Thursday, February 16, 2006

Shootin' Straight From the Lip

HUME: Mr. Vice President, how’s Mr. Whittington?
CHENEY: Just peachy! His grill is full of pellets; when he sneezes the nurses drop for cover, he just had a lead induced heart attack, and he is 78 years old.

HUME: How did you feel when you heard about that?
CHENEY: I was hoping he came down with Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember who shot him.

HUME: Would you describe him as a close friend? Friendly acquaintance?
CHENEY: An intruder, that’s what I told the police anyway.

HUME: Tell me what happened.
CHENEY: Brit you know how I roll…lots of booze, lots of broads, and lots of bullets. Next thing I know Old Man River is down for the count. Some dudes just can’t hang.

HUME: Describe the setting.
CHENEY: The ranch is in South Texas, I got ‘ZZ-Top Eliminator’ cranked up, I got a half bottle of Jack in me, I’m dancing and shooting to ‘She Got Me Under Pressure’ pellets are flying everywhere. I never even saw the Geritol Kid.

HUME: Did you shoot any quail at all.
CHENEY: Was he out there?? I would have gotten him too if I knew.

HUME: And Mr. Whittington was conscious, unconscious, what?
CHENEY: He was conscious.

HUME: What did you say?
CHENEY: Harry how would you and the missus like a nice weekend in the Lincoln bedroom and we forget this ever happened? What do you say old pal?

HUME: What did he say?
CHENEY: He wished me another heart attack, very weakly flipped me the bird, and then went unconscious.

HUME: What did you think when you saw the injuries?
CHENEY: I had two very distinct thoughts…How far is the Mexican border? And It’s sounds like my Eliminator CD is scratched.

HUME: Thank you Mr. Vice President
CHENEY: That’s Brit. Do me a favor, next time I shoot somebody don’t ask such tough questions.

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