Friday, August 19, 2005

The Clicker

The clicker is like a part our body except that we always seem to lose it. And when it’s lost, it’s like a national emergency to us isn’t it? We rip up every cushion on the couch, we move the furniture, the kids, the dog, the newspaper the dog is shitting on. We race up and down stairs to find the clicker, check kitchen drawers, the bathrooms, the hamper, the washer, the dryer , the refrigerator, I even check the side of the milk carton to see if there is a picture of my clicker.

I move slower for a fire alarm than I do to find the lost clicker. We become possesed, its like if we don’t find the clicker in thirty seconds the house will explode. I fell asleep one time with the clicker in my hand, when I woke up it was gone, I was into my 30 seconds to destruction clicker search, and my wife is just sitting there laughing. She pulls it from behind her back and says is this what you are looking for. She holds the clicker in one hand and a list of chores in the other, “You will get this, when you finish these.”

Thoughts go through my head, “If you hurt so much as one button on that clicker, so help me God” Should I call the police “911 we have a hostage situation at the 512 Main st” “Please Mrs. Teullive remain calm, put the list and the clicker down, and move away slowly” “Ma’am its not too late you haven’t gone too far, with any luck you will only be banished from the clicker for the entire football season including playoffs the super bowl and pro-bowl all college bowl games, and until the end of the NHL and the NBA playoffs.” “With good behavior and community service you should be back watching lifetime television for women by July”

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