“Hi I’m Kurtis, with a K not a C” he proudly announced as he hoisted a fat sweaty hand toward me. I was puzzled because he seemed way too friendly to be a business traveler and seemed too old to be going to Disney, at least by himself.He was as wide as he was tall, had a cheesy mustache and was wearing brown leather suspenders that look liked two belts turned sideways. He had the white trash chain extending from his front pocket to his wallet in the back pocket. His hair was jet black and slicked straight back. He looked like a character in a 1950’s movie, except real fat. I don’t think Americans were fat in the ‘50’s, at least not the ones in the movies.
Poor guy, I thought.
I tried to keep it short; “Hello” I responded and shook his greasy palm. “Sorry about the hand… it's Vaseline” he apologized. “I was in the bathroom during takeoff”. he said. It was at this point I started playing “Which is Worse” in my mind. Did he.. A- Just take a dump and wipe with the hand I just shook? B-Just take a leak with the hand I just shook? Or the worst possible and most likely scenario C-He just rubbed one out at 30,000 feet above sea level?? “I get real nervous on takeoffs and landings” he offered. “I try to do anything possible to relax”. Oh shit, it has to be C, it has to be C I thought to myself.
“My mouth and lips get very dry, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea until the plane is safely in the air, so dry as a bone up top, squirting like a Hershey fountain on the bottom” he quoted from the “To Much Information” book. “So you’ll usually find me in the bathroom before takeoffs and landings, the Vaseline is for the dry lips”. Why would I be looking I thought to myself. “I can’t speak with a dry mouth and lips” he said. The face was surely moist at this point because he couldn’t shut-up and since I would be sitting next to him for the next two hours I had also hoped the Hershey squirts subsided.
He went on tell me how he lived with his mother and he was single; two details of which neither came as a shock to me. Then he proceeded to tell me that he owned thirty-two single family vacation units all within ten miles of the Disney complex, he only has a mortgage on the five most recent purchases, so he owns twenty-seven properties out right. He went on to tell me he has a 90% booking rate for all of his properties. He’s flying back to Orlando from a meeting in New York about a possible partnership in a new restaurant on the Upper West Side. He also told me how he is about to close on his first multi-tenant dwelling, It’s a twenty condo unit complete with private nine hole executive golf course three miles from the Magic Kingdom. He tells how he played hardball and they took his $11 million dollar offer!!
He then tells me it’s not all business all the time and pulls out a photo of his girlfriend. She is on his lap in a bikini and she is a few levels beyond smoking hot. He brags how she was a Miss Hawaiian Tropic 2004 and now she’s an actress. He met her at the Hoopty Doo Review. She was one of the cowgirls the night he and his mom had front row seats. She pointed her six-shooter at him as he took a break from his baked beans and glanced up.
He said it was love at first sight, but now he’s grown tired of her. All she wants to do is party and have sex. The last straw came when she woke his mom from a sound sleep because she’s a real screamer in bed. He said it will be hard for him for tell her it’s over but she will just have to get over him…
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