Friday, May 23, 2008

My Condolences on Your Graduation

I won’t congratulate you now that you’ve graduated from college but I will offer my condolences. You are about to enter a long slow agonizing death known as the working world. Sure you’ve heard all those pep talks from career guidance counselors at school telling you how bright your future is. They tell you to find something you love to do and it won’t seem like work. That’s great except no one is willing to pay you to play video games.

In your career you will encounter everything just the opposite of what you experienced in college.

For example during school, friends were easily made, you would meet in a common class, bitch about the professor, alternate between who would cut class and who would take notes. Then on the weekends and sometimes during the week you would party together. Come Monday the whole game would start again. Contrast this with the working world where you are the new guy and nobody easily accepts or associates with the new guy. And never try to join in the fun when it comes to bitching about the boss. Any new guy who bitches about the boss; who everyone hates, will be further shunned. You were the guy who downloaded the most MP3s and the best porn in your dorm and were praised heavily for it by those around you. Trust me, you don’t want to be that same guy when you are parked in that cubicle over in the industrial park, it doesn’t carry the same status as it did in college, especially with the lady co-workers.

Speaking of the ladies, remember how easy it was to hook-up in college? Forget it now. The corporate world is so politically correct you may be accused for sexual harassment if you ask out that hottie in marketing more than once. If she says no the first time, move on. Or just approach the fat chick in accounts receivable, she won't run to Human Resources in tears and believe me the sex will be much better.

In college it’s not only socially acceptable to be the biggest partier, but a coveted honor many people try to achieve. In the working world, the biggest partier is usually has to publicly apologize for things he or she doesn’t remember saying or doing to their very embarrassed sober co-workers. This mea culpa is followed by a not too well disguised trip to a company sponsored re-hab. During college it is an accepted practice to show up late to class should you decide to show-up at all. The professor doesn’t really care if you make it or not, it’s just one less pain-in-the ass he has to deal with during the lecture. At work it’s never acceptable to show-up late or miss days. In fact you are considered a clock-watcher should you work less than ten hours a day.

What I’ve mentioned in the previous paragraphs presupposes you are lucky enough to find a job, and that’s not a given. Besides, there is no sense in hurrying to find a job, because the job you’ll eventually get will be there whenever you want it. McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Costco are always hiring. Go off and travel the country and party some more. Go to an island, or take a train through Europe. Whatever GPA you earned doesn’t really matter now. The price of oil is rising faster than your GPA and the US dollar is weaker than your GPA. I know the payments on your student loans are due soon, but they can wait. If you can’t pay the bare monthly minimum just ask the government to help you out. Look at what they did for the airlines and sub-prime loan suckers. They can help you out with that hundred grand you owe, you just need to ask nicely. You can’t get blood from a stone right?

So let me offer my condolences on your graduation once again, and offer one final piece of advice…..go back to school for your Masters and give yourself a stay of execution.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Over at the Walgreens

I walked into the Walgreens to buy a small tube of moisturizer for my sandpaper-like parched dry face. I also bought an anniversary card for my wife, and a Vitamin Water. The following conversation occurred with the cashier (a guy, early twenties crew cut, many tattoos, a couple on his neck as I placed the tube of moisturizer on the counter to start paying for my items….

CASHIER: (Laughing as he sees me place the small tube on the counter). “I think I know what you are doing with this !”

ME: “What’s that?”

CASHIER: (Still Laughing) “Travel size easy to conceal…. “Are you going on a trip? Or just rubbin’ a quick one out in the car?”

ME: (Embarrassed looking left to right) “It’s for my face, I have very dry skin”

CASHIER: “I just use hand soap myself”

ME: (Pushing the anniversary card and the Vitamin Water), “Look at this card, do you see what it is?”


ME: “It’s an anniversary card…I’m married ten years this Saturday”

CASHIER: “You have been married ten years…to the same woman?”

ME: “Yes”

CASHIER: “Same woman for ten years?”

ME: “Yeah asshole same woman! , I’m not a fuckin’ Mormon”

CASHIER: “You getting’ any strange on the side?”

ME: “Just ring me out already dickhead!”

CASHIER “Ten years, same pussy, now I know you are using this for beat-off cream!!”

