Friday, May 18, 2007

Annoying People in the Health Club

The loud grunting/shouting guy- You're a human growth hormone induced muscle-head and you’re trying to dead-lift Antarctica. All the shouting in the world isn’t going to make those weights any easier to lift. . If you strain any harder, the next thing you lift may be your shrunken nuts off the gym floor!

The overweight profuse sweater- You expel as much internal liquid as the Exxon Valdez then refuse to wipe down the treadmill for the next person. If you need the assistance of a cleaning lady after your workout you may want to do one of the following: a) not workout as hard or b) not workout at all.

The flatulent old lady- I appreciate you efforts in working out and all, especially at your advanced age. But, the end point for your leg squats is in close proximity to where my head rests for the bench press and I don’t have an air-freshener headband or a gas-mask handy.

The guy with the shorty shorts - Those tight red Sassoon satin gym shorts may have been all the rage in 1978 at the roller-skating party while The Bee-Gees blared on the speakers above, but your balls have moved south by three decades where the shorts are longer and provide more coverage. It's time for some new gear ASAP!! Nobody came to the gym in the hopes of getting a gander at your graying hairy beanbag… but it happened anyway.

The locker room guy who stays naked a little too long- I don’t mind having a conversation about the stock market; I just don’t want to see what stocks really excite you. Put on some clothes right after your shower Dow Jones!!

The hot chick – You’re wearing skin tight workout clothes and you have a killer body. You know you’re hot, every guy in the gym knows you’re hot. So, when we get caught checking you out, is it necessary for you to yell “Take a picture, it lasts longer you Perv!!” every single time?

The mirror guy - It’s great that you’re happy with the way you look. But do really need to flex after every single rep? You might be able to finish your workout in less than three hours if the gym had no mirrors.

The Elliptical marathon woman- I signed-up for the elliptical an hour ago and you’re still on it with no conceivable ending in sight. Take off the I-Pod, close the Lisa Scottoline paperback, quickly move off the equipment before they charge you a rental fee!!

The Tai Chi guy- You take up valuable floor space perfecting your hand gyrations. I’m not sure this can even be classified as a workout? It looks more like interpretive dance to me. Whatever it is, you sure as hell don’t need to do it in a gym, find a dance floor somewhere.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Yo Adrienne, Tell Dem You was Doin’ Da Steroids!

Actor Sylvester Stallone pleaded guilty to bringing vials of a restricted muscle-building hormone into Australia. Lawyers for the 60-year-old star of the "Rocky" and "Rambo" movies entered the guilty plea on behalf of the actor, who did not appear in the Sydney court room.

I would have loved for Sly to try and defend himself to the Australian judge. That would have been CourtTV at it’s finest. He would taken a worse beating from the judge than he took from Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, and Ivan Drago combined. “Yo judge I love kangaroos and The Wiggles. Sorry about what happened to Steve Irwin. Russell Crowe is my favorite Australian born actor, besides Paul Hogan. If you do send me to the brink can I serve my time with the women in cellblock H?”

The judge would reply “Mr Stallone it’s apparent those fight scenes weren’t fake after all. Maybe you should have filmed those scenes wearing protective headgear. And just for future reference Russell Crowe was born in New Zealand, not Australia”

Stallone was accused of bringing a banned substance into Australia after a customs search of his luggage during a Feb. 16 visit to Sydney revealed 48 vials of the human growth hormone product, Jintropin.

Apparently Stallone is as dopey as he looks. He was quoted as saying “If I was a kangaroo I could have hidden the drugs in my pouch, then I could’ve kicked the security guards real hard if they tried to search my pouch”

Human growth hormone, a naturally occurring substance that can be replicated synthetically and is used to build muscle mass, is considered a performance enhancing drug in Australia and it cannot be imported without a permit from the national drug regulator, the Therapeutic Goods Administration.

Stallone faces a maximum penalty of a $22,000 fine. Sentencing information was not released, and Stallone's lawyers made no immediately comment. During his visit to Australia, Stallone shrugged off the airport incident. "It was just a minor misunderstanding," Stallone told reporters "They were just doing their jobs. I just didn't understand some of the rules here. But I really didn’t think they had rules here. Wasn’t this place a prison colony? I saw a show about that on the History Channel once, or was it the Disney Channel?”

