Thursday, May 04, 2006

Long Island Train Wreck

This week Entertainment Tonight is featuring a reunion of Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco. They are just two crazy kids formerly in love. That sentence went about four words too long.

A quick recap for anyone who still cares… Back in '92 - Amy Fisher; Long Island teenager goes to pick-up daddy’s car at a Joey Buttafuoco’s body shop. In addition to the body work, she’s given a complete inspection, tune-up, tire rotation, and lube job . Oh yeah, there was also a sexual relationship.

Joey just wanted to hit it and quit it, but Amy fell in love. One major plot point that can’t be omitted: Joey was married and 35, Amy was 16 and a kid. I hate when that happens. Where’s Megan’s Law when you need it?

Amy hatches a plan to rid Joey of the ‘ole ball in chain, that would be Mary Jo Buttaface, I mean Buttafuoco. She thinks by rubbing out Mary Jo, Joey and her will be together and live happily ever after. This theory is problematic on two fronts: a) Amy is no Annie Oakley b) Joey is smacking stupids with every skank on Long Island.

Amy Oakley shoots Mary Jo point blank in the side of the face; she’s left for dead, but thankfully survives. Mary Jo is left to deal with small children, a cheating husband, the inability to whistle, and a hybrid facial affectation that resembles both Sly Stallone and Kirk Douglas.

Life is not fair.

As you would expect these two ex-cons hate each other. We the viewers are treated to the following riveting intellectual repartee delivered in a most grating Tony and Carmela New York accent:

Amy: You stole my childhood
Joey: You shot my wife

Joey, at minute 25 of his 15 minutes is desperate to keep what ever warped sense of celebrity he believes he still has. He moved to LA years ago to try acting; he’s actually been in a few things (jail, rehab, etc). He has his SAG card and a sagging body. I would say he is a starving actor but his 52” waist and multiple chins prove me wrong.

Amy, on the other hand is real hot. She has long dark brown hair, pretty big brown eyes. Nice set of … before I go any further.. She is legal now right? Okay. Her body looks good through the anchor woman power suit they had her in. I’d say she is at least a 36C. Joey appears to be sporting double Ds so he’s got her beat there.

Amy claims she is just doing the reunion for closure, “I just want closure”. Closure is something Mary Jo should have used when she saw your ‘80’s poodle hair head knocking at her door.

Joey is just in it for the money and to get the phone number of that sweet nineteen year old E.T. production assistant named Lisa with the unbelievable ass.

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