Friday, May 12, 2006

Practicing Medicine

I remember as a teenager going to a new Optometrist for an eye exam. He asked me to take off my clothes. I said “Naked for an eye exam? Is this some type of third world doctorin’ I’m not familiar with?”. I said "Listen doc …THAT eye doesn’t need to be examined, he sees 20/20 and he never ever ever blinks and just really likes to be left alone in general. I’ll just keep my Underoos up high where they belong, if that’s okay chief."

Turns out he was indicted a year later for fraud. Not insurance fraud, but Leo DiCaprio ‘Catch Me If You Can’ imposter type fraud. Real good and licensed cab driver perhaps, but not a doctor. I should have known something was wrong when he ask me to read the smallest line on the periodic table of elements.

Needless to say, I’ve done my best to avoid doctors ever since.

But, I was having chest pains that seemingly got worse each week. After much spousal nagging, I reluctantly made an appointment with a Cardiologist.

Against my better judgement I met with this guy. He’s got the gut hanging over the belt, this thing is in full Dunlap mode (his gut dunlap over his belt) buttons are missing from his shirt, he’s got a belly button you could stock Nemo and friends in, and he’s scarfing down a Hostess Suzy-Q with a large-ass glass of what appeared to be chocolate milk..

He proceeded to wipe the medical chart clipboard free of crumbs with the back of his creamed-fingered hands and started firing questions at me..

Doctor: Tell me why you’re here today?
Me: I’m having chest pains and shortness of breath.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me: No.

Doctor: Not even weed?
Me: No.

Doctor: Not even once with the weed? Drink Alcohol?
Me: No. No.

Doctor: What are you some kind of freakin’ Mormon?
Me: No, I just like to stay in shape.

Doctor: If you were in that good of shape you wouldn’t be here with my fat ass, would you?
Me: Probably not.

Doctor: How many wives you taggin’?
Me: I said I’m not a Mormon.

Doctor: How long do you want to live?
Me: I don’t know, I was kind of hoping to make it to the ‘LOST’ season finale.

As we’re talking the phone rings..

Doctor: I have to go!
Me: What’s going on? Do you have an emergency open heart surgery or something?

Doctor: No, that was one of the nurses it’s time for our smoke break. You can leave if you want.
Me: Do you think there is anything seriously wrong with me?

Doctor: Shitloads, but I’m not a Psychologist am I? You just need to layoff the junk food and get more exercise. Do that and you’ll be good to go.

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