Monday, May 14, 2007

You Can’t Lick the Postal Service

The price of a stamp is now increased to $0.41 from $0.39 effective today May 14, 2007. I think it’s a good time to start paying the majority of my bills online since the stamp is now official more expensive than the envelope and the paper inside. I wonder what benefit the increase will have. I mean, are we going to see a more robust stamp? I buy my toilet paper two-ply because I like Mexican food and the extra ply is needed to accomplish a proper mop-up. With toilet paper I have an option; I can buy the cheaper single-ply if I wish but I don’t want to change my underwear ten times a day like Frank Sinatra. So, I play it safe and opt for the extra ply and pay a little more. In Frank’s defense, I don’t think they had two-ply back in the day, at least not at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas anyway. To be honest, when I first read about the Sinatra habit, the song Summer Wind made much more sense to me. There’s nothing like a nice warm breeze to keep everything dry.

From a technology perspective I don’t foresee any major changes for the stamp. The major breakthrough happened years ago with the self-adhesive addition. Since then, nothing, zip, nil, nada, and zero. Surely, we can’t still be paying for the self-adhesive discovery? We are not, and don’t call me Surely! The price rises for both self-adhesive and self lick at the same rate, so we pay nothing for the glue, it’s free.

On a personal note, I really enjoy going to the Post Office to buy my stamps and asking the smoking hot girl behind the counter; Tina; to repeat herself after saying “Self-adhesive or self-lick” for the third time but slower while licking her lips. If she ever obliged my twisted request and said it that way I might have made my own self-adhesive. Tina is to postal workers what Lamborghini is to cars, except without the spare tire. It’s not easy getting flagged from a Postal Office, but I did. I guess I should be lucky one of them didn’t shoot me.

No, the stamp hasn’t changed; the service really hasn’t changed, so really I think the price should DECREASE instead of increase. I have a few suggestions on how to make the stamp cheaper. First, let’s not add any new historical figures, or historical places to stamps. This process requires commissioning an artist to perfectly capture the person or place for the new stamp. Because this artist is working for the government he or she will milk this job for all it’s worth. No doubt you’ve heard the term starving artist, there is a reason for this term. The reason is most artists and their art suck. If I have to “interpret” your meaning, that just means you are not that good of an artist. Imagine reading a book and having to interpret the author’s words and meaning. That wouldn’t be a very good book, now would it? So, when this starving artist gets a government job there is no telling what kind of bill they are going to charge Uncle Sam. And Uncle Sam is real good at passing the check at dinner to us, his fellow dining companions. So please no new artwork!

Second suggestion, don’t make colored stamps. Anyone who uses a printer for their business and has to pay for color ink, knows how much more expensive it is than black ink. I don’t need to buy colorful stamps and I could care less about receiving colorful stamps on letters I receive. I never do jumping jacks when receiving a letter with a multi-colored scene depicting Yosemite.

Third suggestion, which if implemented would eliminate the need for the first two. Make everyone buy a small postal weighing machine that meters the mail automatically, the type that businesses have, but a smaller home version. We pay a one time fee, and the machine is replaced every five years or so. They are trying to push this “forever stamp” where you will pay today’s price and that stamp will be good forever. You know they are going to run of these very quickly and I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to badger a postal worker about getting more.

When I was a kid and we’d go to Grandma’s house and use her notebook paper to draw or color on, she would say “You kids need to stop, because that paper don’t grow on trees”. Grandma liked her Scotch, but her heart was in the right place. What Grandma was trying to tell us but too wasted to say was “stop wasting the paper”. It was a good lesson then, and it’s a good lesson now. Just ask Al Gore or Sheryl Crow. If the postal service didn’t have to make as many stamps, the costs of operation would decrease, and there wouldn’t be a need to increase the price of stamps.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

A Conversation between President Bush and the Queen

BUSH: Ya know, you got the same name as that big ‘ole ship; Queen Elizabeth II. What are the odds?
QUEEN: That ship was named in my honour

BUSH: Dang! I wish they would name a large vessel after me. I can see “The Dubya” monster truck crushin’ ass at Monster Jam ‘08
QUEEN: One can dream, one can dream

BUSH: Do you mind if I just call you QE2 for short, and you can just me Dubya?
QUEEN: YES, I certainly do mind.

BUSH: My bad Lizzie, my bad
QUEEN: I prefer Queen Elizabeth, or Her Majesty

BUSH: Do you know Queen Latifah?

BUSH: I call her Latifah, or “Tifah”, or just “Q” if I’m chillin’in da hood
QUEEN: I don’t understand what you are saying

BUSH: Don’t feel bad, neither does anyone else in America
QUEEN: I see.

BUSH: I just love your music
QUEEN: Do you mean “God Save the Queen”, the British national anthem?

