Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part I)

I was just an excited kid on the car ride home from my families first and last Disney vacation when my older brother asked dad to stop and buy fireworks for the upcoming 4th of July holiday. Fully expecting my father’s backhand to catch me first before connecting to my brother’s empty melon, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to hear my father say “That’s a great idea!”. Looking to ride coattails I chimed in with “I want fireworks too!!”. I was quickly rebuffed by Dad with “If I wanted any shit out of you I would have squeezed your head!!” At least he didn’t say no.

We traveled north on I-95 through South Carolina and saw big billboards advertising the sale of fireworks. So Dad pulled the shitwagon off the interstate and stopped at a place called “South of the Border”; a Mexican styled campground and theme park. I thought it was strange because I didn’t notice any Mexicans working there at all. Maybe they pay too well for Americans not to work there?

We followed the signs to the gift shop where they apparently sold fireworks. The guy working the counter said “Weeze plum out of most of the good stuff.” The only thing he had left were something we called sparklers. There were two reasons for this, the first being you could buy sparklers any where in the northeast, and the second no kid wanted to caught dead with a sparkler in his neighborhood on the 4th of July. The little sparkles may last a minute or two, but the verbal abuse could possibly continue until you go away to college.

My dad, brother, and I looked like three dejected kids who just lost their puppy. Mom, on the other hand was smiling and looking toward the sky while saying “Thank you, thank you.” It was just at that point when we were confronted by two good ole boy truckers who just exited the convoy and nearly avoided Smokey. The one who spoke first wore a Civil War type cap and had long mutton chop sideburns. His hairy belly protruded from the multi-stained unintentional half-shirt he was wearing. “Y’all in need of fireworks” is what I made out before being distracted by the stream of Skoal chewing tobacco that shot from his lips and landed on the pointy tip of his right cowboy boot..