Things to Keep Away from Cars

Broken Window Ball – Baseball, football, soccer ball, I even saw a bowling ball once. My favorite sport is drinking; you don’t see me with a vodka bottle stuck in my window.

Rest In Peace Memorials – I’m sorry that your friend or relative died, but to memorialize him on the back window of a ’78 Olds Cutlass with missing hubcaps, body rust, and a hanging muffler is not really a tribute now is it?

Much Too Heavy Objects on Roof – A leather sectional should never be perched atop the roof of a Kia Sorrento….ever

Cell Phone Talkers – That conversation about last night’s Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t need to happen in the express lane as you drive 50mph. It can wait until you get home, or better yet just send an email.

My Child is an Honor Student – That’s great! Maybe young Einstein can teach you how to signal when changing lanes.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Bin Laden- News flash here..you are not going to hunt him down at the Wendy’s on Exit 11 of the New Jersey Turnpike. Get your fat ass over to Afghanistan and start scouring some caves.

Putting on makeup – Unless your name is Estee Lauder or Maybelline herself, you are going to look like a Circus clown and disfigure the rest of us when the pile-up happens

Caution: Show Dogs Inside – I didn’t notice your car before reading this, now I’m speeding up to see what kind of dogs you have and the chances of an accident have increased substantially. Besides, if those dogs were that special you’d have them in seatbelts.