My Condolences on Your Graduation

I won’t congratulate you now that you’ve graduated from college but I will offer my condolences. You are about to enter a long slow agonizing death known as the working world. Sure you’ve heard all those pep talks from career guidance counselors at school telling you how bright your future is. They tell you to find something you love to do and it won’t seem like work. That’s great except no one is willing to pay you to play video games.

In your career you will encounter everything just the opposite of what you experienced in college.

For example during school, friends were easily made, you would meet in a common class, bitch about the professor, alternate between who would cut class and who would take notes. Then on the weekends and sometimes during the week you would party together. Come Monday the whole game would start again. Contrast this with the working world where you are the new guy and nobody easily accepts or associates with the new guy. And never try to join in the fun when it comes to bitching about the boss. Any new guy who bitches about the boss; who everyone hates, will be further shunned. You were the guy who downloaded the most MP3s and the best porn in your dorm and were praised heavily for it by those around you. Trust me, you don’t want to be that same guy when you are parked in that cubicle over in the industrial park, it doesn’t carry the same status as it did in college, especially with the lady co-workers.

Speaking of the ladies, remember how easy it was to hook-up in college? Forget it now. The corporate world is so politically correct you may be accused for sexual harassment if you ask out that hottie in marketing more than once. If she says no the first time, move on. Or just approach the fat chick in accounts receivable, she won't run to Human Resources in tears and believe me the sex will be much better.

In college it’s not only socially acceptable to be the biggest partier, but a coveted honor many people try to achieve. In the working world, the biggest partier is usually has to publicly apologize for things he or she doesn’t remember saying or doing to their very embarrassed sober co-workers. This mea culpa is followed by a not too well disguised trip to a company sponsored re-hab. During college it is an accepted practice to show up late to class should you decide to show-up at all. The professor doesn’t really care if you make it or not, it’s just one less pain-in-the ass he has to deal with during the lecture. At work it’s never acceptable to show-up late or miss days. In fact you are considered a clock-watcher should you work less than ten hours a day.

What I’ve mentioned in the previous paragraphs presupposes you are lucky enough to find a job, and that’s not a given. Besides, there is no sense in hurrying to find a job, because the job you’ll eventually get will be there whenever you want it. McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Costco are always hiring. Go off and travel the country and party some more. Go to an island, or take a train through Europe. Whatever GPA you earned doesn’t really matter now. The price of oil is rising faster than your GPA and the US dollar is weaker than your GPA. I know the payments on your student loans are due soon, but they can wait. If you can’t pay the bare monthly minimum just ask the government to help you out. Look at what they did for the airlines and sub-prime loan suckers. They can help you out with that hundred grand you owe, you just need to ask nicely. You can’t get blood from a stone right?

So let me offer my condolences on your graduation once again, and offer one final piece of advice…..go back to school for your Masters and give yourself a stay of execution.