Sunday, January 29, 2006

Willie Nelson's new detour for the tour bus?

Customs agents found a tunnel about the length of eight football fields connecting Mexico and the United States. Mexican authorities seized two tons of weed in a warehouse near Tijuana. Experts said the passageway “Bore all the hallmarks of an operation by a major drug cartel”. No, you really think so?? We all thought it was a natural phenomenon, like Crystal Cave.

That's some great deductive reasoning there El Capitan!!

Let’s face it, our borders are as wide open as any group of NFL receivers in a scrimmage with Temple. You’ll witness more protection in a porn film than you will at either the Mexican or Canadian borders. It seems like anyone can get into this country and once here they become almost impossible to track. The student visa system is laughable. If 35 year-old Ilik Aman from Saudi Arabia wants to learn how to fly or study explosives we should make sure it never happens here again. By the way, if you’ve got hair growing out of your ears you are too old to be a student no matter where you’re from… period!

We should all feel really safe knowing an illegal construction project with electricity, a ventilation system, sump pumps, cement flooring, and wood roofing took shape without anyone in law enforcement knowing about it. The tunnel clearance is six feet high and the width is about five feet. It wasn’t like these guys knocked this out on a Saturday afternoon over a case of Yuengling's Lager. This project probably took months or years and if Penndot was involved it could have been a decade or more.

You would think maybe the Maytag repair border guards may have heard or seen something?? At least once? I don't know like the screech of a backhoe gauging masssive chunks of earth? Or perhaps the steady caravan of fully loaded dump trucks cruising past the Customs building?

"Hey Orville, You think dem trucks got Hemis?"

If I so much as take my circular saw and a 2x4 from the shed, the Drew Carey looking township inspector is so far up my tunnel he can tickle my lungs with his clipboard while chirping “You got a permit for that?”

Our national borders are much like Border's books stores. You are free to come in, have some coffee, roam around from section to section unwatched, and study about any subject that interests you. But, judging by the time I saw two security guards pummel that pimply faced 16 year old Goth kid who tried to jack a Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone book, I think the security at Border’s may be tighter.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

You Have No Friends in Pennsylvania

My cousin from Pittsburgh called to crow about his team and to tell me how much the Eagles and Philadelphia as a city blow chunks . He said, “Me and my boys are going to pond beers as we drive ott to Detroit to watch the Steelers kick ass”. I said "Hey, first of all the word is pronounced POUND not POND second of all the word is pronounced OUT, not OTT and third of all I don’t give a rat’s ass what you and your jagoff friends are up to."

You see our collective dilemmas as Eagles fans and co-habitants of Pennsylvania are spelled out in our grim football history. The Steelers won 4 Super Bowls, been to 14 AFC Championship games. We’ve been to 5 NFC Championship games and lost 2 Super Bowls… Ouch.

I’m not afraid to admit it, I’m real jealous.

The Steelers are currently owned by the Rooney family and have been for the last 65 years !! We used to have an owner that really wanted to win in Leonard Tose, but between the booze and the gambling he could never quite get us over the hump. He came damned close to flying the ‘Birds out west back in ’85. Next came “the guy in France” who only wanted to own the team for a few years to get maximum return on his investment. You never got the feeling he cared about wins or losses all that much. Now the current regime is lead by a self-confessed fantasy football geek with a rich mommy who was nice enough to buy him a team. I think he wants to win but only if it’s fiscally responsible.

The 6-10 season we just suffered through is a direct result of being fiscally responsible. Sure, we had a ton of injuries, but so did a lot of other teams. The only difference, most teams had suitable back-up players to step up to the challenge. The Eagles roster has as much depth as a Jessica Simpson monologue on the benefits of solar energy.

Amazingly, the Steelers have only had two coaches over the last 37 years, Chuck Knoll and Bill Cowher. Cowher is a lifelong Steelers fan who grew-up in suburban Pittsburgh. The Rich Kotite and Ray Rhodes era last only a few years but I know it felt more like 37.

To add insult to sports hernia, the Steelers are lead by Ben Roethlisberger, a second year QB. How many years has Donovan been around?

