy underwear like thirty years ago.

Don't get me wrong, she is still a MILF, but I haven't gotten any in so long Rosie O'Donnell is starting to look real MILF-like too.

Does she have any hobbies besides divorce? Can we call her “Animal Rights Activist” Christie Brinkley, or “Day Trader” Christie Brinkley. I’ve seen her in infomercials with Chuck Norris, so couldn’t we call her “Spokesperson for some useless workout shit sold late at night” Christie Brinkley. Unless she is modeling in Depends or denture cream the expiration date is up on the model moniker.

This is the fourth marriage down the tubes for Christie. She was previously married to Frenchman Jean-Francois Allaux, singer Billy Joel, developer Richard Taubman, and now architect Peter Cook. Did Christie drive Billy Joel to drink? Did Billy drive into the trees while thinking of Christie? These are questions that need answers people.

Diana Bianchi; a 19-year-old reveals that she and Cook had a yearlong affair. She told the New York Post that Cook, 47, met her at a toy store, hired her as an assistant at his firm and seduced her with gifts. At first given her age I thought she was shopping at the toy store for Barbie’s or something, but apparently she was an employee.

Bianchi also told Fox 5 News in New York that she knew he was married but things just "escalated."

He bought her a Cadillac Escalated? Sweet.

Bianchi's attorney, Joseph Tacopina, claimed that she will be a "vital witness" should the couple pursue divorce.

Tacopina told The Associated Press that Cook "first lured this girl into his web by employing her ... and then showering her with gifts." He described their relationship as consensual, but claimed Cook's role as employer and his gifts of a car, money and jewelry could possibly constitute sexual harassment.

If gifts, cars, and money are considered sexual harassment, I want my wife to show up early to work to start getting sexually harassed. Maybe she could even work overtime or weekends. I need a new car and a Rolex. Cash works real nice too.

I think this thing is a big misunderstanding. Cook brought Bianchi to work on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day”. Peter misunderstood the concept, he thought he had to take somebody else’s daughter to work, namely Mr. Bianchi's daughter. It’s an honest mistake

"Being put in the position that (Cook) put her in, which was to be financially dependent on him ... as long as she provided sex — that's the relationship that the law frowns upon when you're an employer and an employee." Tacopina said he had no immediate plans for a law suit.

Not immediate plans for a lawsuit? Sure, he needs to get back to the office first, then the lawsuit. He will take his time getting to the office (go for haircut, stop for lunch) that is why plans aren’t immediate.

More original programming for Court TV is on the way…

Saturday, July 08, 2006

First Week of July News to Peruse

Al Gore to address Wal-Mart executives
Al Gore will take his campaign against global warming to Wal-Mart Stores Inc. next week, speaking at Wal-Mart headquarters to executives who could give a rat’s ass about the environment, but look forward to this remedy for their chronic insomnia.

Man claims Jackson hired him to adopt boys
A former associate suing Michael Jackson' for $1.6 million suddenly claimed on the witness stand Friday that he once was dispatched to help the pop star adopt boys in Brazil, but the singer's attorney denounced the story as a smear “I vehemently deny these false and libelous allegations, Michael at no time had the desire to adopt boys in Brazil, he just wanted to borrow the boys for sleepovers and it was Portugal not Brazil.”

ACLU probes N.M. gay-gym raid
A weekend raid by law enforcement officers of the gay Pride Gym in Albuquerque, N.M., that left patrons "bullied, terrorized and humiliated" has prompted the ACLU and other groups to inquire into possible civil rights violations there. Patrons of the gym also protested the officers less than thorough cavity search.

Early drinking may speed alcohol dependence
People who begin to drink alcohol before the age of 14 years are not only more likely to become alcoholics than those who stay away from alcohol until they're 21. The research also suggests people who drink in the afternoon will get drunk before people who wait until night fall to start.

