Tuesday, June 05, 2007

My First Day in Prison – By Paris Hilton

I left the MTV Movie Awards, which I didn’t mind because that unfunny fugly bitch; Sarah Silverman was making fun of me. At first, they drove me to the Men’s Central Jail in downtown LA and I thought “I could live with this”. Being locked up with a bunch of sex starved men…that’s hot!!. They told me I was at the men’s jail to surrender to the sheriff?? They have so many different sayings for giving head in prison it’s really wild.

They then drove me to the all-women’s Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood…that’s not hot. Then told me I was about to be booked, I said I don’t really read books, I like magazines, the words aren’t as hard. So, I asked if they had the July issue of Cosmopolitan. I was fingerprinted, photographed, and medically screened. I don’t know why they it call being medically screened? They didn’t use a screen, but they used just about everything else. I told them I didn’t need a cavity search because I just saw my dentist and he said I have no cavities. But they managed to find two cavities the dentist didn’t find. Those guards have really cold hands!!

I put on that nasty orange jumpsuit. It is waaay too big for me!! All these prison bitches are fat as hell; luckily I packed peach lipstick, so my face will still look good even though my clothes don’t. I told the guards I’m 5’8” and 115 lbs. and I demanded a fitting with the top prison designer.

Instead they held me down and showed me inmate Vera’s Wang.

I will be serving a 23 day sentence. I hate sentences as much as I hate books. I hope this sentence ends with a period. I really don’t want to have to have it while I’m in jail. My mom told me prison lesbians are like sharks, when they smell blood they attack

They told me I would be in “administrative segregation” for 23 out of 24 hours a day. I was okay with that, because I don’t mind being locked up with a black secretary, maybe she can teach what it’s like to work in an office. I always wanted to know how to work a fax machine. Then told me administrative segregation means “solitary confinement”. Then they told me solitary confinement means I will be in my cell 23 out or 24 hours a day, by myself.

Then I started to cry, because being here is like really being in a prison.

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