BUSH: No, I mean “We are the Champions” and “Fat Bottomed Girls”
QUEEN: I am starting to feel rather ill

BUSH: Y’all drive on the wrong side of the road in England
QUEEN: I don’t drive

BUSH: I’ve driven on the wrong side before, I was really piss drunk
QUEEN: That’s abhorrent! You should have used a designated driver

BUSH: It wasn’t abhorrent, it was Absolut….Vodker, and I had a designated driver alright, his name was Jim Beam
QUEEN: It doesn’t seem like this Jim Beam chap was a very good driver if you were on the wrong side of the road.

BUSH: No ma’am, he wasn’t. He steered me in all the wrong directions. It could’ve been worse I could’ve taken a ride from Ted Kennedy.
QUEEN: Jolly good one Dubya, jolly good one!

BUSH: Do you think I could ever visit you on the other side of the pond at Lindsey Buckingham Palace?
QUEEN: I suppose so

BUSH: It’s funny how they call it “the pond”. The Pacific Ocean ain’t no pond!!
QUEEN: You don’t say

BUSH: I can’t wait to see all the Boobies outside the Palace standing upright and firm!
QUEEN: I believe you mean the Bobbies that guard the Palace

BUSH: No ma’am, I mean Boobies. I’m coming over in the summertime. Do you know Heather Mills?
QUEEN: Good heavens!! Your thought process is utterly juvenile!

BUSH: Thanks for the kind words ma’am. I studied real hard in school
QUEEN: God bless America….PLEASE

BUSH: Ya know, I’m sorta like American royalty myself
QUEEN: How do you figure?

BUSH: Well, my daddy was President, my mama looks like George Washington, and back in high school I got a hummer from a teacher who was the spitting image of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Well…. not exactly spitting.
QUEEN: EH GADS!!! I’ve got to get back to England this instant!

Friday, May 04, 2007

Top Ten Paris Hilton Reactions to her Jail Sentence

10. I can do time, if he’s hot

9. Solitary confinement? Is that like a new boutique on Rodeo?

8. Quick somebody find me some orange Jimmy Choo pumps

7. Where’s Ashton? I am sooo being punked right now

6. 45 days? Omigod that’s like a whole month....Whatever

5. You mean bull-dyke is a real person, not a type of cow?

4. What time does the prison salon open? I’m starting to see my roots

3. Only Marriotts do time, tell that Judgy I’m a Hilton

2. Should I join the Crips, the Bloods, or the Aryan Nation?

And the number one Paris Hilton reaction to the jail sentence…
Can the guard reduce my sentence for good oral behavior?

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Sheryl, Can You Spare a Square?

The Sheryl Crow “one square down there” theory of last week prompted me to restate my bathroom etiquette rules.

NOTE TO SELF….If I'm lucky enough to ever meet Sheryl under no circumstances whatsoever do I SHAKE HER HAND. Or hands because I don't know if she is a righty or lefty... and I don't mean politically.

As a rule of thumb I think the bathroom should be viewed in the same way as a library. It doesn’t matter if it’s the bathroom at home, the work bathroom, or public restroom. You can read all you wish but strict silence and focus must be maintained at all times.

Apply the following common sense practices at work or in a public restroom:

Don’t ever talk to me when I’m in full lock-down mode perched atop the shitter. I need to focus on the delivery I’m about to drop off and I’m not really looking for a Q&A session about last night’s LOST. Besides, my half of the dialogue would just be grunts and groans anyway.

Speaking of grunts and groans; please keep your volume to a reasonable level. Nobody wants to hear you replicate delivery room audio over there in stall number three. You might want to look into a stool softener.

Never ask me for a high five when I exit the stall, left me wash up and dry first then we can talk about that high-five.

If you see three empty urinals please use the ones at either end. Never use the middle one leaving left and right open. The next guy having to take a leak doesn’t want to go next to you and he’s wondering if you were forced to use the middle urinal because the other two were taken, or if you’re just a weird bastard.

Rule number 4 also applies for stalls, never use the middle. It’s only acceptable to use the middle stall if both the left and right are occupied or were heavily abused by the people before you.

While at the urinal eyes forward at all times, no exceptions.

Never use the following phrases to anyone at the urinal: “Shake it don’t break it”, “How’s it hanging?”, “You shake more than twice you’re playing with it”, or “Is that water cold today?” Your alarming interest in my junk makes for an uncomfortable bathroom experience.

Note for the bathroom attendant at the nightclub: I don’t want a Tic-Tac, condom cologne, gum, or any other dollar store trinket you may be peddling and I can dry my own hands, but thanks for your concern. If you like bathrooms so much go be a plumber’s apprentice.

Home bathroom rules:

If you happen to use the toilet paper down to the bottom please take a few seconds to replace the role for the next person. That 2”x 3” two-ply paper square stuck to the otherwise empty roll isn’t going to help me or even Sheryl Crow close the deal.