Piece of man's skull falls off, draws crowds
Doctors say a large, dead section of 25-year-old electrician Sambhu Roy's skull came away Sunday after severe burns starved it of blood .The piece came off Sunday and hundreds of people and dozens of doctors now crowd around his bed, where he lies holding the bone. After handing the piece over to the doctors, the police arrested Roy for giving head.

Operation removes lightbulb from anus
Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus. Doctors successfully removed the light bulb much to the delight of Fateh’s two cellmates; Al-Lik-Aman and Fahrk-Fateh-Zilye.

Putin kissed boy 'like a kitten'
Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday. When asked to comment Michael Jackson said “Yuk, he’s even worse than me, he fantasizes about pussy when he does it, that’s really creepy.”

Fat people not more jolly, survey says
According to a study obesity is strongly linked with depression and other mood disorders. So fat people are not more jolly, but they eat more jelly than thin people.

Study: Money Does Not Buy Much Happiness
Although most people imagine that if they had more money they could do more fun things and perhaps be happier, the reality seems to be that those with higher incomes tend to be tenser, and spend less time on simple leisurely activities. Due to the results of the study when referring to the less fortunate, the rich must now say “Look at that poor happy bastard.”

Britons tire of cruel, vulgar US: according to poll
People in Britain view the United States as a vulgar, crime-ridden society obsessed with money and led by an incompetent president whose Iraq policy is failing, according to a newspaper poll. They also have a strong distaste for the seven out of ten American dentists who recommend Crest.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part II)

Dad said "Yes we are interested" and asked Ned Beatty’s worst nightmare what he had for sale. “Hell, I got shit that would take down a small nation” replied mutton chops to the delight of the second trucker who resembled Don Knotts if he wore a cowboy hat and had both arms covered with bad black ink tattoos. He guffawed loudly through the open real estate in his face where teeth once resided.

As the door lifted we got a full view of this arsenal on eighteen wheels. “I got ½ sticks. ¼ sticks of dynamite, I got M-80, M-100, M-200, I got roman candles and Greek candles, I got cherry bombs and apple bombs, I got enough firecrackers to line a trail from here to Savannah and back again!!.

Our once comfortable station wagon was now cramped with enough explosive material to bring down The Vet while it was still in its prime. My brother and I had stacks of both M80s and ¼ sticks under our legs in the back seat. Dad looked back at us and smiled with the newly lit Lucky Strike dangling from lips. “You ladies gotta use the bathroom to change your pads or anything” he laughingly asked us. I didn’t know about my brother but I didn’t need to take a pit stop because I already practically shit my pants having WWIII between my knees. My brother was sweaty, ashen faced, motionless, and apparently unable to reply, but mom wanted to stretch her legs, so we pulled over.

My hunger soon replaced my fear as I thought about the Arby’s Double R Bar burger I was about to scarf down on our brief stop. With the combination of a grumbling stomach and the thought of being a castrated six-year old I couldn’t exit the shitwagaon fast enough. As I hopped out I noticed my chain smoking father sparking another Lucky Strike from the depleted one he just finished.

My brother not only sprang to life, but sprinted like Carl Lewis toward the Arby’s bathroom. Dad was quickly dismissing mom’s concerns about the safety of traveling with munitions. “Only idiots who don’t know what they are doing get hurt” he said. “It’s the morons you read about every year who lose body parts, I’m no moron and I ain’t about to lose any body parts”. Mom in all her gullibility seemed satisfied with this idiotic rant and put her head on my dad’s shoulder as they laughed their way toward the restaurant.

With full bellies my brother and I talked about how cool we’d look to the kids in the neighborhood with our new 4th of July toys. Just think about the fire power we are going to display in just two short days? It was just then we heard the loudest explosion ever, followed by the second loudest ever, then the third loudest ever..


The passenger door flew in the air like a tossed crushed aluminum can, windows shattered with quick and violent pop after pop. Stream after stream of multiple colors took to the sky followed by louder popping. My Mickey Mouse ears were on fire, luggage burned like logs in a fireplace. After what seemed like forever with the explosions and popping sound, a black smoldering mountain was all that was left our car.

