Friday, May 18, 2007

Annoying People in the Health Club

The loud grunting/shouting guy- You're a human growth hormone induced muscle-head and you’re trying to dead-lift Antarctica. All the shouting in the world isn’t going to make those weights any easier to lift. . If you strain any harder, the next thing you lift may be your shrunken nuts off the gym floor!

The overweight profuse sweater- You expel as much internal liquid as the Exxon Valdez then refuse to wipe down the treadmill for the next person. If you need the assistance of a cleaning lady after your workout you may want to do one of the following: a) not workout as hard or b) not workout at all.

The flatulent old lady- I appreciate you efforts in working out and all, especially at your advanced age. But, the end point for your leg squats is in close proximity to where my head rests for the bench press and I don’t have an air-freshener headband or a gas-mask handy.

The guy with the shorty shorts - Those tight red Sassoon satin gym shorts may have been all the rage in 1978 at the roller-skating party while The Bee-Gees blared on the speakers above, but your balls have moved south by three decades where the shorts are longer and provide more coverage. It's time for some new gear ASAP!! Nobody came to the gym in the hopes of getting a gander at your graying hairy beanbag… but it happened anyway.

The locker room guy who stays naked a little too long- I don’t mind having a conversation about the stock market; I just don’t want to see what stocks really excite you. Put on some clothes right after your shower Dow Jones!!

The hot chick – You’re wearing skin tight workout clothes and you have a killer body. You know you’re hot, every guy in the gym knows you’re hot. So, when we get caught checking you out, is it necessary for you to yell “Take a picture, it lasts longer you Perv!!” every single time?

The mirror guy - It’s great that you’re happy with the way you look. But do really need to flex after every single rep? You might be able to finish your workout in less than three hours if the gym had no mirrors.

The Elliptical marathon woman- I signed-up for the elliptical an hour ago and you’re still on it with no conceivable ending in sight. Take off the I-Pod, close the Lisa Scottoline paperback, quickly move off the equipment before they charge you a rental fee!!

The Tai Chi guy- You take up valuable floor space perfecting your hand gyrations. I’m not sure this can even be classified as a workout? It looks more like interpretive dance to me. Whatever it is, you sure as hell don’t need to do it in a gym, find a dance floor somewhere.


Dwacon said...

We should outlaw the people who keep a machine tied up for more than 30 minutes because they are more important than those standing by waiting their turn.

Will T said...

I couldn't agree more dwacon!