Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Sheryl, Can You Spare a Square?

The Sheryl Crow “one square down there” theory of last week prompted me to restate my bathroom etiquette rules.

NOTE TO SELF….If I'm lucky enough to ever meet Sheryl under no circumstances whatsoever do I SHAKE HER HAND. Or hands because I don't know if she is a righty or lefty... and I don't mean politically.

As a rule of thumb I think the bathroom should be viewed in the same way as a library. It doesn’t matter if it’s the bathroom at home, the work bathroom, or public restroom. You can read all you wish but strict silence and focus must be maintained at all times.

Apply the following common sense practices at work or in a public restroom:

Don’t ever talk to me when I’m in full lock-down mode perched atop the shitter. I need to focus on the delivery I’m about to drop off and I’m not really looking for a Q&A session about last night’s LOST. Besides, my half of the dialogue would just be grunts and groans anyway.

Speaking of grunts and groans; please keep your volume to a reasonable level. Nobody wants to hear you replicate delivery room audio over there in stall number three. You might want to look into a stool softener.

Never ask me for a high five when I exit the stall, left me wash up and dry first then we can talk about that high-five.

If you see three empty urinals please use the ones at either end. Never use the middle one leaving left and right open. The next guy having to take a leak doesn’t want to go next to you and he’s wondering if you were forced to use the middle urinal because the other two were taken, or if you’re just a weird bastard.

Rule number 4 also applies for stalls, never use the middle. It’s only acceptable to use the middle stall if both the left and right are occupied or were heavily abused by the people before you.

While at the urinal eyes forward at all times, no exceptions.

Never use the following phrases to anyone at the urinal: “Shake it don’t break it”, “How’s it hanging?”, “You shake more than twice you’re playing with it”, or “Is that water cold today?” Your alarming interest in my junk makes for an uncomfortable bathroom experience.

Note for the bathroom attendant at the nightclub: I don’t want a Tic-Tac, condom cologne, gum, or any other dollar store trinket you may be peddling and I can dry my own hands, but thanks for your concern. If you like bathrooms so much go be a plumber’s apprentice.

Home bathroom rules:

If you happen to use the toilet paper down to the bottom please take a few seconds to replace the role for the next person. That 2”x 3” two-ply paper square stuck to the otherwise empty roll isn’t going to help me or even Sheryl Crow close the deal.

If you just took the dump of a lifetime and you feel the toilet is clogged you might want to use that stick thingy next to the toilet, it’s called a plunger.

I tend to leave the seat up, that’s just the way I roll. So what? Why do I need to hear about it time after time after time? Just put it down and save the lecture. I’ve flushed down more than a few panty liners and you never heard jack from me.

Yes, that odor of a decomposed woodland creature came from you. Its okay to spray air freshener as liberally as possible, in fact it’s required.

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