Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Your Dad is Being a Real Birkhead!

I guess they can stop sending the unemployment checks to Larry Birkhead now that he is the winner of the DNA lottery. Like many suspected, Howard K. Stern is the not the biological father of Dannielynn. I don’t think Stern ever had sex with Anna Nicole, he probably never even saw her naked besides in Playboy, like the rest of us. The closest he got to peeling off her lingerie was handling her legal briefs.

Even though Stern plied her with a boatload of drugs, he got as much action from Anna as her husband oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II . Marshall was in his eighties and in a wheelchair when he married Anna back in the early 1990’s. You could be sure 'Ole Howard would have hit that, but Viagra wasn’t around back then. I guess that old timer was just born too soon.

On their honeymoon he was so excited he almost had a stroke..but he couldn’t reach and Anna wouldn’t move closer.

"I told you so!" Birkhead crowed to a group of reporter in the Bahamas after the test results were announced. "I'm going to the toy store!" I don’t think he Ferrari dealer on Wilshire Blvd. can be technically classified as a “toy store”

I’ve heard Birkhead interviewed a few times, he is about as sharp as a bowling ball. The DNA test may be the first test he’s ever actually passed. He talked happily about being "able to start a life with my daughter," The first father-daughter bonding moment will be when he opens his little angel’s first joint bank account. Next they will put that down payment on that sweeeet bachelor nursery nestled up in the Hollywood Hills. Fatherhood is a beautiful thing.

He’s this decades Kato Kaelin with blonder highlights and better closing skills.

Don’t feel too bad for Howard K. Stern just because his seed didn’t keep the lead. He was paralyzed with grief when Anna Nicole died, but somehow managed to pull himself together in time to sell the exclusive television rights to the funeral to Entertainment Tonight for a few million dollars all of which he kept. So, I guess you could say he still hasn’t blown his load.

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