Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Better Think Twice Before Choking That Chicken

Fresh off the heels of the two hour debacle know as ‘Drowned’ Alive’ where magician/masochist David Blaine unsuccessfully tried to break the world record time for being submersed completely under water and appeared to come real close to being ‘Drowned’ Dead, ABC brings us another masterpiece...

"Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America." Oh no. And you thought it was annoying when that pigeon shat on the windshield of your Hummer. Baby, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Those winged little pricks have Osama bin Laden like intentions for us all.

A recent White House study on pandemic flu predicts a nation overtaken by "social and economic chaos" if the bird-flu virus should mutate into an influenza that can be passed from human to human and country to country.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking… this is the same White House who is still looking for both WMD’s and bin Laden, so they are probably wrong this time too. Good point, but I’m not taking any chances, their due to nail one.

The Washington Post says the report not only "assumes" as many as 2 million dead in the United States alone, but also a 40 percent rate of "workforce absenteeism."

If fact, I just called in sick this morning and emailed excerpts of this report to my boss. He can never accuse me of not being “proactive” or “ahead of the curve” anymore. Let’s talk about that yearly bonus now, biotch!

The bird flu can even be contracted thought a simple handshake. Great, just what I need another excuse not to meet new people.

And where does this bird flu come from? Where else? China. How it is the USA gives China trillions of dollars a year in trade and in return they give us the Physics professor I could never understand, everything sold in Wal-Mart, and a pandemic or two? Thanks Beijing.

Maybe SARS and Bird Flu can have a death match along the Great Wall and wipe each other out, throw in that pissed-off cow disease for the hell of it. Then Tarantino can make a movie about it all with English subtitles.

I don’t know about you, but I’m worried and even paranoid as hell about this whole thing. Just last weekend my wife said “Honey grab the digital camera. Look at that beautiful red cardinal, that bird flew from its nest and is now perched so elegantly on our fence” I said “Bird Flu!!!” I then tackled her, hosed her off, wrapped her head to toe in Saran Wrap, and carried her down to the basement.

After unwrapping her for the visual inspection and delousing, she kicked me square in the undercarriage; I mean dead nuts, literally.

I’ve been sleeping on a couch in the basement ever since. It’s just as well since my junk is still smarting something terrible. Besides, I have a nice 20” Sony TV (made in China) in the basement, so I can watch "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America" and slip into even deeper paranoia.

Thanks ABC. Couldn’t you just show another two hours of ‘Lost’ reruns instead?


Anthony said...

Don't forget, it's May which means SWEEPS in the world of TV. So, we are subjected to lots of junk to buoy ratings.

We also have the luxury of 100 channels, which means that junk that never would have seen the light of day 15 years ago is now featured entertainment on large cable outlets - witness Chris Ferguson staring into space for 5 minutes at a time on World Series of Poker on ESPN.

Will said...

I agree with you about the amount of junk that makes it on the air today. The three major networks (ABC,NBC,CBS) rely so heavily on the reality based phenomenon that they haven't developed that many good sitcoms or dramas in the last five years or so.