ME: “That nobody’s business but mine….and my right hand”

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Let’s Hope Jimmy Fallon won’t be Failin’

The worst kept secret finally saw the official light of day , or in this case light of night, late night. NBC held a press conference to announce Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O’Brien when Conan takes over ‘The Tonight Show’ from Jay Leno next year. Will it work out? Who knows? Saturday Night Live alumnus have had three shots at late night. Chevy Chase, a horrible failure, Dennis Miller, a late-night network TV failure, but rallied back with a respectable HBO show, and Conan O’Brien, a late-night success

A relative unknown SNL writer with little to no on camera experience O’Brien’s first few months were shaky at best. NBC considered pulling the plug, but wisely didn’t. Conan found his goofy grove and began to crank out the kind of nerdy-quirky late night fare that made Letterman a star with stoner college kids across America in the 80’s. I think Jimmy Fallon will fit that role nicely, since he seems to still be that quirky college kid that other quirky college kids will be able to relate to. Unlike Conan, he has a performance background, which means he should hit the ground running with sketches and impressions.

Jimmy Fallon shouldn't sweat the inteviewing part either. The most over criticized part of a talk show is the hosts interviewing skills. The critics constantly praise Letterman and pan Leno for their abilities to handle guests. Most Hollywood types are windbags who love to talk about themselves constantly. Just throw out a sentence and let them go, the host need not be the star of the interview, just let the guest ramble on with a fabricated story about how their precocious five-year sneaked away from the nanny, the housekeeper, the gardener, and the poolboy, then jumped into the driver side of the blue Lamborghini and took it for a quick run down Mulholland Drive. Thankfully no one was hurt. After the host fakes a hearty belly laugh, he pulls it together to ask the guest to set-up the clip from his latest inane project.

When it comes to interviewing, less is best. Why do you think Letterman and Leno always want to have Robin Williams on. They ask him how he’s been and he goes all retard for the next twenty minutes, no follow-up questions needed. They just have to restrain him long enough to break for commercials.

Fallon needs to make sure the monologue is tight. Most late night shows have ten to twenty writers each, they should be able to nail the monologue every night, but they don't. Leno used to have a top-notch monologue when he first started, but now it’s always the lowest common denominator stuff. You can see the punch lines from a mile away. He’s dumbed it down for the average American, and it works in terms of ratings. He also goes too long with the monologue. He will have two to three really funny, really clever lines a night, and the rest is just filler. If he cut down the monologue by say 30% the whole thing would seem much sharper.

Letterman’s monologue isn’t any better, but he is smart enough to keep it short. I think Conan’s is even shorter than Lettermans. Jimmy Kimmel has the right idea, a few jokes interspersed with clips from TV shows that he comments on. Leno has stolen this format from Kimmel in the last year or so.

It will be interesting to see how this all shakes out two years from now. Leno has lead Letterman in the late night ratings for over a decade. Even when his writers were still on strike and Letterman’s were back to work, he beat Letterman.

There will be a bidding war going on for Leno services once he parts company with NBC since he generates a billion dollars in ad revenue a year. The most likely bet would be ABC, where Leno will own on his show and have input on what goes on after him, much in the same way Letterman does now. I see Leno doing five years on ABC with Kimmel pushed back to follow him at 12:30.

Is anyone going to miss anything about Nightline, besides that MILF Cynthia McFadden? Once Leno finally retires Kimmel will take over at 11:30. On CBS , the future isn’t so clear to me. Who knows how long Letterman will go? I guess it depends on his health. I see him going at least five more. Craig Ferguson is making inroads at 12:30, he’s ever beaten Conan a few times. But, I’m not sure he is the air apparent to Letterman.. To me, Steven Colbert is a perfect fit when Letterman goes.

Stayed tuned.

Monday, May 12, 2008

There Will Be Cheney

In the movie “There Will Be Blood”, Daniel Day-Lewis plays a ruthless prospector willing to do anything or hurt anyone to find oil.. It’s loosely based on the life and times of Dick Cheney….Just kidding, it’s not loosely based at all. Every time I pull into a gas station I think about that ruthless prospector willing to hurt anyone for oil, and I also think about Daniel Day-Lewis; he was great in “Gangs of New York”

By the summer, gas will be $4 per gallon for regular unleaded, and in some places (LA and San Francisco) it’s already there. You can cancel that cross-country drive to visit the grandparents. Don't worry they’ll understand; you can see them in five years when we are all driving hybrids and the diminished oil demand forces Exxon and Mobile to drop prices. Of course, your grandparents will probably be dead by then, and then you can just fly to the funeral, if you can afford the airline tickets, with rising jet fuel costs and all. Thankfully hybrid airplanes aren’t on the radar, and let’s hope they never will be. Flying is scary enough as it is.

