Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Shot through the Heart and You’re to Blame

Valentine’s Day always conjures up images of past relationships both good and bad. I recall the times I broke it off and the more painful times those selfish whoring bitches broke it off… not that I’m bitter or anything.

When I ended a relationship it was always done in the most humane of ways. Like when you find out your fourteen year old beloved Cocker Spaniel “Sparky” has arthritis throughout his body and the Vet tells you there is nothing more he can do and he must be put down. It’s very painful to you at the time but in the end you realize he suffered long enough and it’s the right thing to do. After two weeks of grieving you realize you need to move on. You may have Sparky cremated and you may keep the urn close to you as a reminder of how much you loved him. You may go out and get another dog, possibly a Cocker Spaniel. Maybe it’s just too painful to get the same breed so you buy a Golden Lab instead.

In every relationship that I ended I tried to be a compassionate as the Vet was the day he sent Sparky off to chase that great big milk bone in the sky. In some cases the girl was very understanding; she realized it wasn’t working for her either. She said she would have pulled the trigger on it if I hadn’t done it first and then I didn't feel as bad.

Once in a while you’ll have the teary break-up. She tells you that her heart is broken and she cries, screams, then kicks you square in the hairy beanbag and says all guys are the same. This time you do feel bad both mentally and physically.

The times that I got dumped; which are too numerous to count, always stung the worst. They were never simple I think “we’ve grown apart” conversations. They sort of went more like this:

HER: I have something to tell you
ME: Okay what is it, you can tell me anything

HER: I’m pregnant (crying)
ME: Don’t cry, it’s okay we are in love. A baby is a beautiful thing to bring into the world

HER: I have something else to tell you (sniffling)
ME: The due date?

HER: I’m sleeping with Johnny and I’m not sure whose baby this is
ME: Johnny, your boss, that Johnny??

HER: I only slept with him once about a year ago and his wife once told me he had a vasectomy. So, no, not that Johnny another Johnny, the one I’ve been writing to in prison
ME: You little fucking whore!! How did you get pregnant if he’s in prison??

HER: The first conjugal visit

Many of the women I knew before I got married all could be classified as free public transportation because it didn’t matter if you had money because everyone got a ride.

I would brag to my friends “Hey, I finally my hand down Suzy’s pants last night” “What took you so long?” “She blew me two weeks ago when we were on the ski trip” one friend would respond. “She whacked me off the night your drunk-ass passed out after the 4th of July fireworks” another would add. “I saw her at the last gang bang I was at” a third friend would chime in. “I couldn’t talk to her because she was sitting on my face and her mouth was full too”

The lesson for all of you out there male or female is to make sure you find someone who you can love. Make sure that person loves you as much as you love them. Make sure they love only you; not the whole starting pitching rotation of the Baltimore Orioles including the batting practice pitcher.

Once you find true love all your Valentine’s Days will be happy ones.

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