Thursday, February 15, 2007

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Tissue

I can think of only one thing I like more than a near naked hottie on the cover of a magazine. That would be a fully naked hottie on the cover of a magazine. Beyonce Knowles made history for being the only non-athlete or non-model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for 2007. For six bucks you get to see girls in bikinis photographed in locations all over the world. The girls are smoking hot, the photographs are well done and that’s about it, really.

An important fact to always consider when discussing the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is that the same girl posing seductively with the fire hose between her legs on page sixty-three wouldn’t so much as piss you out if you were engulfed in flames by her feet. By virtue of her appearance in the magazine she has now reached untouchable status. Not that the odds were exactly in your favor before the layout either. Unless you are multi-millionaire you ain’t ever going to get to see her shed that leopard skin bikini.

In 2007 we have reality, we don’t need fantasy, and there is more and more hardcore reality available with each passing year. The SI issue is pure fantasy, with the emphasis on the word PURE. It was cool to look at when I was twelve and there was no internet.

But today, it’s impossible to log onto your email without a pop-up ad of some hottie or three, totally nude inviting you “click here”. As a kid it would take a few hours of checking my father’s many hiding spots before I laid eyes on that much poontang, but now it’s right in my face and it didn’t cost a dime. How the hell can SI compete with that?. Beyonce in a bikini is not going to do it. Especially since baby didn’t show any back up in that issue!

SI sells a ton of swimsuit issues each year, in fact they took in a staggering $35 million in ad revenue this year. To me the reason is simple; it’s a safe and non-threatening.

The goofy six o’clock news anchor can talk about it and not sound like a total pervert. “Did you see the lovely coconuts on page sixteen; I meant the ones in the trees from the shots in Maui” Guffaw-guffaw. Yuk-yuk, TGIF,wink-wink.

Leno and Letterman can include the SI issue in their monologues and not offend Middle America. Hey Jay and Dave, strap on a set and try doing that with the annual hottest biker chicks from “Beaver Hunt”!!

Regis and Kelly can hold up the magazine cover and talk about how nice and classy Beyonce looks in those lovely photos as Regis swigs his water to chase the ninety milligrams of Cialis he just popped.

‘The View’ gals can pass it around and discuss it’s popularity and say how they just don’t get it, then try to pry it away from Rosie’s meaty mitts.

All this undeserving publicity surrounding the magazine is a big reason for its continued success.

Typically, you have three groups who buy the magazine:

First and foremost is the collector, he is some creepy 40-something who is living with his mother. He claims he’s still at home to take care of mom, she prays every night with every fiber of her being that “he will just go the hell away for the love of God”. He has every single issue and commemorates his personal favorites by sealing the covers with his own DNA. The 1980 Christie Brinkley issue resembles the aftermath of a wax candle destroyed by a blow torch.

The second group is the high school kid too young to go to the tittie bars and shut out from online porn by their mother’s “strict filtering” abilities and her frequent password changes. In addition to his mad masturbation skills this kid is also a sport’s junky so he also justifies the purchase because he wants to read about the upcoming baseball season and NBA all-star weekend.

The third group is the bored housewives who religiously watch daytime TV talk shows and want to understand what the fuss is about; they pick up the issue along with the newest Janet Evanovich for next month’s book club. Then proceed to splash the magazine open and badger their husbands with ridiculous questions like; “Would you cheat on me with her”? You think which one is she talking about, is this multiple choice?

So, you see the SI swimsuit issue really serves no purpose to the normal well adjusted red blooded American male. No sex and nudity(which are mutual inclusive so I didn’t need to write both words but I really like to write both), and not enough time given to sports because all those classy pictures eating up valuable sports reporting space.

So, my streak of not buying the SI swimsuit continues in 2007, but if there are any blooper photos of Beyonce losing that bikini top on the internet, I hope you holla at me.

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