Monday, April 16, 2007

It’s Not You, it’s my Grandma She’s a Royal Pain in the Ass

Prince William broke up with his girlfriend Kate Middleton because the Queen Mum thought she was too common for her grandson. This supposedly happened after Kate Middleton’s mom; Carole made the faux pas of asking the Queen the whereabouts of the shitter. She may have used lavatory, toilet, or even water closet, I couldn’t make the party so I don’t know for sure. But to warrant her daughter getting dumped I hope to hell she said shitter as the queen let out an “oh my” and fainted ass over tea kettle.

Believe me, the irony of asking the queen “Where’s the throne?” is not lost on me. I get it and I like it a lot.

“This country is riven by the class system. It is more alive than it has ever been," the Daily Mirror's royal correspondent James Whitaker said after the separation was announced over the weekend. I’ve never heard or seen the word “riven” before and I don’t have Roget’s Clitoris at my fingertips but it has to mean “divided”. I wish these proper English would learn proper English. He later added “and our bloody dental plans are all absolutely dreadful, rich or poor!!” through his multi-directional, multi-colored chickets.

Carole Middleton should have realized the queen had no idea where the toilet is, she probably hasn’t wiped her own turd-cutter in a good sixty years. They have court jesters to do that for her. The Earl of Dingleberry is her personal favorite.

And if she did use a toilet you could be damned sure it’s not a toilet any one of our arses has ever touched. “Young man, oh young man, you left the seat up and the odors are ghastly!! Have him sent to the gallows this instant...I command you!!”

The clash of the classes apparently took place last December at William’s graduation at Sandhurst Military Academy; which is the equivalent of West Point here in the U.S. "Nobody could believe it when Carole Middleton chewed gum throughout," Whitaker said. Big she deal she chewed gum, it wasn't like she whipped out a tit and started gnawing on it.

Keith Richards snorted his dad and he’s a bloody knight! It’s all a bunch of bollocks I tell you!

A brief detour here because I have a short attention span and an even shorter penis. Why did Princes William and Harry attend Sandhurst? What a waste of resources. This is like sending Stevie Wonder to NASCAR school, or giving Steven Hawking a year’s worth of karate lessons. The next battle William will be involved with will be the battle of the bands as a judge and even then he will suck:. “I cunt decide, they were all jolly good!”

I know they sent the other brother; Harry off to Iraq you say? That kid won’t leave the comfortable confines of some cushy diplomatic air conditioned office unless it’s for a photo-op that can be picked-up by The Sun or Daily Mirror. They will place him face down holding an AK-47 in the sand, snap a few quick photos, then rush him back in inside for tea and crumpets before a bead of sweet reaches his brow. If by some miracle he did see combat and got wounded or killed, no worries he’s the spare, remember!

How would you like to go through life with that self-confidence building nickname, “THE SPARE”?? The commoner’s parents just call the rest of their unwanted kids mistakes. The spare is just mean.

Back to the air apparent and his deal… so he dumps this Lindsay Lohan look-alike and blames it on Grammy. He sounds like he is ready to be King… do nothing, and blame somebody else when things go wrong.

Sounds like Willy wants to anoint his royal scepter in some strange new waters.

Bookmakers quickly joined the great debate about the Prince’s next girlfriend. Ladbrokes gambling house promptly installed the upper-class socialite Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe as 6-1 favorite to marry William. Any chick with four names has to be an upper-crust snob. By the way, Britney Spears is an infinity to one favorite, even before she shaved her melon just in case you wish to partake in wagering.

"A number of socialites will be dusting off their ball gowns and polishing their Pradas now that William is back on the market," Ladbrokes spokesman Nick Weinberg said.

Yup, it’s good to be king… almost.


Anonymous said...

Keith Richards isn't a knight, you moron.

And if it's irony you're looking for, the word would be "throne," not "thrown."

Every illiterate is a pundit nowadays.

Will Teullive said...

Yeah, I know Keith isn't a knight, but dammit he should be !!

I'm no moron, but I'll admit to being a horses ass.

I screwed up the "thrown/throne" line, I'd like to blame spell check but I really can't.