If you just took the dump of a lifetime and you feel the toilet is clogged you might want to use that stick thingy next to the toilet, it’s called a plunger.

I tend to leave the seat up, that’s just the way I roll. So what? Why do I need to hear about it time after time after time? Just put it down and save the lecture. I’ve flushed down more than a few panty liners and you never heard jack from me.

Yes, that odor of a decomposed woodland creature came from you. Its okay to spray air freshener as liberally as possible, in fact it’s required.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Lost My Marbles in the Flood

"Daddy my toys are swimming!!” proclaimed my daughter. This would have been a cute moment to remember had the toys been floating atop a swimming pool but not when afloat on four inches of water in the basement. Joining the toys for the synchronized swim were books, pictures, video, CDs, DVDs, and worst of all my new Ping golf clubs.

Of course, the basement was recently finished with newly placed wall to wall carpet. Now it’s just FINISHED. The carpet now has the same odor as my street during the great trash hauler strike back in July ‘04. The mold and mildew are the only two items in the basement that are still fully functional.

I made my way to the front curb hauling rain soaked books; “Looks like somebody got flooded” said Sam, the old retiree neighbor from up the street. They say age brings wisdom, if that’s true Sam must be about 1000 years old because he knows everything about anything. He is quick to offer his unsolicited opinion on a myriad of subjects ranging from lawn care to giving the wife multiple orgasms. “You got a flip it, dig in there, make sure it’s damp, and then flip it again” That was his suggestion about how to properly apply cedar mulch to the garden bed on the front lawn. Or was it his advice to giving the wife multiple orgasms? I don’t remember.

“I guess you didn’t buy the sump pump I recommended, you get what you pay for”, he continued. Isn’t there a bingo game somewhere missing a wise-cracking eighty-two year old know it all?

“I’m dry as a bone, not one drop of water” he added. “Yeah, but what about your basement” I quipped. My attempt at humor was lost on him. My pride tells me to chalk it up his lack of hearing.

He went on tell me about one of his many patented inventions. This time it was a spring loaded latch for a lock and dam system he invented in 1955. He said if it was used in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, the damage would have been minimized.

Sure, a fifty year old invention would have slowed one of the greatest natural catastrophes of our time? I think it was time for Sam’s nurse to up the dosage on the daily meds at this point.

“Gotta go Sam, I have a lot of work here” I said, hoping to end this painful exchange. “Alright, next time just listen to me kid, and you won’t find yourself in this mess” he said as he turned to walk away. As I was flipping the bird toward his back the old-timer spun back around with the reflexes of guy a quarter of his age.

“What you are you doing?”
he asked. “I have something in my eye” I answered like a coward. Hey, he saw combat in WWII. I only saw combat on PS2. The visual of Bob Barker whipping Adam Sandler’s ass in Happy Gilmore suddenly flashed in my mind.

As fate would have it, I have a $1,000 deductible on my home owner’s policy and by last count about $900 worth of water damage to my belongings. It’s time to rally the troops and throw older valuables in need of upgrade into the basement. I could use a new 45” LCD TV to replace that 10 year-old RCA we inherited from my wife’s Grandma; who died last year, ironically in front of that TV.

She had heart problems and emphysema. She was hooked up to constant oxygen 24/7. She happened to misplace the remote control on the day she died. She had to get out of her chair to change channels, while do so, she pulled the hose from her tank and couldn’t breathe. The paramedics found her on her back with an extended arm reach toward the television. It was Sunday night when she died, no doubt she was trying to find The Sopranos on HBO, it was her favorite show. Every time we watch that TV we think of her, especially when we can’t find the remote.

After multiple trips throughout the house, the basement resembled an eBay warehouse, I threw everything that insurance money could upgrade into the basement. That old Toshiba laptop running Windows98 could use a bath, bring it down to the basement!! Let’s make that Sony PS2 float, it’s time to upgrade to the Nintendo Wii.. This cell phone blows, I want a Blackberry...

But Karma is a bitch, and I guess you could say I got bitch slapped. The claims adjuster from the insurance company smelled something fishy from the start. I didn’t throw any fish in the basement (if I had any I would have).

My mother used to say “What a tangled web we weave when we try to deceive”. Mom is big on cliches. I wish I remembered this nugget of wisdom before I hastily trashed most of our stuff.

To her credit, my wife didn’t want any part of my scam from the beginning. So when the adjuster asked her about the jewelry in the basement she just looked at me with a blank stare. It only got worse from there, not only did we not receive a payment from the insurance company, we were dropped altogether.

I guess the 45” LCD will have to wait.