Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Dreaded Company Christmas Party

If you attend the company Christmas party this season try to accomplish the following: Try to stay sober enough not lose your job and/or hearing about making a total ass out of yourself from 9-5 Monday- Friday for the foreseeable future, or until they mercifully outsource your job to a low cost region.

Many promising young careers at major companies have been prematurely halted courtesy of Jagermeister. Why do you think there are so many bloggers? Sure, it seemed harmless at the time to ask your VP’s wife if she was just “thonging it” tonight or going commando, but when you went under the hood for a look-see it was clear to everyone the line had been crossed, everyone but you that is.

Eat, drink and be merry, but in moderation. If you do overdo it, you may become this year’s office party casualty. You will become the guy co-workers are unable to walk past without snickering or whispering to each other. No, you’re not paranoid, they are still laughing about the 2003 Christmas party here in July of ‘06.

With the lethal mix of a festive mood, free unlimited booze, great food, and female co-workers looking hotter than ever, it’s difficult to be on your best behavior. It’s a real challenge not to get all liquored up.

But you really have to make that effort..

Please keep calm when the three hottest single women from the office all shoot your inebriated-ass down for dances. Try not to reach for the low hanging Christmas fruit by drunkenly shouting “HO, HO, HO”. Just bow your head in shame and gracefully stagger back to your table refraining from the verbal altercation. And try not to body slam any of the wait staff on the way back to said table.

Avoid calling your left leg “Christmas” and right leg “New Years” then telling every woman on the dance floor to “Come see me between the holidays”. It just comes off as a tad obnoxious.

Stay away from both mistletoe and eggnog at all times. They will cause you many headaches.

And if you are decide to get all shit-faced have the common sense to take a few people from the office down with you so as to cushion the blow for yourself. Who knows? You mooning your whole department may not have been the worse thing that happened that night if the co-workers you drank with are bigger lightweights than you. As a rule of thumb, never do shots alone.

See, normally you hate Meredith; the know it all CPA. She is a total bitch to you and everyone else, but tonight you were smart enough to make nice for Christmas and ask her to pounds beers and chase shots with you. Your kindest paid off. I guess they are right when they say it’s better to give than receive….

“Sure, we all saw your hairy hemorrhoid laden-ass but that was nothing. But when Meredith from Accounts Payable danced on the bar and pulled her double-D’s out , that was freaking unbelievable!!” “They were awesome!” “I love working here, I want to be full-time!!!”

You were drunk and stupid, but she was drunker and more stupid. Nobody remembers you now after Meredith pulled out her emersons. It’s like the governor called and granted your very own stay of execution.

I’ve seen it all at the office Christmas party, like the year when my ex-boss was doing his Al Pacino ‘Scarface’ impression. He was holding court in the middle of a circle of co-workers both men and women, pants at ankles barking in his best Cuban accent (which sounded Russian) “Say hello to my little friend”. Luckily for me, I was far enough away so as not to witness the train wreck. From what some of the women in the office told me later he should have said “Say hello to my very, very little friend”

Sure, sleeping with the bosses wife, insulting your director, and passing out underneath the table are all things that can be real fun, but there is a time and place for everything. Just don’t be stupid enough to do any of these things at your company’s holiday party and you will be just fine.

1 comment:

Anthony said...

That's why I never go. My Cal Ripken-like consecutive year streak is unblemished at 16.

Hell, I don't even like looking at the "Holiday Portraits" they post on our company Intranet page.