Thursday, February 12, 2009

2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Tissue

Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli has stolen the world headlines by being named the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Cover Girl. Bar Refaeli? I could have sworn I had a Gin and Tonic there the last time I was in Tel Aviv. How is it possible that Bar and Babs are part of the same race?

For the record I’ve never purchased or read the Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue, however I do spank it furiously to the photos.

Typically, you have three groups who do buy the magazine:

First and foremost is the collector, he is some creepy 40-something who is living with his mother. He claims he’s still at home to take care of mom, she prays every night with every fiber of her being that “he will just go the hell away for the love of God”. He has every single swimsuit issue and commemorates his personal favorites by sealing the covers with his own DNA. The 1980 Christie Brinkley issue resembles the aftermath of a wax candle destroyed by a blow torch.

The second group is the high school kid too young to go to the tittie bars and shut out from online porn by their mother’s “strict filtering” abilities and her frequent password changes. In addition to his mad masturbation skills this kid is also a sport’s junky so he also justifies the purchase because he wants to read about the upcoming baseball season and NBA all-star weekend.

The third group is the bored housewives who religiously watch daytime TV talk shows and want to understand what the fuss is about; they pick up the issue along with the newest Janet Evanovich for next month’s book club. Then proceed to splash the magazine open and badger their husbands with ridiculous questions like; “Would you cheat on me with her?” You think which one is she talking about, is this multiple choice? The housewife then stands naked in the mirror and says to her husband "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. The husband then replies, "Your eyesight's damned near perfect"

So, you see the SI swimsuit issue really serves no purpose to the normal well adjusted red blooded American male. No sex and nudity (which are mutual inclusive so I didn’t need to write both words but I really like to write both), and not enough time given to sports because all those classy pictures are eating up valuable sports reporting space.

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