Thursday, June 28, 2007

It Safer To Butter Your Own Popcorn at Home

Here are my thumbnail sketches of 2007 summer movies I either haven’t seen or won’t see when released. I’ll wait for DVD for some, as for the others I wouldn’t watch if a gun was held to my head or Rosie threatened to smother me with her massive alabaster bare ass...

Evan Almighty- One of the most expensive flops ever made, they aren’t getting any of my money to help to pull it out of debt

Knocked Up- An ugly fat guy with no money gets a hottie pregnant….I love science fiction movies

1408- I wouldn’t watch this movie for it's name alone. How about working in an actual word or two into the title?

License to Wed- Robin Williams runs around like a spastic douche-bag for ninety minutes, but this time as a minister. So, he is a holy spastic douche-bag

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- Jessica Alba and her pair are the fantastic two

Ocean’s Thirteen- No, not again! I hope the next movie is called; Ocean’s Tidal Wave: Cooney, Pitt, and Damon Lost at Sea

Pirates of the Carribean:At World’s End- Maybe Johnny Depp and his crew can pillage the Ocean’s Thirteen gang and we're all better off in the long run

Shrek the Third- Is this the only way Mike Myers can get work these days?

Nancy Drew- This movie stars Julia Robert’s sixteen year old nice. Call me when she’s eighteen for the sequel Nancy Drew Gone Wild

Mr. Brooks- Stars Kevin Costner, it’s just like Field of Dreams except he kills everybody

You Kill Me- In addition to killing me, you stole $10 from me at the box office and took two hours I’ll never get back

Good Luck Chuck- Stars Dane Cook and Jessica Alba. I hope this story actually has an ending unlike any of Dane Cook’s jokes

Rush Hour 3- Quick ironic story here; I got stuck in traffic rushing to the theaters for this one

Ratatouille- I hope this sequel is better than the first one; Rataoneie

Live Free or Die Hard- The “die hard” refers to the last three functioning hair follicles on Bruce Willis’ head and his struggle to keep them alive

Hairspray- John Travolta in drag in a fat suit. I ask you why?

The Simpson’s Movie- No better way to kill a great TV show than to turn it into a movie

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- Quick!! All you fourteen-year old geeks put down the Vaseline, stop wanking it for one night and rush to your nearest theaters


Anonymous said...

You're saying no to Nancy Drew? But that bitch can solve, brutha!

Anonymous said...

Tell us how you really feel.