Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Alec Baldwin Called My Phone by Mistake

BALDWIN: I want you to know something, okay? And I want to leave a message for you right now because again it’s 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I’ve made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time....

ME: I watch CSI: NY on Wednesday from 10-11. I don’t answer the phone while great shows are on. You might want to try calling 9PM on Thursdays when your dopey show 30 Rock is on. I don’t know how you’ve “made an ass of yourself trying to get a phone” since the phone is in your pocket right? Did you remove your pants to answer it or something worse?

BALDWIN: When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I make that phone call. At 11 o'clock in the morning in New York and if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o'clock at night. And you don't even have the goddamn phone turned on

ME: By the looks of you, I know you are not jumping off the treadmill to make that 11 AM call.

BALDWIN: I want you to know something, okay? I’m tired of playing this game with you. I’m leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time.. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being.

ME: Not really, I could insult you way more and don’t even get me started on your whacked out brothers. You’re the one without the brains, you've been screaming at someone you don’t know for the last five minutes

BALDWIN: I don’t give a damn that you have the mind of a 12 year old or 11 year old child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do

ME: Please don’t tell Michael Jackson I have the mind of a 12 year old. Okay, so you want to tell mother jokes?? Your mom is like a toilet…she’s white, she’s fat, and she smells like shit!! SNAP

BALDWIN: As far as I’m concerned you’ve insulted me for the last time with this phone

ME: Your right! The phone is so old school. I’d much rather insult you via IM, email, or with a homemade YouTube production

BALDWIN: And when I come out there next week, I'm going to fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.

ME: What’s the issue again, global warming? I’m stupid, remember.

BALDWIN: I am going to get on a plane and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you. Do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it.

ME: “I’m going to straighten your ass out when I see you” “I’m going to really make sure you get it” Quick question here.. Is your next role in a prison movie by any chance? Just a guess.

BALDWIN: Then I'm going to get on a plane and I'm going to turn around and come home. So you'd better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?

ME: You know what a inconvenience it is to fly these days, so I think you should just stay put. Besides, Friday the 20th doesn’t really work for me. OK, OK I’m a pig I get it, are we done with this call yet?

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