After questioning and interrogation by multiple law enforcement agencies at both the federal and local levels, it was determined that hell at the rest stop was caused by I’m no moron’s still lit cigarette. He of course quickly tried to blame mom who hadn’t had a cigarette in six months, then asked if me or my brother were smokers.

After the arrest and the fines, we were driven to the airport by the South Carolina State Police and told in so many words to “never to show our Yankee asses in my state again’. The flight home was not too bad with not having any luggage to check in and all. To add irony to insult, the movie on the flight home was called “Fire” starring Ernest Borgnine and Patty Duke. When dad saw the opening credits he asked the flight attendant to keep the Scotch on the rocks coming fast.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part I)

I was just an excited kid on the car ride home from my families first and last Disney vacation when my older brother asked dad to stop and buy fireworks for the upcoming 4th of July holiday. Fully expecting my father’s backhand to catch me first before connecting to my brother’s empty melon, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to hear my father say “That’s a great idea!”. Looking to ride coattails I chimed in with “I want fireworks too!!”. I was quickly rebuffed by Dad with “If I wanted any shit out of you I would have squeezed your head!!” At least he didn’t say no.

We traveled north on I-95 through South Carolina and saw big billboards advertising the sale of fireworks. So Dad pulled the shitwagon off the interstate and stopped at a place called “South of the Border”; a Mexican styled campground and theme park. I thought it was strange because I didn’t notice any Mexicans working there at all. Maybe they pay too well for Americans not to work there?

We followed the signs to the gift shop where they apparently sold fireworks. The guy working the counter said “They were plum out of most of the good stuff.” The only thing he had left were something we called sparklers. There were basically two reasons for this, the first being you could buy sparklers anywhere in the northeast, and the second, no kid wanted to be caught dead with a sparkler in his neighborhood on the 4th of July. The little sparkles may last a minute or two, but the verbal abuse could possibly continue until you go away to college.

My dad, brother, and I looked like three dejected kids who just lost their puppy. Mom, on the other hand was smiling and looking toward the sky while saying “Thank you, thank you.” It was just at that point when we were confronted by two good ole boy truckers who just exited the convoy and nearly avoided Smokey. The one who spoke first wore a Civil War type cap and had long mutton chop sideburns. His hairy belly protruded from the multi-stained unintentional half-shirt he was wearing. “Y’all in need of fireworks” is what I made out before being distracted by the stream of Skoal chewing tobacco that shot from his lips and landed on the pointy tip of his right cowboy boot..

Saturday, July 01, 2006

One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Ringtone

People who talk on cell phones while driving, even using "hands-free" devices, are as impaired as drunken drivers, researchers said Thursday.

“If legislators really want to address driver distraction, then they should consider outlawing cell phone use while driving," said Frank Drews, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Utah who worked on the study.

Researchers studied 40 volunteers who used a driving simulator four times--while undistracted, using a handheld cell phone, using a hands-free cell phone and while intoxicated to a 0.08 percent blood-alcohol level--the average legal level of impairment in the United States--after drinking vodka and orange juice.

Three study participants rear-ended the simulated car in front of them. All were talking on cell phones and none was drunk, the researchers said. Motorists who talked on either handheld or hands-free cell phones drove slightly more slowly, were 9 percent slower to hit the brakes, and varied their speed more than undistracted drivers.

Does this mean if you drink and drive hands-free you will do slightly better than if not? I have to bring out my beer funnel more often when I hit the road.

I agree with the research about talking and driving. Now typing and driving is another story. In fact I’m posting this entry from my Blackberry 8700 while stuck in traffic, and ironically enough drinking Blackberry Brandy at the same time. I’m just kidding I would never drink Brandy and drive at the same time so I did the right thing and waited for this traffic jam to start before I started. But, my cell phone is turned off. I have to respect the study.