Saturday, April 22, 2006

Judge, I Was At Least 310 Feet Away!

Charlie Sheen has been ordered by a Los Angeles court to keep at least 300 feet away from Denise Richards, his estranged wife.

This shouldn’t be too hard for Sheen to stay away because the last time I checked Denise isn’t a ‘ho. This restraining order now elevates Sheen to obsessed fan status. Maybe he can hang out with David Letterman’s latest stalker and find out how to work around the order. She seems to spend more time in Letterman’s houses than he does.

Richards said in papers filed to the court that Sheen had been abusive and threatened to kill her. According to the New York Post, he had screamed at her: “I hope you die, bitch!” after she allegedly discovered he had been looking at internet pornography sites.

I know it had to be embarrassing for Charlie to get caught while trying to rub one out over internet porn. My mother-in-law still reminds me about it weekly. A courtesy knock would have been nice mom-mom. Ironically enough for Charlie, it was an all male site that featured two and a half men. If I recall from ‘Major League’ Charlie is a pitcher not a catcher.

The Sheen family is a strange bunch. First of all, half are named Sheen and half are named Estevez. That fact alone screams bi-polar disorder. West Wing President and papa whack-a-doodle Martin Sheen is a social activist whose been arrested too many times to count for various causes none of which I could name right now if you paid me. He really seems to care…about what I have no idea?

Emelio Estevez; who I haven’t seen since ‘The Breakfast Club’ used to date Paula Abdul and Demi Moore. He dated Paula way before the Brinks truck rolled up with the “American Idol” payday. He dated Demi before the milk trucked rolled up with the D cups.

You’ve got some great timing E squared !

In the eighties Charlie Sheen starred in “Platoon “ and “Wall Street” in consecutive years. He was as big a star as Tom Cruise during that period. But soon after, his love of booze, drugs, and porn stars made him into a studio’s worst nightmare. During movies he would disappear for days at a time and when he decided to show up he would fight with directors, producers, and other actors.

His behavior became as predictable as a Snoop-Dog drug test result.

Fast forward a couple decades; a clean and sober Charlie Sheen is cast in the top ten CBS hit “Two and a Half Men”, with another eighties castoff; Jon Cryer. At the same time he finds Denise Richards, settles down has a couple kids. Two daughters; ha-ha…you can’t tell me there is no such thing as karma.

Things are really going swell for ole Chuck and then in March 2005 Denise filed for divorce. The seldom used legalese “Irreconcilable Difference” showed itself on court papers.

Too bad.

I wonder if Charlie is still has Heidi Fleiss on speed dial? Heidi should be able to hook him up with a Denise Richards look-a-like without a restraining order who doesn’t want half his cash in a divorce, just a few hundred for services rendered.

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