I need to take out a second mortgage loan to fill my Lincoln Navigator. Okay I don’t have a Lincoln Navigator, I have a Kia Sportage, so I have a small-business loan and my credit is not what you’d call outstanding. The only thing outstanding about my credit is the collector; he’s out standing by my front door looking to collect cash I don’t have.

I now bring a cup to the gas station to capture those precious droplets of petroleum piss residue that I would normally fling off the foreskin of the pump. Each drop is worth at least a quarter. I funnel those drops right back into the tank. If my tank is full, I sell the excess in a yard sale for thousands of times it's value, just like those duplicitous terrorists who run OPEC.

There is so much talk about “going green”. I think much of it is just a load of shit. In reality, some of it is shit; cow manure to be precise. It’s being used as an alternative energy source. Try filling up on that the next time it’s your turn to drive the carpool ballbusters to work:

“Holy shit, which one of you jerk-offs busted ass??”
“No, guys let me tell you I just filled up on a green alternative to oil ….get this, it’s manure, ya know cow shit.”
“No cow shit”
“You are fuckin’ with us right??”
Nobody would be dumb enough to put shit in their tank, not even you!”
“You have to be fuckin’ with us, that’s a good one you almost had us you son-of-a-bitch, you really did”
“Yeah, yeah I am just messin' wtih you guys, Bob what the fuck did you eat for breakfast a broccoli burrito? Don’t be stinkin’ up my car like that you vile bastard!!”

Let’s face it nobody has the stones to be the trailblazer when it comes to alternative energy. Even that turbine powered wind bag Al Gore. It turns out Mr. Greengenes is sparking as many BTU’s at his place in Tennessee as the West Wing of the White House.

We’ll all keep bitching about the rising gas prices and not do a thing about it. There will be more Hummers, Navigators, Tahoes, and Escalades sold this year. No one is peddling, walking, jogging, or taking the bus to work for that matter.

It won’t be until your monthly gas payment rises above your monthly car payment that you will be forced to take drastic action. But since most of us have car payments that look like mortgage payments, it will take a year or two for that to happen.

And when it does watch out!! There will be so many hitchhikers on the roads of America’s it will resemble the New York Thruway in August of 1969 in the days leading up to Woodstock.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Hillary Clinton Won't Leave Us Alone!!

BARACK OBAMA: Mr. President, with all due respect it’s time for you to tell your wife to drop out already.

BILL CLINTON: Believe me Barack I tried to talk to her but I can’t even find her. I have no clue where she is.

OBAMA: I think she’s here in West Virginia. I heard her phone go off, the ringtone is “Coal Miner’s Daughter” from Loretta Lynn.

CLINTON: She’ll do anything for votes. She’s a desperate woman. She might even have sex with a relative to get votes in West Virginia.

OBAMA: What can I do get to her to stay away from me?

CLINTON: Try getting caught receiving oral from an intern that should do the trick.

OBAMA: Seriously Mr. President for the sake of the Democratic party you have to get her off my back.

CLINTON: Just be thankful she’s only on your back. Believe me, having her on your front ain’t no picnic either.

OBAMA: There is no way she can win the nomination. She needs to do the math and realize she’s wasting everyone’s time.

CLINTON: Look Barack, the only math I’m doing during these days are 2 hotties and 1 me while Hillary is out on the road campaigning. As soon as old piano legs drops out of the race, she’ll be back home checking how much I’ve done from her honey-do list. The longer she runs against you, the more time I have to avoid cleaning out the garage.

OBAMA: I have a real chance of being the first black President of America, and your wife is making it hard on me.

CLINTON: Correction, you mean second black President, the first was me. And if my wife is making anything hard on you, you must be really, really, really, seriously horny.

OBAMA: When do think she’ll drop out?

CLINTON: She is a very resilient woman, she doesn’t take no for answer. Except when I want sex, then NO is the only answer.

OBAMA: How can I make this happen sooner than later?

CLINTON: Have you decided on a running mate?

OBAMA: We have a short list, but we are not prepared to make a decision yet.

CLINTON: Obama/Clinton sounds like a winning ticket come November!

OBAMA: Sir, I have to be totally honest here, I can't stand your wife and would never ask her to be my running mate.

CLINTON: I can’t stand her either, but who’s talking about her? I MEANT ME AND YOU KID. What a ticket we’d be!! Man I can’t wait to get back to the Whitehouse. We are going to have a blast Barack!!

OBAMA: Mr. President I have to go now.