Friday, July 06, 2007

I’ll have the Chicken with the Poison Mushroom Seasoning Please (part II)

I was able to go the self-medication route for about two days but I wasn’t getting any better. I don’t know if this was just a weird coincidence or not; but my wife asked me if I mailed the life insurance quarterly payment. I didn’t have the strength to check if the bill was actually due or not. I never got sick eating her chicken and mushrooms before we had life insurance? It was at this point I felt as though I should seek professional medical attention and stay out the family medical cabinet.

Since my wife could no longer be trusted I wanted my brother Chuck to drive me to the hospital. So, I called over there: “Food poisoning??? You’re a goddamned pussy aren’t you?” “Mom, could you please just put Chuck on the phone? I really need to get to an emergency room; I think I’m going to die! “He’s at the store getting me smokes, hemorrhoid cream, and a stool softener. I don’t feel so hot either ya know” mom added. “Just tell him to get here FAST!” I pleaded. With the disturbing visual of mom applying hemorrhoid cream, or even worse Chuck applying it for her, I dropped the phone and charged to the bathroom to puke yet again.

The doctor looked like he was about eighteen years old; “Wow, you have a very high fever, you must really feel like crap!” he said. “That’s why I’m here” I mumbled. I was much too weak to produce a better sarcastic follow-up.

Doogie Houser pronounced; “I think you need antihistamine”. Don’t you mean antibiotics? I countered. “That too if it will make you feel better”. Okay, now I know why they call it “practicing medicine” Did this kid get his medical license inside a box of Cocoa Puffs? I am about to die and I’m probably stuck with the doctor who graduated dead last in his class from the worst medical school in the country. That is, if he even went to medical school!!

He prescribed to me something called Celecobix and said it should help me immediately. Well, it turns out Celecobix is more commonly known as Celebrex which is an anti-inflammatory NOT an antibiotic. Why didn't I know this before I took it? It’s used to treat the following ailments: arthritis pain, menstrual cramps, and colon polyps. I don’t have arthritis, the Midol didn’t help with the cramps, and the last time I did a thorough self-exam I didn’t notice any colon polyps.

To add insult to injury, I’m deathly allergic to Celebrex!! Shortly after the first dose I began having violent convulsions in the driveway of my house. Apparently, my seizures were mistaken for old school break dancing as some of the neighborhood teenagers gathered around my driveway blaring a boom box and chanting: “Go Willy, it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday”.

It wasn’t until I lay motionless for over a minute that someone got the bright idea to hide the weed and dial 911. They rushed me back to the hospital where I got my stomach pumped and was hooked up to an IV to replenish my fluids.

I was greeted by still clueless Doogie Houser who asked “You look really familiar, have we ever met before?” “Yes, WE MET IN HELL ” I grunted back. I stayed in the hospital for another three days before being given a clean bill of health, and then I was released.

So the bottom line is this…If you have the misfortune of ever getting food poisoning make sure you don’t try to cure it yourself and don’t go to a incompetent doctor. Of course, you probably won’t know the doctor is horrible until he actually treats you. So, just stay away from foods that might give you food poisoning. Of course, you probably won’t know which foods cause food poisoning until you actually get food poisoning from that food.

So, you’re really screwed no matter what!

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