Thursday, January 19, 2006

Can We Dance, Jog, and Skate for another Fifteen Minutes?

What’s with all these celebrity reality shows?

Celebrity has a shelf life, when it’s fresh its real good, but when its past it’s expiration date, boy does it stink. Celebrity is not granted with a lifetime guarantee, when it’s over, it over Johnny. The fact that you are skating, ballroom dancing, or trying to get your fat ass over a wall, doesn’t make you any more interesting to us. In fact, we start to pity you and it diminishes the reputation that made you famous in the first place.

I want to remember Kelly LeBrock as the knockout in “Weird Science” not some 175lb. middle-aged hausfrau bitching about how she chunked up. I want to remember a slim Young MC for his hit “Bust a Move”, not as fat old MC who can barely move.

I don’t want to see Todd Bridges checking the ice for cracks or crack either. I don't want to see or remember Bruce Vilanch, period. He looks like the love child of Cass Elliot and Kurt Cobain conceived during a mushroom bender.

I want to remember Kristy Swanson as the hottie in “The Chase” with Charlie Sheen, not as a beefed-up ice queen. The poor dude she is partnered is going to need a spinal alignment if he launches her over his head a few more times. I want to remember Bruce Jenner for breaking Decathlon records in ’76, not for breaking his hip at age 56 after a fall attempting to complete his triple Lutz.

Note to Nancy Kerrigan, unless Tonya Harding ventures out of the trailer park to pipe wrench the other knee it’s over for you too, toothy.

To the former stars: Please stop the insanity, you had your day in the sun. In some cases it was a total fluke but by some miracle you made it anyway. You were a star for a few days, a few months, or even a few years, but it’s over now. Please fade away gracefully and let us remember you in your glory days before we start wondering how you ever got famous in the first place.

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