Monday, May 12, 2008

There Will Be Cheney

In the movie “There Will Be Blood”, Daniel Day-Lewis plays a ruthless prospector willing to do anything or hurt anyone to find oil.. It’s loosely based on the life and times of Dick Cheney….Just kidding, it’s not loosely based at all. Every time I pull into a gas station I think about that ruthless prospector willing to hurt anyone for oil, and I also think about Daniel Day-Lewis; he was great in “Gangs of New York”

By the summer, gas will be $4 per gallon for regular unleaded, and in some places (LA and San Francisco) it’s already there. You can cancel that cross-country drive to visit the grandparents. Don't worry they’ll understand; you can see them in five years when we are all driving hybrids and the diminished oil demand forces Exxon and Mobile to drop prices. Of course, your grandparents will probably be dead by then, and then you can just fly to the funeral, if you can afford the airline tickets, with rising jet fuel costs and all. Thankfully hybrid airplanes aren’t on the radar, and let’s hope they never will be. Flying is scary enough as it is.

I need to take out a second mortgage loan to fill my Lincoln Navigator. Okay I don’t have a Lincoln Navigator, I have a Kia Sportage, so I have a small-business loan and my credit is not what you’d call outstanding. The only thing outstanding about my credit is the collector; he’s out standing by my front door looking to collect cash I don’t have.

I now bring a cup to the gas station to capture those precious droplets of petroleum piss residue that I would normally fling off the foreskin of the pump. Each drop is worth at least a quarter. I funnel those drops right back into the tank. If my tank is full, I sell the excess in a yard sale for thousands of times it's value, just like those duplicitous terrorists who run OPEC.

There is so much talk about “going green”. I think much of it is just a load of shit. In reality, some of it is shit; cow manure to be precise. It’s being used as an alternative energy source. Try filling up on that the next time it’s your turn to drive the carpool ballbusters to work:

“Holy shit, which one of you jerk-offs busted ass??”
“No, guys let me tell you I just filled up on a green alternative to oil ….get this, it’s manure, ya know cow shit.”
“No cow shit”
“You are fuckin’ with us right??”
Nobody would be dumb enough to put shit in their tank, not even you!”
“You have to be fuckin’ with us, that’s a good one you almost had us you son-of-a-bitch, you really did”
“Yeah, yeah I am just messin' wtih you guys, Bob what the fuck did you eat for breakfast a broccoli burrito? Don’t be stinkin’ up my car like that you vile bastard!!”

Let’s face it nobody has the stones to be the trailblazer when it comes to alternative energy. Even that turbine powered wind bag Al Gore. It turns out Mr. Greengenes is sparking as many BTU’s at his place in Tennessee as the West Wing of the White House.

We’ll all keep bitching about the rising gas prices and not do a thing about it. There will be more Hummers, Navigators, Tahoes, and Escalades sold this year. No one is peddling, walking, jogging, or taking the bus to work for that matter.

It won’t be until your monthly gas payment rises above your monthly car payment that you will be forced to take drastic action. But since most of us have car payments that look like mortgage payments, it will take a year or two for that to happen.

And when it does watch out!! There will be so many hitchhikers on the roads of America’s it will resemble the New York Thruway in August of 1969 in the days leading up to Woodstock.

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