Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ramblings about Summer Movies I Didn’t See

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest- We know Johnny Depp looks like Keith Richards but as a Pirate. We got the joke the first time.

Little Man- Hah, and you thought Verne Troyer was just sitting by the phone waiting for Austin Powers IV to happen.

You, Me and Dupree- How about just ‘Kate Hudson and Me’. Dupree can go play out on the freeway.

Little Miss Sunshine- Finally, a Ryan Seacrest biopic, I’ve been waiting.

Clerks II- Good Movie- 0

A Scanner Darkly- Prequel to next summer’s “A Fax Machine Lightly” part two of Paramount’s ‘Office Depot’ trilogy.

Click- Most reviewers wish they had the remote.

Miami Vice- If you are going to steal from the 80’s NBC Friday night lineup for the big screen, how ‘bout a little “Hello Larry” over here please!

The Lake House- Sounds like a fast-paced, laugh out loud, over the top comedy much like the outrageously funny “That Wooden Shed” or that knee-slapper “Old Maple Tree”

Nacho Libre- Should have been titled “Nacho Cheese” after the promo visual of Jack Black in tights.

Superman Returns- And boy is he pissed about the new Under Armour Kryptonite work-out gear that’s all the rage!

The Devil Wears Prada- Right before he goes to Georgia looking for a soul to steal.

Strangers With Candy- That’s no stranger kids, his name’s Michael and he’s a 45 year old Peter Pan wannabe with plastic nostrils, so run.

Monster House- The place where the Stranger with Candy spanks Bubbles his chimp.

Cars- Really just cartoon cars.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Title accurately describes the following: my speedy performances in bed and my wife’s reaction, and my Japanese sailing experience.

An Inconvenient Truth- Supposed to be much better than last year's “Handy Bullshit," but not as much fun.

Lady in Water- Please tell me she’s swimming naked!

Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man: No Lenny, you’re not my man, but you are my urologist and a damned good one at that.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend- That you stole, is now your bitchy ex-wife with half your cash.

The Break-Up- See My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

Who Killed the Electronic Car? - Great, a freakin’ pop-quiz! I give up. Who? The Electric Train?

Wordplay- I call it foreplay, and the word I use is “PLEASE!!”

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