I can’t deal with these all these Steelers fans rearing their obnoxious heads to brag about their team. Eagles fans should never be out obnoxious-ed by anyone, especially people from our own state. But the facts are the facts, Steelers fans know what it’s like to see their coach and owner hoist the Lombardi Trophy. We Eagle fans know what it’s like to here “Wait until next year” Well guess what? Next year always seems to come up short.

Bottom line here, I can’t stand to see the Steelers win another title. You’ve had your fill of Super Bowls; you need another one like Dick Cheney needs another cardiac epsiode. So, Steelers fans on Super Bowl Sunday do me a favor, drink your Iron City Beer, eat your Primanti sandwich, take a swim out in the Monongahela and dry yourself with the terrible towel.

I’m still rooting for the ‘Birds.

Go Seahawks!!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Can We Dance, Jog, and Skate for another Fifteen Minutes?

What’s with all these celebrity reality shows?

Celebrity has a shelf life, when it’s fresh its real good, but when its past it’s expiration date, boy does it stink. Celebrity is not granted with a lifetime guarantee, when it’s over, it over Johnny. The fact that you are skating, ballroom dancing, or trying to get your fat ass over a wall, doesn’t make you any more interesting to us. In fact, we start to pity you and it diminishes the reputation that made you famous in the first place.

I want to remember Kelly LeBrock as the knockout in “Weird Science” not some 175lb. middle-aged hausfrau bitching about how she chunked up. I want to remember a slim Young MC for his hit “Bust a Move”, not as fat old MC who can barely move.

I don’t want to see Todd Bridges checking the ice for cracks or crack either. I don't want to see or remember Bruce Vilanch, period. He looks like the love child of Cass Elliot and Kurt Cobain conceived during a mushroom bender.

I want to remember Kristy Swanson as the hottie in “The Chase” with Charlie Sheen, not as a beefed-up ice queen. The poor dude she is partnered is going to need a spinal alignment if he launches her over his head a few more times. I want to remember Bruce Jenner for breaking Decathlon records in ’76, not for breaking his hip at age 56 after a fall attempting to complete his triple Lutz.

Note to Nancy Kerrigan, unless Tonya Harding ventures out of the trailer park to pipe wrench the other knee it’s over for you too, toothy.

To the former stars: Please stop the insanity, you had your day in the sun. In some cases it was a total fluke but by some miracle you made it anyway. You were a star for a few days, a few months, or even a few years, but it’s over now. Please fade away gracefully and let us remember you in your glory days before we start wondering how you ever got famous in the first place.

Just a Radio No-No

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow
That’s what the critics keep saying
Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit
About what they're saying

There would come a day when CBS Radio will say
They are better off without me
When the end comes I know
They’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"
Life goes on without me

Cuz I ain't got ratings
Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody listens to me

I'm so sad and lonely
Sad and lonely, sad and lonely
Won't some kind listeners come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain't so bad

Sad and lonesome all the time
Even on the dial, on the, on the dial
I ain't got no listeners
Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow
That’s what the critics keep saying
Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit
About what they're saying

There would come a day when CBS Radio will all say

They are better off without me
When the end comes I know
They’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"
Life goes on without me.

Friday, January 06, 2006

This Guy is a Real Scream

A stunned Philadelphia sports media is subjected to information overload and shear comic brilliance after realizing Andy Reid’s happy demeanor from those LA Weight Loss ads is now a permanent part of his personality.

Comments heard from the reporters exiting the media room included the following:

“I don’t like this new Andy he has too much to say, I’ll never meet my deadline with all these great quotes.”

When he said “I ain’t taking the blame for this season, those guys really just stink” I couldn’t believe it!!”

Andy killed when he said “Ed McMahon would have a higher QB rating than this other kid”, I almost wet myself.

When he tried on Joe Banner’s suit coat and started singing “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” like the late great Chris Farley in ‘Tommy Boy’ that was really awesome!!

“I laughed, I cried, he took us on an emotional roller coaster ride we will never forget”

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Did we forget 9 catches for 122 yards on one wheel in Super Bowl XXXIX?
Did we forget the 4th and 26 grab to save the season?

My New Year's Resolution - Get these fine people back together again. It can happen and when it does, it will be MMM-MMM good.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year !!

Your Pal,