Thursday, July 27, 2006

Next Year’s Tour De France Champion: Barry Bonds

I’m confused. Floyd Landis tested positive for that illegal banned substance … testosterone? He’s a man, aren’t we supposed to have testosterone in our systems? Testing positive for estrogen, now that's problematic. I would have had been the first one to yell “You cheatin’ bitch, now take off the yellow spandex shirt and let’s see those titties you've been hiding so well”.

The International Cycling Union on Wednesday said that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after Stage 17 of the race last Thursday. It doesn’t necessarily mean he cheated; he might just have a bigger testosterone producing hairy beanbag than most guys. And if that's the case, I'd take that over some silly-ass bike trophy anyday!

The following bit of information isn’t going to help Landis’ claim of being clean… he was actually eight minutes back of the leader going into Stage 17. After the stage, he was within one minute of the leader. How the hell did this happen? Did the rest of the guys just stop riding altogether on Stage 17? “Guys, I think in the name of good sportsmanship let’s let Landis catch up. He looked so sad after Stage 16 like he was going to cry.”

I played many sports and sucked at each one fairly equally. I know what it’s like to lose, and to lose, and to lose again. I’ve been eight minutes behind in a race before. The sad part is that it was a forty-yard dash. If I came out the next day and came close to winning a race I would expect suspicions would be raised.

Could this be an anti-American backlash by the French? This was the 8th straight year an American won the Tour. The Armstrong accusations of last year and now this? I thought the only banned substances in France were soap, toothpaste, and deodorant?

Granted Landis is not Lance. Armstrong won the damned thing with one nut, so right from the start he had 1/2 the testosterone of Landis, and that was before Floyd allegedly cheated.

Do the math if you don't believe me!

It was nice of Floyd’s mommy to come out and defend him. Well, she didn’t come out, that was Lance Bass who came out, I meant see just defended him. She’s not a lesbian, I don’t think. His mother says it's not true... my mother used to tell me I was smart and handsome. Take that for what it's worth.

His mother seems like a nice dignified older woman. She is a folksy rural Mennonite who lives with her husband in a farmhouse in Pennsylvania Dutch country. But I do question her knowledge of the whole performance enhancing drug problem when she said: “My little Floyd would never even think of trying Asteroids”

Landis is suspended, pending results of the backup "B" sample of his drug test. If that test comes back positive he can kiss the title good-bye.

Gotta go now, with football season just around the corner its time for me start shopping my “clean urine” over on eBay.

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