Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Do You Have Enough for All of Us?

Breastfeeding is an essential and beautiful nurturing bond uniquely shared between only mother and child… and should be kept that way at all times. In the last year I’ve witnessed as many bare breasts as the curtain guy working the Victoria Secret runway during Fashion Week. Generally, I’m used to putting in either a whole lot of begging or a whole lot of cash before I get to cast my beady crossed-eyes on an ample set of hogans. When they are just thrown out in front of me on the subway by a complete stranger it’s just not the same. I like to work for my supper!

I still remember being seventeen and getting into my first tittie bar. I was scared to death but it was great. I vividly recall picking up a dollar bill from the bar and all it’s markings: it had an “E” stamped on it: The Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond Virginia, it was a Series 1986 and The Secretary of the Treasury was James A. Baker just in case you didn’t know, and really why should you .

My hand trembled tremendously as the dancer made her way toward me. She put her hands on both sides of her tremendous set; suddenly I was eye to eye with nipples the size of yarmulkes as she clamped her mountains around my shaking sweaty dollar filled hand. The last thing I remember her saying to me through the Marlboro red in a sexy sultry voice was: “Sweetheart, you retarded or just epileptic?” It was just like great phone sex except it was live, my pants weren’t down around my ankles, and it only cost me a dollar.

I’m a big proponent of nutrition for all especially for babies and vitamin D and calcium are two of the most essential nutrients a body should absorb on a daily basis. The issue I have is the time, place, and method used to deliver these nutrients.

Today, you actually have to make an effort NOT to see breasts. Whether it’s in the park, on the beach, in traffic, or at Home Depot, I’ve seen breastfeeding occur in all of those locations. Over at Wegmans, the cans and the milk aren’t necessarily found exclusively in the cans and milk isles anymore. You don’t have to be in the produce isle to take a gander at the melons. Know what I’m sayin’??

Are babies these days just too hungry that they can’t wait until mommy finds a rest room? Are today’s women just less inhibited about when and where to whip out there set? Whatever the answer is, do us a favor and be more discrete with your milk delivery. You are teasing the rest of us weak minded guys out there and the lucky feeding infant doesn’t understand when I say “Hey chief, I can’t see the half rack, you want to move your head to the left a little”. To keep the kid from screaming, please just give him a pacifier until you are out of our view.

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