Thursday, June 28, 2007

It Safer To Butter Your Own Popcorn at Home

Here are my thumbnail sketches of 2007 summer movies I either haven’t seen or won’t see when released. I’ll wait for DVD for some, as for the others I wouldn’t watch if a gun was held to my head or Rosie threatened to smother me with her massive alabaster bare ass...

Evan Almighty- One of the most expensive flops ever made, they aren’t getting any of my money to help to pull it out of debt

Knocked Up- An ugly fat guy with no money gets a hottie pregnant….I love science fiction movies

1408- I wouldn’t watch this movie for it's name alone. How about working in an actual word or two into the title?

License to Wed- Robin Williams runs around like a spastic douche-bag for ninety minutes, but this time as a minister. So, he is a holy spastic douche-bag

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- Jessica Alba and her pair are the fantastic two

Ocean’s Thirteen- No, not again! I hope the next movie is called; Ocean’s Tidal Wave: Cooney, Pitt, and Damon Lost at Sea

Pirates of the Carribean:At World’s End- Maybe Johnny Depp and his crew can pillage the Ocean’s Thirteen gang and we're all better off in the long run

Shrek the Third- Is this the only way Mike Myers can get work these days?

Nancy Drew- This movie stars Julia Robert’s sixteen year old nice. Call me when she’s eighteen for the sequel Nancy Drew Gone Wild

Mr. Brooks- Stars Kevin Costner, it’s just like Field of Dreams except he kills everybody

You Kill Me- In addition to killing me, you stole $10 from me at the box office and took two hours I’ll never get back

Good Luck Chuck- Stars Dane Cook and Jessica Alba. I hope this story actually has an ending unlike any of Dane Cook’s jokes

Rush Hour 3- Quick ironic story here; I got stuck in traffic rushing to the theaters for this one

Ratatouille- I hope this sequel is better than the first one; Rataoneie

Live Free or Die Hard- The “die hard” refers to the last three functioning hair follicles on Bruce Willis’ head and his struggle to keep them alive

Hairspray- John Travolta in drag in a fat suit. I ask you why?

The Simpson’s Movie- No better way to kill a great TV show than to turn it into a movie

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- Quick!! All you fourteen-year old geeks put down the Vaseline, stop wanking it for one night and rush to your nearest theaters

2 comments:

Special Sam said...

You're saying no to Nancy Drew? But that bitch can solve, brutha!

Anonymous said...

Tell us how you really feel.